I've been on a couple of dates with this guy I met a month ago, and we've spoke basically every day since meeting. Sometimes me texting him, sometimes him texting me, so there wasn't much of a chase involved. The first date turned from getting food earlier on into me going out with him to his friends birthday night out in town (he was running very late that day and already had the birthday commitment), I barely knew him and I had never met his friends, but he said he wanted me to come and that I was welcome. I did, and I had a great night. He introduced me to his friends, and then after the night had finished walked me to my bus stop because I didn't want me to go alone. He text me afterwards saying he had a nice time, I said I did too, and he joked saying "maybe we can actually get food next time!" So all seemed well. He arranged the next date when we were texting one day and talking about the cinema. He said "we should go one time and get something to eat too!" so I said "sure, when are you free?" and we settled on later on in the week. I thought the date went very well, and I told him I had a great time and would love to carry on seeing him. He agreed. So, fastforward a week, and we come to yesterday. I dropped him a text and asked if he fancied going out again next week. He said "yeah alright, what did you have in mind?" ...The conversation went as follows. YESTERDAY Me: I was thinking we could either go for a drink in a bar, or you could come over and watch a film? I got no reply to this, so earlier today I dropped him another text... TODAY Me: Hey x Him: Hello x Me: How're you? x Him: Knackered! Started my shift at 5:30 this morning you? x Me: I'm alright, just in the uni library writing my essay! x Him: I'm working on my last assignment then I'll think I'll have to have a nap, haha x Me: Good stuff! Btw, I never heard back from you yesterday. Did you fancy doing either of what I proprosed or...? x Him: Well I was thinking that watching a film in a house gives the impression of something else doesn't it really? Haha... And I do quite like drinking, so maybe we could just go to a bar instead or whatever? Me: What does it give the impression of? ...Suddenly get the feeling I've been horribly misreading signals. Him: I'm not sure?... I'm not after a relationship or anything, not while I'm at university haha, not even got the time as it is... I'm sorry if there was anything that came across as otherwise? x [I didn't reply to this for a while. I was gobsmacked and had no idea what to say] Him sometime later: Is that an abrupt end to us being mates then? :S Me after collecting myself from the ground: No not at all. Maybe the house thing was a bit too much too soon, but I literally meant watch a film haha! But I assumed you were at least a little interested in me...? I definitely thought you knew I was interested in you. x Him: Honestly, I must be rubbish at picking up signs if you thought I knew :S I'm just not really looking for a boyfriend... Can we still be mates, now we know where things stand? x I'm just gobsmacked here. I don't know how I could have got it so wrong. I don't know how he could not NOT have known I was into him, even his friends who I met on a night out joked to me "so, you and <name> eh? " It makes no sense. No sense what-so-ever. What should I do?
Do nothing, but be his friend. What other choice do you have? Maybe over time he may sing a diffrent song, but I doubt it. Sounds to me like a guy looking for sex. June
Maybe he's interested in being friends, but not a relationship. Or maybe he's not sure how he feels about you, and wants to go slow to figure out how he feels.
The "he just wants one thing from you" song did cross my mind, but 1) he doesn't seem like that type of person, and 2) surely me inviting him round alone for the night would make him think that would be the time to have fun. Regardless, that's totally not what I'm about. I literally meant come round and watch a film, haha! It's just all very confusing because he makes out that he had no idea I liked him, but...he must have. No one is that oblivious or slow. We're two single gay guys, why would we meet up alone for a meal and cinema and drinks and the like and it not be something of a date. It just doesn't make sense to me, none of it does.
Agreed. This could be the case. Hang around him as a friend for a while. If he doesn't ever pick up again, find someone else.
This seems quite odd. I have to agree with Patrick star up there in saying that he is probably just trying to take it slow. And did that text seem drunk to you, at all, Or stoned out of his mind, or is it just me.
I'll probably get flack for this.....but what intentions did you both display? What I mean is...does he know you are gay? Is he gay? Those would be the only exceptions. Frankly, if I was going to go out with a guy, I'd make it either abundantly clear I wasn't interested in dating...or I'd be all up in his grill. I, personally, don't believe it's really possible to be friends with the sex you want to sleep with, but that's just me.
