Ok, I'm 14, and I have a very, very long list of... stuff that I could blabber on about in some pathetic, self sorry manner, looking like some person in a movie who just broke up with their partner, sitting on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, hot coffee cup of brownish looking shit in their hand hands, crying on the phone to their best friend. And you know what, I am going to read that list out, right now. I'm not sure why. Maybe speaking about it will help? Maybe one of you might say something that will work like some magic cure from a Disney movie that will make me look like this lucky dude --> :icon_bigg . Who knows. First off, people normally talk to a friend. The only friend who I really trust, and feel comfortable with is moving away. All my other friends (2 of 'em) are not... I can't talk to them about this, they're not very, "deep" people, if you will. The guy I like, who seemed very gay (not implying that you could assume ones sexuality like that) He always played with my hair ect. He was the person who made me less... sad. He's straight. My mum dissaproves of homosexuality completely. My dad was watching the news with me (he thinks I'm straight) It was showing the legalization of same sex marriage, and showed two men getting married. He shook his head and said "It makes me sick" Almost everyone I know either knows me as the "emo from last year" or what I am now, some emotionaly shutoff kid, who wont trust anyone, because he's scared they'll pick on the gay kid time and time a-fucking-gain. Most people hate me, or mutter "fag" when I walk past. My best friend, who I loved like family, will be gone in 9 days. All I do is sit on my computer playing garry's mod, or half life 2 or whatever. I have a Les Paul I don't deserve. I've only been playing guitar for 3-4 years. My parents get pissed cause I have My Chemical Romance or Nirvana playing in my room, just above a comfortable volume. I'm in a bad situation with weed right now, (I have not smoked it before) And one side of me wants it and the other doesnt. The other night I snuck out and stood at the edge of a cliff, not sure what I was doing there, really. I looked down at the rocks below and walked off. Too scared to help myself. I'm embarassed and mad at myself. I don't trust people. I'm lonely. No-one gives a shit about me. Thanks for bothering to read this.
First of all, you're right...those movies are terrible, plus Julia Roberts is usually in them which makes them worse :lol: Second, and most important, suicide is not the answer to your problems. Believe me, as cheesy and chicheed as it sounds, it really really does get better. When I was your age, I was unbelievably depressed about my life and hated everything about it. I would just lock myself away in my room and feel miserable for days on end, most people on EC can probably relate to how you're feeling, a lot of us have been there at one point or another! School is terrible, but there is one good thing about it... it doesn't last forever. You only have a few more years there, then you can really start your life. I only became happy when school came to an end, almost everyone has a shitty time there, but once it's over you have like 70 years to enjoy your life and be however you want to be. If we had a Euro for every person on here who has/had homophobic family members, we would probably have the GDP of a small country. Once you're ready to come out (If your family seems homophobic, you should probably wait until you're financially independent) you don't have to keep these people in your life if they're making you feel bad about yourself. My dad doesn't even know I'm gay yet but I cut him out of my life years ago, that's another problem that's very solvable. (Also if your parents are pissed off that you're playing Nirvana, they have bad taste in music ) The friends you have at 14 are not going to be your friends forever, I guarantee you. I spent so much time worrying about how many friends I had, whether my friends actually like me, etc. when I was younger. Now, at 20, I can't even remember most of their names :lol: I have a bunch of really good friends now, most of whom I didn't meet until after school. About weed, I don't know if it's legal in New Zealnad (certainly not at 14 anyway) but it's over rated. It has no effect on me. If you feel like you need to try at some point, please at least wait until you're older and can deal with the potential effects because I've seen many people try it for the first time and it didn't agree with them and it got messy. Don't be embarrassed or mad, you're not the only one to ever feel like this and it's nothing to be ashamed of. We all give a shit here on EC, that's why we're here. If you're ever feeling low or just need to get stuff off your chest, somebody here will always listen. So, please don't go ahead with it. I guarantee you, I would bet my house on it, that things will get better. It mightn't seem like it now, and it might take a while, but they will.
*hugs* I know exactly how you are feeling. Reading your story was like going back 3 years to a 15 year old me. At 14, it feels like the end of the world. Things go wrong and bad stuff happens, and the world crashes down. But looking back at it now, I see that I overcame my problems and battled through them. And that part of my life is over now. I have emerged so much stronger from it It was like hell going through it, but I am actually glad now that I went through it. I came out a fighter and stronger as a result My 'cliff' moment took place in a shed. I had a razor and I intended to end it all there and then. I had written a suicide note and I didnt intend to be alive in the next hour. Thats when I realised that I was literally counting down the seconds remaining on the existence of my life! 39 minutes, 38, 37... I could literally see my life flash before my eyes as I began counting down the minutes left of my life. I was lucky that I stopped what I was doing and left that shed with only minor injuries. Having that choice to face death is terrifying. You're only 14. When I was 14, I wasnt aware of the extent of the consequences this would have on my family (family was all I had. I didnt have any friends at that time). Life is too valuable to choose to die. You matter. You are loved. It may not feel like it sometimes, but trust me, you are loved
Thankyou ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2013 at 11:06 PM ---------- Thanks, these... they're making me think twice.
