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Just A Rant, I guess

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by 4ever Hearth, Apr 29, 2013.

  1. 4ever Hearth

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    Ok so for the past couple of weeks i've been trying to garner more male friends like myself so that I can finally feel like my life isn't falling into itself everyday.....Maybe I should back track. I've always been a lone wolf. I never really enjoyed other's company when I was younger unless it was on my terms. Yeah, I was a lil P****. At the sametime, I always acted that way because I was always so different from the other people around me, excluding the sexuality situation. I was always the kid that wanted to know more when everyone else preferred to stop and let it be. So I do recall being asked questions like "Why are you so weird?" or "Why don't you ever shut-up?" and they got to me, unfortunately. But on the brighter side, as I got older I became more outspoken, more daring and even added Sarcasm to my repetoire. So yeah, I kicked their a** good. :lol:

    But the older I got, the more I really felt like I was missing something but couldn't figure out what it was. During my teens I went through this "Masc vs Fem" which I see still tends to be quite popular these days :eusa_naug but I ended it by deciding I would just explore both sides and since alot of my life from about 11 to 17 was me taking heavy interest in "feminine things" and nurturing feminine qualities. So when I turned 18, I decided I would play on the otherside of the fence and I liked it. I liked it alot. I remember running around the house like a hyped-up athlete. Never hesitating to push myself even when my logic would say "Maybe we shouldn't" but afterwards it was like "Woah. This pushing our limits thing is fun!" Now the issues I didn't foresee, which I really should've, was the mentality that guys have i.e Alpha, Beta, Gamma. Now don't get me wrong, I find nothing wrong with it overall since alot of guys are given a bad rep about it when truthfully all of them aren't douches or a**holes. I guess being in a group and acting like "big kids" they tend to come off as such to some. :confused:

    Now my issue is being such a freaking Omega at my core, I don't always get it and from what I heard from some guys that I am now cool with I come off as if i think i'm better than them which isn't the case at all. I'll admit it, I am super jealous of them. Them being my older cousin and his friends. They are like brothers. Actually, they are Brothers. I don't understand how they can be like that with eachother especially since he initially didn't like most of them but I guess the poetry in that is too great for me to comprehend. They try their best to include me alot but i'm so used to being on my own that I don't accept their invitations or when I do I still feel like the odd man out. They all know about my preference for guys and were more accepting than I imagined but if I were to start talking in detail about what I enjoyed sexually, the subject would be changed in a flash. I wouldn't say i'm more comfortable with woman because thats a lie but I do know how to "walk" in their world having grown up around my mother and older sisters and their friends, some male but primarily down to earth girls.

    I guess it extends from my childhood since once I turned 5, my dad never bothered to do much with me. Too busy cheating on my mother. That was fun. And it gets better, he even took me with him more than once when he went to see this woman. I had no idea who she was but while he was with her, I was with her daughter in the back seat. So yeah, that was just awesome. As I got older, nothing changed. Honestly I don't even think the man likes me. He spent just about every hour working as much as he could. I mean the man was king of overtime. It wasn't until his second "scandal" that he had no choice but to be home since it cost him his job Unfortunately, I ended up paying for his mistake as well. I was about 14 and had no clue what was going on and he never explained. He just let me go through that and never once asked was I doing ok. So I don't care for the man at all but I think he set the tone for every man in my life, be he Friend, Lover, Co-Worker, etc. I don't think I trust Men, god that sounds so stupid to me but I think it's the truth.

    For instance, a few months back my cousin got me into a mentoring program which was quite nice and I probably could've made something out of nothing by seeing it through. The issue was our chaperone was a guy but he was cool. It was a little rough around the edges but that was only because we didn't know eachother well yet so we hadn't established what eachother's boundaries were. I remember leaving after attending a city meeting(our mentor was apart of The Mayor's Council or something like that) that I really enjoyed and felt quite comfortable with the people that were there. I also remember him telling us that the program would be specifically aimed at inner-city young men. So I started to feel uncomfortable with the program in itself but that meeting was the end for me. I remember coming home and telling my mother about it before telling her "I'm not going back." She asked me "Why?" and just told her "I'm starting to feel comfortable around him and I don't like that because it always goes wrong when I get comfortable." I was laughing when I told her but I was being honest. So oneday I just didn't go anymore and even after his people tried to contact me several times, I ignored them. When I think about it, they tried to get me back all summer and I was just an a** about it. I should've spoken to him about it but once again, I couldn't. I turned to stone and just walked away like I always do which is the reason why I have very few male friends now. It took me forever to even tell my younger cousin about it and I only told her because we were getting closer since she was going off to college.

