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Just feel fed up-Issues with anger, alcohol, inferiority complex & self-loathing

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by sunnii, May 5, 2013.

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  1. sunnii

    sunnii
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    This is pretty long so if you don't want to read it all I think you get the jist of how I'm feeling in the bold underlined parts

    So I thought I was making progress. I thought I was becoming more comfortable with myself and around others and my friends. I could see how much of a fun, bubbly and confident I can be when I talk to others.

    You may have seen my stuff about how I feel inferior to my friends, how much I look up to them and how I lived for hanging out with them (by that I mean just not us hanging at work (we all work together but since we work shifts we are rarely all together at work)).

    Furthermore I have developed a crush on 1 of my best friends which is an issue in itself because I don't know the line between friend and crush as well as the more I see him the worse my crush can be. That issue kind of cooled down because he has been off work from an injury so I don't see him almost every day like I had and it was almost out of sight out of mind, Also my inferiority complex was the worst with him so since I was working and growing as a person without seeing him every day, I felt so much better about myself.

    Then came last week where I got really drunk at a night at 1 of my friend's house. 1st off since I was working the next day I was planning to only have 4 beers and that would be it. I had been more responsible with my drinking at these nights since new year. But I was in a mood and that made me drink more and then I got in a worse mood and then at the end of the night (some people had already left at this point) I got really angry and aggressive at my friend/crush for practically no reason.

    I felt awful for days about it. It completely pre-occupied my mind the whole time. I tried to contact my friend to try and straighten things out but it was always a "bad time" to phone. So I left it for a few days, talked about it with my other best friend (who is the only person ive told about my crush), who didnt see it and I started to feel a bit better. But I needed to straighten it out with my crush since I really value our friendship etc. He told me he was understandably fuming but from what I sensed from the tone he was giving me tough love and a wake up call.


    I feel as bad as I did earlier on in the week. As I mentioned I do kind of live for these nights and get super excited for them but a few hours before I'm getting really nervous and spending the rest of my shift on the toilet. Whenever I hang out with them as a group I go into my shell. When we're drinking I feel awkward like im some background character and when i drink to get courageous I end up being an attention-seeking prick.

    The anger scared me. I can get angry when I have too much to drink. Usually I'm a happy drunk but i can flip. I've only been a drinker for a year but I should have this teenage experimental shit out of me by now.

    It's a cliche but I'm my own worst enemy. I am constantly putting myself down, I'm always putting myself in a bad mood. Obviously I'm beating myself up about what happened last week what also bothers me about it is I'm lashing out at people I REALLY care for.

    My best guess was as much as I look up to my friends, I put them so high on a pedestal that I resent and become jealous of how high they are. How they're so confident, happy, got attractive bf/gf have it all together etc. Also I get oversensitive and feel like the outsider even though I've been a part of the group for a year and a half. Another issue is that I dont live in that area, I live a 35 min drive away so that can be an issue. I have always had this fear of being left out since I've had that problem socially basically all my life. That night 1 friend was picking up another and I said if it was ok if they picked me up after since we were all going to her house that night and they forgot about me. I tried to let it slide but I guess deep down it bothered me. Quite often I've got excited for a night and then it just gets cancelled even as late as a couple of hours before and there have been times when ive had to text them and say "is this still on?". The other thing that happens is on the saturday they can say "let's have a night out" and I'll be working that day and I'm in the middle of a shift and I have to get a change of clothes since I dont want to go out in my work uniform (they've text me after my break so I cant go to buy anything from the shops then a few times), get dinner, find a place to stay for the night and I'm the only 1 that has to work the sunday morning!

    And sorry but I just want to add that night I referred to above I had a shit day at work and I didnt want to go out because I wasnt in the right frame of mind but I actually went home crying because I felt left out. Obviously I am far to oversensitive. I think the mix of the hero-worship and the crush reached a boiling point but I feel like I've suffered a MAJOR setback in feling good about myself. I do feel really down about it especially because I was such a dick I dont feel sorry for myself I am just as pissed off at me as anyone else
     
    #1 sunnii, May 5, 2013
  2. AKTodd

    AKTodd
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    Ok, so just going to go off the gut feelings I got from reading this. The post itself speaks somewhat specifically about some things, but you're kind of general in a lot of others, so I feel limited in what I can say as far as specifics. So basically your mileage may vary.

