Hey guys! :smilewave How do I appropriately tell someone I'm rather...umm...mad at him? I don't want it to turn into a huge fight or something...and no screaming matches either... I don't wanna throw a tantrum. There have been a few times he did/said things that bothered and/or hurt me. I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me or anything but at some point I even found the things he was joking about rather mean. (He was making fun of me - don't have a problem with that, in fact I always laugh at myself/don't take myself too seriously but two or three people against one? Didn't appreciate that...). There were some other things he said/did that made me feel excluded, kinda humiliated and unappreciated. I really don't think that it was intentional but all these small things have been piling up and now I'm about to explode... It's incredibly rare for me to get mad at someone which obviously is why I'm not good at dealing with anger/communicating anger. I'm a bit too peaceful :lol: But I feel like I can't keep it in much longer, it just bothers me so much. Any advice on how to handle the situation without having it escalate? Last time I freaked out and didn't talk to him for 3 months (clearly no way to deal with the situation)...We eventually talked it all out and he said that he wasn't angry & just wondering why I was so mad. He's the kind of person who would probably feel rather bad if he knew how he made me feel by saying/doing the things he did. Since getting mad at someone is such a rare thing for me I have absolutely no practice in dealing with anger. Therefore I've often found myself being bothered by someone but unable to communicate either at all or appropiately. I'm usually too nice and wait till it's all bottled up and then freak out. Though this probably only happens every 3 or 4 years. But then it always ends in a disaster. Not gonna let that happen this time So what do I do?
'I feel angry because of X, Y, and Z.' Also, try not to hit him with a big long list. Keep it to one or two, or maybe three things, or he'll get overwhelmed and defensive. This is a common mistake that people who bottle up their feelings tend to make - when they finally open up about it, they let loose the whole big rant all at once, which does not get a good response. Oh, and one more thing - if you're really uncomfortable expressing anger, try saying your feelings are hurt instead.
Thanks, Ettina! :smilewave Well, I'm actually angry because my feelings are hurt - so I think I should definitely mention that. And I think I can narrow it down to two main points and keep it simple. I really don't wanna freak out and start screaming at him. Right now he thinks everything's alright - do I just say that we have to talk? Even when the last thing that made me angry was like Wednesday morning? Or do I just wait and say something when it happens again? God, I feel stupid - don't want him to think I get mad at everything...
I wouldn't wait until it happens again. You're just going to be simmering and might blow your top. The sooner you do this, the better. Communication of needs is key in any relationship. When these things happen to me I go up to the person and say (or message), "I was hurt when you said ___ because ___. Could you not say those things?" I don't blame them, I don't insult them, I don't give them essays. Just a simple request. If he really is your friend, he'll care and not say those things. Lastly, he may need some help in knowing what exactly it is that hurts you. My friend told me she wants me to speak up whenever she talks about something that hurts me. She can't magically know what exact topics affect me and which ones don't. So don't expect him to be perfect with this. Continuous dialogue is good.
Thanks stuffiscool! :smilewave But...ummm...today I kinda...screwed up... :bang: I didn't even go to him to say hello & hug him...and then I ignored him...yeah...that was bad...communication is now dead :dead: I mean it's not like he asked me anything and he didn't try to talk to me either... He actually turned around and was like "[Insert name of girl sitting next to me], did you know blah blah blah and [insert some exam results] blah blah blah." I was sitting right next to them. I wanted to know as well. Yeah, sorry that I care about you too... :bang: Thanks for explicitly stating that you're only talking to her He could've at least said you two or something. I am so pissed And the thing is - there are always at least 20 people around, so I can't catch him alone. Don't really wanna message or call him. Ugh...I'm beyond mad... :tantrum: These are the things that drive me crazy :bang: Why is it so hard to communicate properly? :bang:
