My life is pointless...and I kinda almost died yesterday....

The trip could either be good or bad for you, but I would encourage you to go. Being around that many people... maybe you could open up to one of them.

As for the therapist, it may be a good idea to look into another. I know you really enjoyed your previous one but unfortunately getting too attached to them isn't healthy, as at that point they become more like a lifeboat.

Also, besides the water intoxication (which I had never heard of before actually... how much water did you drink!?) it sounds like you may have an eating disorder. I'm not a doctor but you should definitely talk to a doctor about the fact you go without eating and then take multiple laxatives.

When was the last time you have taken any drugs or had excess alcohol? I'm glad you have the LGBTQ Center, but it sounds like you need more resources than that at this point, as you appear to be struggling with multi-faceted issues.

 

Well Dude, I read it from top to bottom, because I wanted to hear what you had to say & I am sure like a lot of people on here, I care about what happens to you, you are part of the EC community & a lot of people on here love you for who you are, we want you to be happy, it sounds like your LGBTQ does you good, you need to keep going, as this is a positive in your life (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

 

Hey!!! I CARE!!! I am sending you love & hugs!!!!

 

And I care. Hi, I'm Todd. I don't think we've been formally introduced :smilewave

I can't say I've gone through what you're going through. But I'm happy to talk (either publicly or PM since we're both full members and all) or even just listen, if that would help.

Regarding your post above, I wonder if your water drinking is a stress reaction? You describe being very stressed and just filling your water bottle again and again. Could your water drinking be a coping mechanism that in this instance went a bit out of control?

Perhaps you should consider switching to a smaller water bottle, just to make it less likely to OD again? Perhaps also limit yourself to some number of bottles of water (or drinks of water overall) in a day? Just a thought.

I agree with the idea that you should do the retreat. It might do you good to be around people for a bit. And you might make a new friend And keep going to the center.

Also, you really should talk to the folks here as well as explore other therapy or related options both in general and re the alcohol and drugs you mention. One of my best friends is a recovering alcoholic and he never misses a meeting. He's also a really great guy and I count myself lucky to call him a friend. You've already indicated that the therapy was really helpful and it seems a good thing to get you back into it asap instead of having to wait for the center to bring in a new person. Anyway, just my thoughts.

Take care and if you want to talk, I'm around EC quite a bit. Just drop me a line.

Todd

 

I'm sorry to hear about your water intoxication, and I am glad that you're okay. I'm also sorry to hear that your sessions with your therapist stopped so abruptly. I can imagine that that doesn't feel good. I would also recommend trying to continue going to the LGBT center, because it sounds like you were enjoying that. If you don't feel healthy enough to go to the retreat or you feel like you'll have a panic attack, I would recommend not going. But it could be good for you as well, maybe it would give you a new outlook.

I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I've dealt with anxiety, depression, and an eating disorder for many years, along with a substance abuse problem. As always, I am always here to talk if you want.

 

I can't say that we've ever met, but I most definitely care what happens to you. Like you, I struggle with social anxiety and depression. I've been walking this path since I was 13. Because of my depression and anxiety, I developed a substance abuse problem in my early 20s. I know how hard the struggle can be, and I just wanted to say that if you ever need to talk, my inbox is always open to you.

 

Hi, I'm Trace and I care.

I understand how difficult it is to be at the lowest of lows and feeling like no one cares... I've been there too. I second trying to find a low cost therapist. In the meantime though, write down your feelings and thoughts... good, bad, and ugly. Just getting it out there can put your mind at ease. Try yoga, taking a walk, or going for a bike ride. Exersize can release seratonin, which can make you feel happier.
Please make sure to keep coming back here, we all care about you and want to see you succeed.

 

I care for you Rakkus. I`m so sorry to hear what you are going through. Life is never pointless. You been a great friend on here since i joined and i thank you for that. Not many people make me cry reading letters but you have and that`s down to you for being a nice guy and caring. I also think you should go on the retreat. Don`t leave here. I will miss you very much if you did. :tearslease wall message me.(*hug*)

 

Don't ever say no one here cares about you. It's not true, and you should know that. While I was reading your post, I was almost about to cry just thinking about what you were saying. You think that you are worthless, and you definitely are not. "A person's a person, no matter how small." If you didn't know, this a line from Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Suess. It makes me think of how many people commit suicide everyday due to depression. Without others, I know, it's tough, but look at where you are talking. This place is designed to help you. And no matter what, someone will always be there to help you out. And also, you make it seem as though your life is worthless, but it is not. Every person has some significance in the world. I'm sure you were just nervous, and you just drank too much. But I remind you, don't ever think that a life isn't worth it, especially yours.