    I have started to realize that I have issues with people overall but I have a damn-near aversion to companionship with Men. I do like guys. I enjoy them from afar and in momentary doses but when it comes to me letting them in, I become a douche and just leave them high and dry even if they let me in. I honestly don't know how to be with a Man in any sense. I am positive my dad's bull:***: played enough of a part in it if not damn-near caused it all. This sucks man. I hate this so :***: much and considering I have a strong preference for Men, this is just so redundant. But as i've come to learn, so goes the pattern of my life.

    So here it is. The thoughts that have been boiling over in my head for weeks, maybe a month now. I'm so annoyed with these thoughts but I will admit it is so nice to get it out. Anyways, this was just a rant so if you want to comment on it, I would appreciate it. But if you don't it's all good. :smilewave
     
  2. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    "I honestly don't know how to be with a Man in any sense." Substitute woman & I totally get it. My maternal parent was not nice, very homophobic & brought home too many men. Coming out is helping me conquer my other fears too. Somtimes I think it was just easier to "default" to strait so I would not have to deal w/my stuff. Many years later....Found a good LGBT therapist who also does EMDR which has really helped with all the childhood+issues.
    Underneath all the complicated stuff I am a really simple person. I just let everyone dump thier baggage on me & carried it for them. No more. You deserve to be free from your fathers baggage. It really does lighten the heart & mind.
    Hugs. Rose
     
  3. 4ever Hearth

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    Thanks and its nice to know that someone else has gone through this and managed to even out the battlefield. It's been making me feel that I stood no chance as of late. I got a little teary eyed reading the end. :lol:

    Thanks again. (*hug*)
     
    #3 4ever Hearth, Apr 29, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2013
  4. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    How are you doing today? I used to (ok sometimes still do) have those round and round thoughts. Therapy helped a lot with that.Once I get the courage to talk about something I feel better & it has less power over me. Healing all the crap is a painful-real-raw process but its worth it. Start the journey & you CAN have the life and relationships you want w/hard work. Its your choice. I wish I had had the courage to deal with my sexuality and other issues at your age.
    Take Care
    Rose
     
  5. 4ever Hearth

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    Today wasn't really my best day especially this morning. I planned on calling out from work but I couldn't get through so I had to go. Luckily, it got easier as the day went on. And while I'm on the topic, this is becoming a slight issue. I shouldn't be dealing with issues from once upon a time at my present day job but it tries to spill over into other parts of my life. I can keep it at bay but it throws my emotions and everything else out of whack when it happens. One time, I nearly burst into tears. That's something I'm afraid might happen again but this time in front of my boss and I might get fired if she realizes that I'm "emotionally unstable."

    As for talking, I should but I don't. I find it much easier to talk to an outside person. I only have my friends and they have their own issues so I don't bother with them too much. Actually, they all seem to be in a really good place and I would kick my own :***: if I pulled them from that anymore. Not too long ago I started cutting and that nearly threw them off whack with their own lives and issues. So I can't bring myself to become that "anchor." I wouldn't be able to deal so I just allow myself to suffer inside my own head. It's seems easier that way. Twisted and painful but easier for them.

    As for getting help with it, I told my mother and she insulted ME after agreeing to help, which reminds me of why I don't talk to her about stuff, so I haven't brought it up since. But I'm still sticking with the good fight. :lol:........For someone who doesn't talk, I sure said a lot. :dry:
     
  6. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    If you are cutting yourself,friend get help ASAP! Please. I've seen the long term scares on people who do that. Its NOT ok to self mutilate no matter how bad you feel. Take a long shower or walk- Anything non abusive instead. Don't let the self hate take over. You don't need your mothers permission to get help. Free clinic? GP? You need to value you! Take the first step & get help please! Hugs Rose