    Ok, here goes:

    a) I used to do the whole 'oh this person/these people have it so much more together than I do' and then get depressed or upset. Sometimes that can still happen to a small degree, but mostly not. You need to realize this is all in your head. I flat guarantee that every one of these people have their own batch of problems, issues, and fears. They are just putting up a front or likely not even that. You are just seeing them as being perfect, maybe because they may have some things that you really would like to have in your life, maybe just on general 'the grass is always greener' principles.

    You need to stop comparing yourself to your internal vision of how perfect your friends are. Because nobody (your friends included) is perfect, and nobody can compete with perfection. So you're basically putting yourself in a no-win situation here.

    b) I would suggest that you look for something (or maybe several somethings) that you can do for yourself, that you can measure progress on objectively, and that you can make progress on and so feel a sense of accomplishment about. Can be a hobby, can be taking up running or swimming or biking. Can even be going to the gym if you want but I'm leery of that honestly because if you get into the whole weightlifting/physique improvement groove, there will always be someone who is stronger/buffer than you (that's called life) and issues of body appearance are a mix of subjective judgement and personal taste. So you run the risk of getting down on yourself again.

    In contrast, if you can run X number of miles/km, you can run X number of miles/km and while there may be some folks faster you are on a much more even playing field in terms of both objective judgement and being able to measure progress (if you could run X mi/km and a month later can now run Y mi/km is is an objective measurement of progress). You can also do running/swimming/whatever alone and just judge your progress against your best self, not someone else.

    Anyway, getting back to the main point, you need to find something you can feel accomplished about that is just for you and independent of what your friends are doing.

    c) If possible, I would suggest that you broaden your circle of friends and acquaintances so that you are not tied to just one group and a group that has shifting schedules such as you describe. Maybe something like a meetup group, a local lgbt community center, or some charity/social cause/social group that lets you meet and get to know people but initially doesn't carry the emotional expectations that 'friends' do (in other words if you can't make an event one week, no one is going to think less of you - that's just the way these things work). Depending on the area of focus, you might also get the opportunity to add some additional accomplishments to your list to feel good about:slight_smile:

    Random thought - if you can find a game night/group that might be a good thing for you since such a set up seems likely to have some conversation but not the expectation of major talk simply because the games often require a degree of attention from all concerned and also may somewhat channel the conversation that does take place.

    d) Finally, I would be willing to bet that if all your friends are working different shifts then there are times when one or another has to miss some event. It could be that they just all accept this and you might need to learn to as well and so not get so upset about it if an event is happening at an inconvenient date/time for you. Obviously I don't know your full situation, so this is just a guess at this point.

    e) Finally, finally, I would STRONGLY suggest that if you have anger or other emotional control issues when drunk that you make it a point to not get drunk. You mentioned that you only intended to have 4 beers but then had more because you felt bad. But by the end of the evening the results of that seem to have made you feel even worse and for longer. So what was the upside of drinking again?

    Note that I'm certainly biased on this issue since I don't ever drink to excess and have never been drunk or even lightly buzzed. But even with that, I'm not sure what positives you're getting from drinking, at least at this point in your life when you seem to be having issues as a result of it.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
    #2 AKTodd, May 5, 2013
  3. Rakkaus

    Rakkaus Guest

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    It sucks when it seems like everyone around you has it all together and you feel like a loser while time passes by, but really you're not alone, a lot of us are lost souls trying to navigate all sorts of pitfalls and obstacles in daily life. (*hug*)

    First off, I may be a hypocrite for saying so, but I really would recommend trying to just not drink. (I'm also trying to stop drinking) Alcohol may seem useful as a temporary social crutch, but in the long-term it only makes you more and more depressed, and creates lots of episodes you end up regretting, like the way you treated your friend/crush that night.

    Have you ever tried talking to any of your friends and telling them exactly how you feel? If they are really your friends (and it sounds like they are), they would take your concerns to heart and realize how much you value your time with them, which they might not even be aware of.
     