 

I know it's so easy to say this but I genuinely and honestly mean this with every atom that makes me up - you're not worthless. I know that feeling; the emptiness, the loneliness, the feeling that where you're at now will always be where you're at and it's horrible. I know it's horrible, I've felt those feelings before but please, please, please don't think that's how it will always be and please don't think you're worthless. It's just not true. I also know having people say these things on the Internet will never be the same as having people there with you saying it, but you genuinely do have people who care about you. I'm 3500 miles from you and we're very unlikely to ever meet but I still care about you, as do many others here. The situation you're in now will change at some point because these situations just do over time, but until then try ride it out and stick with it.

A few months ago I was in a pretty dark place generally for various reasons, not contemplating suicide but I had absolutely no will to live and if I'd been splattered by a bus when crossing the road I wouldn't have considered it to be a great loss to the world. I almost wanted to die but without having the balls to contemplate suicide. Or maybe I didn't want to... I'm not actually quite sure but either way I wasn't entirely happy. I had the similar feelings of worthlessness, like my entire existence meant nothing and the fact I was breathing air and using oxygen was just wasteful. At some point though, it might take a while but at some point, you start realising that way of thinking isn't actually right. You start realising you're not worthless, and slowly but surely things start getting kinda back to normal. It took probably 2 months for me to crawl out of my last down phase and I needed a lot of support from my closest friend but I did get out of it. You'll get out of it too.

One thing I'll say though is I don't think staying in your room will help. Do you have any kind of hobbies that can get you out of the house or keep your mind active? I'm a massive photography geek and whenever I have serious down phases I always try get out with a camera as much as I can because in a weird way it fights the feelings of worthlessness. If I get home at the end of a shooting session with some images I'm really happy with and I can think... Yeah, those images didn't exist a few hours ago, I've actually created something today... Then I immediately feel a bit better. It isn't a cure by any means but to be honest had it not been for that I think there's a fairly strong chance I would have given suicide more thought. Human beings haven't evolved to sit and do nothing; we need activity to stop us going crazy and doing things we enjoy, even if they're things we do on our own, can help shift some of that negative energy into something more positive. Is there anything that could fulfil that role for you?

I kind of went on a bit there so I hope reading it didn't bore you to tears and I hope it made some kind of sense. Final point - people care about you, I care about you and here's a load of hugs to prove it!

(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

 

Here's the thing, dude. Reading through your description, I really don't think you're having any fun here. Barricaded in your room bruised and bloodied and feeling like shit both physically and emotionally while getting to smell your own puke and listen to your stomach growl is not my idea of a fun way to spend an afternoon and I don't get any sense that you're enjoying it either. You've also posted on here about some past hookups that (when all was said and done) didn't seem to end with you wandering around with a silly grin on your face for a few days afterward.

You've said that you feel worthless. Well, you're not. Yes, I'm going to line up and join the chorus on that one. I'm also going to riff a bit on the idea that the one thing you don't ever want to do in this world is end your life.

This isn't just an academic thing for me when I say this either. My eldest brother died as a result of drugs and alcohol abuse. My cousin committed suicide some years ago. You don't want to do either of those things.

So why not try to change your circumstances?

Check out the AA meetings. If you never drink again, then worst case you've wasted a few hours a week or a month. But maybe you'll find out you aren't wasting your time after all. Not sure if AA deals with drug issues, but if not then suggest you find something in that area as well. Please.

Again, worst case scenario you waste a little bit of time. But maybe you actually start turning things around and feeling better (Call this option B)? Would the chance at that be worth a few hours of your time? Because the way you seem to be spending it now doesn't seem to be filling you with warm, happy thoughts.

Finally, you really need to start eating on a regular basis. You need protein (meat and peanut butter are both good sources) and things like fresh vegetables and such. Both for general health and because being in a state of near starvation can mess with your head and your emotions. You can't make good decisions that way. I know about that too. If I do to long without eating I get really mean and angry and then get a huge headache. None of these are conducive to clear thinking.

Just give it some thought, Ok?

Todd