Hi- 30+ years ago I was a shy, lonely teen. It sucked. Got thru it. Got a job when I was old enough. Got to college & found it was filled with people like me. I fit in. Still have those friends. Don't do weed. please. Its often laced w/ extra stuff that can mess you up forever. Excersize helps depression. Running-Walking -swimming-biking anything that interests you. Can you talk to a school counselor? I had a friend who killed himself and I am still messed up over it. If you are really feeling suicidal talk to an adult please. National Suicide prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK You are not alone. You have an instant group of supportive friends here. I am PROUD of you for reaching out. Hugs and Love. Rose ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2013 at 06:20 AM ---------- BTW- My friend who killed himself at 20 was high on weed. We were not close but I still think back on what I could have done to help him. He was gay and scared and lonely too. I think he might be here if there had been a place like EC for him.
14 is a strange age to be in. Your body changing and all the emotions that go with it. Plus this is the trial and error part of your life, but if you date boys it narrows the field down quite a bit. Which makes dating experence harder for you. It can seem overwelming but as you get older it will come easier. So just hang in there. I have tried suicide and it is not fun to fail, in fact it was quite embarrising and painfull. If I had suceeded I would have missed out on what has become the best part of my life. I lost a partner in 1996 and thought people only get 1 chance at love and I was tired after 16 miserable long lonely years of wrong men. The next day I met Mike so had I died I would have missed out on the deepest love, and best connection I have had yet with a man. June
hey if you want to make contact with schools out I may be able to give you the number of a queer youth councillor luke Ive meet.real nice smart guy.or Marian streak labour mp from nelson who is involved with queer youth here in nel.im not sure what the rules are about giving numbers for support on ec are any one know.things do get better man 14 was by far the worst time of my life. I never thought id be happy or social but leaving school is like entering a new world.all I can say is hang in there man. ps Nirvana..nice taste man
Agonizingnose- Please check in so I/We know your ok. Old lady here is worried about you. I CARE! Hugs Rose.
I think JPC has just about covered everything I would have said, we are all here for you on here, we care about each other & we care about what happens to each other, suicide is never the answer, I went down that road once & I am glad I failed, it really does get better (*hug*)
God, fourteen. You don't have to tell anybody you're gay because it's none of their business in the first place. Don't even have to say that you support it. The lgbt movement won't slow down any if kids in your situation don't rock the boat. From what i've heard weed isn't all that great... and it can make you psychotic. You can buy a pair of headphones, i like the over-ear ones for at home listening. Friends come and go, but who you hang out with is up to you. The kid sitting alone at lunch, the geeky kid in the corner, anyone that isn't in some dumb middleschool clique. All people with unique personalities that you can get to know with but a smile and the word hello.
I just wanna say, if you're feeling lonely, you'll find someone for you eventually. And no matter how long it takes, just hang in there. I know how it feels to want to kill yourself. Hell, I even wrote a suicide note, I had gone that far. But it gets better. And despite the fact you've probably heard that from so many people, it's true. It will always get better. Always look on the bright side of life. Keep focused on all the good things in your life. You say you have a Les Paul. Most kids who start off on guitars, they get a cheap Stratocaster copy. I know I did. Les Pauls are some of the most beautiful guitars ever, and the fact that you have one, well, that's a good thing! And that's something for you to focus on, to keep your mind off of suicide! Don't ever look at yourself and see yourself as worthless, or pathetic, or any of that. Next time you get the urge to sneak out and jump off, instead, head out somewhere that has a beautiful sight. Maybe a nearby field, where you can gaze at the stars. But don't ever kill yourself. No matter how terrible you may feel now, it will always get better eventually. Talk to someone. Hell, talk to people here! We all love you, and want to help you. And if you think it'll help, go ahead and just start repeating to yourself, "It will get better", like a mantra. Whenever things start feeling down, just repeat that to yourself over and over. And if it doesn't help, come here and talk to somebody. Cause that will help. It's helped me, it's actually still helping me. And it will help you too. At 14, you've still got your whole life ahead of you. Make sure you make it count, and let it last for a long time. And, I really can't believe that your parents don't like Nirvana. They weren't the greatest ever, but they were still great! Just hang in there, man. It'll get better. It always will, no matter how far down you fall.