    #3 Rakkaus, May 5, 2013
  4. sunnii

    sunnii
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    Thanks for replying Xx :slight_smile: ill just reply to each section of your post


    A) I know all this but I still think that they're perfect. They do have stuff in their lives that. I wouldn't want. But with that I'm all like "despite their issues what ever they may be. They cope with them I don't
    cope with my shit. I try to tell myself I'm just an emotional person who wears their heart on their sleeve but really I just feel weak.

    Also you're right about stop comparing myself to others I constantly see motivational quotes saying stuff like that-stop comparing yourself or focus on being the best you but I don't i was never really a competative person but now I want to be the best at something so I can just be like I'm better than you.

    B) I actually have a couple of hobbies. I'm really into yoga believe it or not.It does bother me that I still seem to have all this pent up frustration and anger and feelings of self-loathing but it has helped me. The class I go to does put me in a great mindset while at hone I practice ashtanga yoga and I have noticed doing that has built confidence in me (referring to the progress I felt I made in my op). I also go to the gym. I'm not bothered about being the best there I don't want to get muscley but I'm too skinny so I've been trying to bulk up a bit. Yoga teaches me that everyone is different and stuff like that I just don't seem to live that mentality even though I try. The exercise is a double edged sword though because when I'm thinner than people I feel (not in a Dick kind of way) sort of superior or in a better sense, my inferiority complex goes away.

    C) I've tried contacting friends from college. I don't see why I can't try again :slight_smile: With yoga I'm much younger than the people in my class (like 30- 40 years younger). I've thought about doing a class at the gym but work gets in the way. I was close with one of my cousins and I do still see him but when I see him I get reminded of school and how much I hated it. All his friends are from school too and I did go out with them one night and hated it

    D)Yeah shit happens I was just getting ranty at that stage.

    E)I agree. I've got a party to go to in a couple of weeks and I don't want to drink. I'll make myself the designated driver to make sure I can't have a drink and at the same time I can drop my friends off to make it up to them in a small way.


    Not going to lie drinking is fun. Generally I'm a happy drunk and I can be great fun. I do however use it as a crutch which is bad. I'm not an alcoholic I haven't drank since last week. I know alcohol isn't the solution and I know no one forces me to drink. I do it because I want to.

    A lot of the time when I try to explain why I'm unhappy I struggle to put it to words but when I do it feels all mellodramatic and high schooly. I have a lot of bitterness and anger probably more than I thought. I can feel bitter towards other people but at the same time.hate myself so I basically hate everyone. I don't feel like I started living till I was like 18 but I was living my early teens at that age and now I feel like I'm being a melodramatic 17 year old who's totally self involved in their own bubble. I resent myself for sheltering myself for so long and now I do socialise but its clear the art of socialising is fairly new to me which I find so embarrassing. Which I'm guessing is why I'm so insecure.

    ---------- Post added 6th May 2013 at 12:31 AM ----------

    Thanks for the nice comments Xx

    I am planning to minimize my drinking. A problem I have is if I'm in the house and I've already worked out I'm bored and I'm alone with my thoughts and tv or books aren't helping so booze can be tempting (this isnt every night's mostly night's I'm off work the next.day or not starting till like 5pm. But probably because I'm my own worst enemy I sort of like making myself sad while drinking. I don't know why I do it and its not healthy. But I've always kind of been pike that. Like whenever I get sad about like feeling lonely and about my crush (I love him as a friend but its more the idea of me having a bf than him personally he's just there at the right/wrong place at the right/wrong time) ill either smile or start laughing.


    Ironically the friend I can talk to stuff about the most is my crush and when I try to talk to him I feel like I'm missing out a major detail in how I feel. With my other best friend that knows about my crush. He isn't the best at like deep convos. I told him how I felt about that night and my inferiority complex with them and he kind of brushed over it because I'm guessing he was uncomfortable. I don't want to start telling more people about my crush though. When we hang out though I might initially want to talk about stuff but well be having fun and I don't want to ruin that.

    Oh I don't know if I wrote this earlier but see whenever I'm with them one to one I'm fine but even when its 3 of us I go into my shell. Since I've noticed that I get nervous and overthink once that scenario arrives
     
    #4 sunnii, May 5, 2013
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