The deepest truth of love or reality?

Hey everyone I thank you in advance for your thoughts and opinions if you have any.

I am currently in a situation where I feel great sadness and guilt over my uncontrollable feelings. I know they are my own fault and if I was more honest with myself many years ago maybe I wouldn't have ended up in the situation I am in.

Basically I am someone who has always questioned my own personal sexuality I have always felt me attracted to both sexes and I have even had a few girlfriends. I always knew deep down I also had a strong attraction to men as well so I always was left in a limbo, but I'm the type of person who is fiercely independent and private so I don't think it's anyone's concern what i do with a consenting adult in private quarters but at the same time I am tired of putting the face on everyday and failing to see who I truly am anymore. Long story short I need advice on what to do with my feelings? Most recently my friend who is gay met a guy and messed up the relationship within 48 hours of it by lying to him and other drama. My friend begged me for help on fix their relationship (before I met him) so I did I texted the guy and apologized for my friend which helped them get where they are right now. So later that night I finally met this guy and for some odd reason I had an attraction to his personality. Long story short, we hung out and talks door over 8 hours one night and we just started to get closer to each other not sexually but on a deep level of talk and understanding. He always stared in my eyes for a long period of time and told me how cute I am even when I didn't believe him. He always wanted to Han out when my friend was at work and didn't care what my friend thought and their relationship was odd because this guy was trying to hangs him and make him into the person he was looking for while he told me I was in his level, I'm the only one he doesn't have to take care of and he 100 percent appreciates me. He even asked about personal details of my body and talked about going on exotic trips with me and having fun. I saw his great qualities but also his not so great ones but I really started to fall head over heals for him and he knew it from the beginning he called me out about my sexuality and told me I should be real with myself and how I'm attractive and someone that would be amazon to have a relationship with that would give my all and live out a great life with... With everything and my own feelings I just became so wrapped up in everything and feeling so shameful because of my friend who wasn't a good friend to me and used me only when he had problems... But that's not who I am I have morals and values and I felt so torn and mad because I couldn't control my feelings. Long story short, he started to test my friend to become more like me because he wanted my friend to have similar qualities as me but wanted him. I finally worked up the courage to tell him howninfelt and he told me he knew all along. I even asked him for rejection and he said he would never give up on me. But I just. Couldn't do it anymore my feelings became stronger and stronger as time went on but he was still on his quest to improve my former friend. I had to say peace to him (my friend) because he really just want my friend anymore and maybe I wasn't his friend anymore either. So this kid still wanted me around and I kept going back feeling more and more upset and I feel like he knew the entire time finally I told him I couldn't do it anymore and he told me that he only sees me as a friend and nothing more and he is sorry I feel the way I do, but he has strong feelings for my friend, but I feel that's bull because we always went out for dinner or lunch and I paid and he never offered and he was happy I tried giving him everything he wanted and on top of it all I'm like thank you for finally being honest and he still wants me to stay in the picture after I said how miserable i am and how shameful I feel! I feel worthless and like a horrible human being and I just don't know who to even talk to. I can't stay and I don't want to go either but I am going because it's just not right, I'm the one listening to songs to heal me alone while they have their extreme makeover party with my friend transforming into the person hh wants and needs him to be. I am just lost and feel alone if you have any feed back please let me know and thanks so much

 

Sorry about that, when I type it's full mind over matter. But yeah you hit the nail on the preverbal coffin. I just felt I got mixed signals from the guy and he even told me he is confused and that I'm on his level and I'm the only one who sees him for him and how he doesn't have to take care of me like he does with my "friend". Idk I never thought any of this would happen and I feel extremely guilty. But I am walking away to get out of that storm. But idk I just can't stop caring about this guy it's really odd and I never felt this. I already feel like that guy in the cold and I feel like I deserve it... But thank you June for your time and really caring enough to respond! It really means alot to me sincerely

 

So since my last post there was nothing but silence and I have been doing my damn best to walk away and just do me and be me, but now he (the guy) and my former friend keep hitting me up. The guy wants me to be his "friend" but doesn't want the friendship I am looking for or offer. He told me that I should just be a hey how's it going friend and leave it at that because that's what he needs. So I told him sorry I can't do that and he told me I want relationships with others not friendships which really hurt me because he told me that he has to take care of so many people and just will not do it for me and it's not I need him I'm that way I'm looking for support and dedication. He refuses to give that and he wants me to stay in the picture knowing my feelings and how I really care about him I'm very mad and hurt with myself I feel really dumb and just a fool. I feel like he has it out against me and I have no idea wtf I did wrong to him. As far as my former friend goes I'm done with him because he just cut me out like I was trash. I just feel played and I guess I wanted to get played because I felt love but now I see I'm alone still and unloved. And looming like a fool for all to judge and mock....