My depression is out of control. And it's really bad now.

First things first. Go see that counselor you refuse to see. Not about being gay or not finding love but because you're apparently depressed, and nobody fucking deserves that shit. Not even you.

Next up. Yes, there are thousands of gorgeous, well-hung, nice guys who are straight that you will never get a chance to cuddle and date and suck off. Just as there are thousands of lotteries you won't win, and thousands of movies you won't star in. There are a select few people who win lotteries or star in movies or bang supermodels. But see, this isn't what makes life worth living. The rest of us mortals - the ones with losing lottery tickets (or none at all), without an IMDB page, and with no notches on the hottie headboard - we're not just treading water hoping against hope that one of these things changes, suddenly making our lives worth living. We're busy living. We have jobs we like, and friends we enjoy being with, and partners we care about, and hobbies we enjoy pursuing.

My general comment is that we're pretty good at assessing ourselves, but we suck at assessing others. We're aware of our good and bad traits, but we tend to think the rest of the world is zooming by with all their ducks in a row, and all their shit together. No. We're ALL fumbling around trying to make sense of things. Straight guys think gay guys have it easy, because they don't have to figure out women. Hot guys wonder if the only reason anyone likes them is because they're hot. Jocks wish they were smarter, nerds wish they were hotter, and on and on and on. We're all dealing with our own stuff. And life can still be damned fun to live even as we do so.

"It gets better" isn't a panacea we toss out. It's pretty much accurate. Right now, you're in school. Your social pool is pretty well delineated by "my fellow students". And if you're in Catholic school, gay dating isn't much of an option. But in a couple years, that's over. You're now in charge of creating your own social circle. And if you want to go surround yourself with other gay guys, you can.

One more note, about guys' feet and their cocks. My first boyfriend and I could wear each other's shoes, but I had at least two inches on him in bed. In other words, that theory is bogus.

I could deconstruct your post some more, and give more explanations of where you're wrong, and how life can totally kick ass. But if you're truly depressed and cutting and suicidal, it won't really accomplish much. You may kind of see where I'm coming from, but you won't FEEL it. You won't believe it, really, no matter how true it is. And that's why I'm reiterating what I said at the outset. You're gonna need help here, and a counselor is a great first step. And you might be scared to tell your mother, but the one thing she fears more than you being depressed is probably you being depressed and you not getting any help for it. Go.

Lex

 

Do you have body image issues? You seem to have a certain degree of fixation on the size of penises, the source of which may or may not lie in the image projected by (gorgeous) men found in porn videos. The thing to remember though is that, just because it's big doesn't necessarily mean it's better. It could be fairly painful or cause tearing for the penatretee for example. Those porn stars end up with a pretty loose anus at the end of the day.

There are also no reason to view yourself as the "devil" or an "imperfection" for being gay. Rather, there's nothing wrong with being gay, and there's plenty of people who likes gay guys, otherwise how the hell would we be gaining victories after victories in many countries to gain our equal (marriage) rights?. I assume you are either religious or have some sort of religious background? Drop the thought that homosexuality is a sin, it's bollocks.

You do seem like you need professional help though, to get you back on the right track. I'd suggest looking into LGBT-friendly therapist (psychologist or psychiatrist) in your area, so that you can be more "open" about the whole story and not deal with quack therapists. However, you might need to find some way to deal with your parents on how to deal with getting a therapist. Given that your profile location states "Calgary, Alberta", I went ahead and did a quick Google search for some "Gay Clients Therapist" in Calgary and came up with this list :

Calgary Gay Issues Therapist - Gay Issues Therapist Calgary, Alberta (AB) - Gay Issues Counseling Calgary

If you need help to get back on track, then you'll need to make the first step. At least look some of these professionals up, find their locations to see if it's accessible to you, etc. Hang in there, and remember that you've done nothing worth being punished for (let alone physically punished).

 

Wow it sounds like you are experiencing a lot right now.

Much of this guilt may be from going to a Catholic school where you can't get together with any GSA groups. I would recommend reaching out to friends, family, a counselor, anyone who will hear you. Do you have a school counselor to talk to?

Getting over an unattainable crush is incredibly soul sucking. Allow yourself to feel depressed and angry and numb as those are perfectly normal to feel right now. You need someone to talk to right now and God will place someone in your life who will listen if you take the time to find them.

You are NOT the devil honey and you just vent as much as you want. (*hug*) God doesn't make mistakes and it may take you tons of crying and heartache and you may have to dig through blood sweat and tears but God has made you strong and this too shall pass. Things will get better but you need some others who will listen. God didn't put billions of people on this planet so we could all ignore each other, no man is an island and we all need help sometimes. PM or message me anytime dear.

 

I've had body images issues, they're not actually that uncommon amongst gay males because of the psychology behind it. Humans are very visual creatures. For heterosexual males, the 'burden' of an ideal partner is on the females, so guys will look at the breasts, the ass, the curves, etc. None of these things actually require the male to make any changes to his physiology. You'll never see a straight guy with breasts implants because he likes breasts (in theory at least).

For homosexual males however, we look at other males and society dictates that the perfect male is shaped like Adonis and is the perfect example of a healthy, good-looking man, partly influenced as a response to appearance of the "gay virus" (HIV) back 1980s. Because our "ideal partner" is a male, we try to reach that ideal look as well to be on the same "level" in a sense. That's one of the main reason why so many gays routinely visit the Gyms, and as a result they are always in "competition" with themselves to stay on top and remain attractive, whereas straight males don't really ever worry about these things.

It's a ridiculous and superficial mentality however. One which I'm partly guilty of as well, but not as much anymore (I'm too lazy to go to the Gym). It took me a little while, but I do find myself more attractive than I did in the past despite not having really changed any aspect of my life (although I am beginning to try and eat more healthy. keyword : beginning). It's part of the self-acceptance process.