I'd just like to point out that I am that oblivious. If someone's on the autistic spectrum, you can't always tell until you get to know them well. Most people I meet think I'm fairly normal, but meanwhile I'm missing most of the social cues they're giving and guessing based on the ones I catch. Not saying he necessarily is on the spectrum, but if you notice him missing other cues besides those involving you, it could be a possibility. Also keep in mind that not everyone on the autism spectrum is diagnosed or aware of their condition.
Well, I'd say my intentions very much looked like I was looking for a date, and I would have said his did too based on his reponses. Maybe it's my fault for not using the word date... He's gay, he knows I'm gay. That's why I find it odd, and I was speaking to a straight female friend about it and she said "I definitely see where you're coming from. If I was single, I wouldn't meet a guy, give him my number and start going to the cinema, for meals, and inviting him out with me and my friends if I wasn't looking for something." As much as I want to be friends with him, I know I'm going to want more so I could end up getting hurt... I don't think he's autistic. Maybe he was just very oblivious, or maybe he is being slightly dishonest in his excuse.
I disagree with most of these comments. I am going to tell it to you straight because I don't want you getting your hopes up and getting hurt. He was politely trying to say he isn't interested in a relationship.. just in being friends. It is difficult trying to put someone down especially when you want to be a friend with that person. By saying "something else" he is discretely trying to say that being alone in that setting is too much like a date and he doesn't want to date you. He even clarifies that he is not interested in a relationship. It doesn't seem clear to you when you have very strong feelings for someone because there is part of you that still hopes there is a chance. I am 100% sure this is what he meant. Don't wait around for this guy he isn't interested in a relationship. If it is too emotionally difficult for you to be around him don't torture yourself. Sorry if that is hard to hear but I have rejected a lot of people in a similar fashion and they didn't take the hint so I am now very blunt with people. I have straight out told men I was gay and they still thought there was a potential for a relationship because it is difficult to let someone go when you care about them. Best of luck to you. You will find someone believe me just not this guy.
Just to add to what Asari has said (and not to pile on): While he may have been interested in dating at the start, it is possible that at some point he decided that he wasn't interested in being anything but friends, perhaps just before you contacted him about the movie or bar thing. At that point he might have suddenly felt like he was 'on the spot', especially if he interpreted your invite as an invitation for sex. So he basically talked himself out of the situation, but did it badly and awkwardly, leaving you feeling confused. My 2c worth, Todd
@Asari and AKTodd - Thanks, I think this is what I needed to hear. I think I knew that was the situation in the back of my head, but I didn't want to accept it. My guess on what happened is after the date with the film and cinema, he realized he wasn't interested. My friends tried to tell me I was being over-paranoid when I said I thought he seemed a little off, and while I am the paranoid sort, I think in this one case it actually helped me work things out a little quicker than someone with a more carefree attitude. It's a real shame because I honestly thought the date had gone really well, had it not I would have expected it. I've been on bad dates, and that just...wasn't one of them. By the way, this is how the rest of the conversation progressed. I decided to bite my tongue, showing I was upset about it would have made it worse. Him sometime later: Is that an abrupt end to us being mates then? :S Me after collecting myself from the ground: No not at all. Maybe the house thing was a bit too much too soon, but I literally meant watch a film haha! But I assumed you were at least a little interested in me...? I definitely thought you knew I was interested in you. x Him: Honestly, I must be rubbish at picking up signs if you thought I knew :S I'm just not really looking for a boyfriend... Can we still be mates, now we know where things stand? Haha x Me: Not half as bad as I am haha. I'm not really looking for a boyfriend either, I just like you and was going with the flow I guess! Yeah of course, you're a great guy and it's been nice getting to know you x Him: Aw thanks, you too... It's nice to meet another gay guy with similar tases to me... We'll look past Mariah Carey x Me: Shush you! If you still wanted to go out for that drink as mates like you thought, then that'd be cool x Him: Yeah sure, i'll take a gander and my calender x I've not heard from him since. And to be honest, I don't expect to. I think he's too nice and polite to tell it to me straight, so he's just going to back away and our entire friendship will fizzle out. I don't think I could be his friend at the minute anyway. Now I need to move on, fast! Because I hate feeling like this. I blame my own emotional attachment issues, because I get far too attached far too fast. And I'm actually quite angry at him, but I still have feelings for him at the same time. I don't know what to do...