Drop the idea that porn is representative of the typical male appearance. It's like ordering a hamburger at McDonald and expecting it to look just as great as it did in the ads. (Hint: It never will).


On a different note. You mentioned your sister being a lesbian and your parents seemingly being fine with it, and although you do say that talking to her is out of the question, I'd actually suggest you do try to contact her (provided of course that you don't hate her, which seems unlikely given your post). Having someone in your surrounding that you can relate to or even talk to, could prove useful to help you go through your depression.

You're definitively showing common signs of depressions, in that you're already invalidating any possible solutions to help yourself before you even start. You have to get rid of this mentality, you have to take a chance, make a step forward to help yourself. If you keep saying "It's not going to work" or "That's out of the question", you're not going to be making any progress, and it might actually worsen your psychological health because you're not receiving help. Nothing is going to change if you don't change.

 

If you are cutting yourself intentionally/& are severely depressed please get help today! Go to a clinic/ER any healthcare provider please.

 

Trust me, I know where you're at: I'm stuck in a Christian school, crushing on a straight guy (one of my best friends actually), self-image/self-esteem issues, suicidal thoughts, cutting myself, and sometimes I've wished I wasn't gay. And, I don't want to fall into the cliche of "life gets better". I mean it does, it will get better, for you and for me (don't really want to talk about myself right now, I'd rather try and help you get through this, but believe me, I know exactly what you're going through). Always keep in mind that, you're still only 16. You still have a full life to live. And so what if people can't accept you for being gay! Not everybody will accept you, and the ones that don't, well, they can fuck off, because no matter who you love, whoever you were born to love, to be with, no matter any of that, you are a human being. You are a perfectly normal human being. We all struggle with things such as depression, cutting, suicidal thoughts, (well, not EVERYBODY, but a lot of people do, so it's not abnormal), and millions of people struggle with being gay in a world that hates us. But that's what makes us human; being able to get through it all, and being able to become stronger because of it. And don't think for a single fucking second that you won't ever find love. Everyone, EVERY-FUCKING-ONE, will find love. Always remember that. No matter how terrible you feel sometimes, always just try to keep your head high, and always remember that you'll find love. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, hell, maybe not this year. Definitely not until you graduate high school if you go to a Catholic school, although I'm sure there's a possibility. But someday, and more than likely, sooner than you think. And despite what you may think, your straight, handsome, football-playing crush, unless he's really homophobic, if you tell him how you feel, he won't want to kill you or anything. I'm not suggesting you tell him, because there's always the possibility, but nobody, nobody normal anyway, would want you to die. And forget all about "nobody likes gay guys". I like gay guys. Hell, I LOVE gay guys. Hell, I fucking AM a gay guy! And, I love you. So do your parents. So does this board. People you've never met before, they love you too. Suicide is never the answer, no matter how much we think it is sometimes. And, I agree with Lex: go see that counselor. You don't deserve this shit, being depressed. It's horrible, and I don't think anybody would wish it on even their worst enemy. And, you don't deserve being hurt. Being cut open, even by yourself.

 

It's not your fault. (*hug*)
Everyone has times where they need support and someone to lean on. That has nothing to do with being gay. Jesus said you would tell His disciples if they had love for one another. Bringing you down isn't doing that and you don't need to listen to them. Be yourself and it doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else!

Most importantly though, please find some sort of social network or support so you can help work through these feelings~<3

 

Well seen as everyone else has covered all the go and see someone things i don't really have much advice i just want to say
Don't give up on trying to get out of it all, it's not gonna be easy. But when you finally do your gonna be able to look back and feel proud of coming though it
I know that's probably not much help right now but yeah i know how depression feels and i just wanted to say that

 

Body image issues are common among us. I hate mine! It's not female like I am. So even when I had my 20yo body with a six pack, bubble butt, and muscular arms and legs I still hated it. Mike my partner weighed yesterday and in a weeks time went from 210 to 211 1/2 and spent hours obsessing. I told him he better not loose a pound! I think he is so sexy as he is and don't find lean men all that attractive.

As far as the looking at a man and seeing shoe size or height indecating dick size, nope! I can usuailly guess it pretty close by confidence, stance and his walk. 99% of the time I'm right. Like my FWB last year referred to his 8 inches, then when I got his pants off it was really 5 1/2 inches though the most perfect body on a man I have ever seen in real life. Mike never mentioned his dick size and I had the shock when his pants came off the first time to find 10. Oh Mikes shoe size is 11 1/2. My last ex had a shoe size of 14 and had 7 inches on the nose which he always claimed 8 and the 30 some odd men who's pants have come off for me never conformed to that old wives tale. It seems if they refer it being big and they are straight, it is smaller, where as if they don't brag it tends to be bigger. This is not allways 100% but pretty much so I have found.

If one guy does not want you, the next will. I have never worried about finding a man in my life. They always seek me out! More than I know what to do with at times. If you are miserable and in the dumps and have a bad attitude they will pass you by. You have to be on your game, kind, giving, friendly, generally a good person and a leader always happy to surve. As a woman I am ugly to look at, but men always seem to go for me. Recently one who was persuing me told me plainly "June, you are the most bueatifull person I have ever met and the right man is closer than you think." I had broken it off with Mike that day and suddenly he was courting me over the next 10 days until I took Mike back. That was a hard decission to make because he is a catch! He is the most perfect looking straight man you could look at and is the one I referred to with 5 1/2 inches.

Be the best you can be, and all will fall into place. No the guy won't say ewww your gross! If he is into you he will be really into you and think you are the best thing he has ever found! Love is blind to looks, money, dick size, and all other variables. I agree with the earlier posts as well. Good luck and stop hurting yourself! June