Its been a while since I´ve been on ec, lately everything has been really calm. I haven´t come out to my family and I don´t plan to anytime soon. Although Im sure they know, which I´ve been told here many times... Today in particular my dad came to talk to me because Im going away for the summer, and its the first time Im going to live alone. He talked about drugs, and to be safe if Im sexually active, and stuff like that.... and then he said that my mom and him were confused about my sexuality for some comments I had made, so they started thinking I was gay but then he knew I liked girls also :dry:... and he said that its natural to be attracted to both sexes at some age, but the attraction for the opposite sex always prevails, and that gay people are gay because they think its not so bad and that now a days it is a "trend" but its never natural. And that if I were to choose a lifestyle like that I had to think of the consequences first of being a second class citizen and all the diseases etc... So, obviously they know, but they don´t like it, and they wouldn´t support it, that´s what he basically said :icon_sad: I didn´t say anything because I really didn´t want to get in a fight the day before I leave, but it scared my a little, because I know I am gay, and I´m almost completely fine with it, but after what mydad said, I´m scared, I mean now I know they wouldn´t completely abandon me, but they would never accept me because for them its a choice He said people convince themselves its genetic or its something they have no control of, but the truth is that its unnatural, and it will bring negative consequences always.... but it my life :icon_sad: Thx for reading all of it, and I would really appreciate anything you have to say, advice or anything
It not a choice you made. You wouldn`t choose to be gay. Why would anybody choose that? I`m gay and have always been. I knew i liked lads when i was about 9 and gay when i was 11. About the consequences. You can get that with anything you do not just being gay. Like if you do a crime you have to do the time. So i have to say what your dad said is not true really. Also you 21 now so go and enjoy life and live your life how you want it to be. Hope i helped a bit. Good luck.
It's a pity your father is putting such a negative spin on it because it is a big of a mindf*ck for you to process At best .. It is likely be driven by thoughts of your well being, or secondly his own well being (?) but you must just be true to yourself and don't be pressured by this "talk". No need for any response either .. Just move on..
It´s their way of thinking and they appearantly don´t know any better. That´s sad but you could say to them that there isn´t such a thing as a typical lifestyle and that you feel a bit hurt that they assume you will be some kind of a pig just because you are attracted to men too. You could ask if they think about YOU instead of "the lifestyle". Often people disapprove because they have no idea what it is really like, and get crazy ideas in their heads, but when it is about something real close and they actually experience what it is about, they come round. That´s what I found in my (religious) mother´s family, anyway.
he's afraid, and what he's saying is what he's hoping, not necessarily what he believes -- though that's a definite possibility too. Homophobia is so deeply rooted in our society and reinforced in so many ways, despite the progress we've seen. I think you were right not to make an issue of it at this particular time, but you might think about ways to broach the subject in the future, maybe first with your mom and get a sense of the best way to let him know that a) he's way off base in his thinking about being gay, and b) that you are in fact gay, not because it's trendy ( !! ) or you've "decided" to be "unnatural" but because that is in fact who you actually are. I think being away on your own for the summer should also help you think about this, let you get some autonomy and distance that are really important in the process of coming out to parents, especially ones who won't be thrilled. Good luck Kyle.
If anything, their reaction could've been worse. Rather, based on what you've said, I picture them more as misinformed parents worried about their son, than anti-gay parents ready to berate you. The fact that your parents discussed it with each others could also mean that they've already partially entered the stages of grief in the off-chance that you would be gay (from their perspective). I don't know if you have any intentions of coming out to your parents anytime soon, but I suggest that you gather some information or resources about homosexuality that you'll be able to give your parents should you ever come out to them. Seems like they'd need to be educated to get past the misconceptions about homosexuality, and that may help them to accept it.
I'm sorry. I know that's not what you want from your parents. Have you considered that your dad may well be a closeted bisexual? Straight people don't think everyone is naturally attracted to both sexes, even temporarily. Take a moment and filter everything he said through the perspective of someone that's lived in fear and denial their whole life.... Just think about it. I'm not suggesting you discuss this with him, just that you consider it and treat him with patience and compassion... if that makes any sense? I know you want your parents to accept you, but sometimes as we become adults we have realize that our parents aren't always who we thought or hoped they were.
This experience was terrible. But, alas, nothing unusual. I can't promise anything, but I'd say this situation is not hopeless. Right now, your dad sounds like he's in some sort of denial. He doesn't actively hate you, apparently, but is hoping the problem will go away when you meet the right girl. He's not the first person to think that. He won't be the last. I think it's possible that in time he'll come to a more realistic understanding. It's not impossible that if you get married one day--to a guy!--that he'll be cheering you on. He's not at that point today, but people can grow and change. One issue worth considering for your parents: they grew up in a different world than you did. Society in places today basically will say, "Gay? So what?" Those same places even twenty years ago might have expressed hate. Even though I'm gay, and recognize how things have changed, there is a core part of me that still has fearful memory of what things used to be like. Of course, there is a chance that he'll never accept it. But there is really nothing you can do except accept that fact, and deal with it as best you can. I know this is hard, and better accepted intellectually than emotionally. (I have a seriously dysfunctional relationship with my father. We haven't even seen each other in recent years, and we live less than an hour apart. So trust me: I know what I'm talking about here if nowhere else!) ---------- Post added 17th May 2013 at 09:24 AM ---------- Interesting point, and worth thinking about. Or else he could be plain gay. Gay and married? You can see that drama discussed daily here in the LGBT Later In Life. That section, incidentally, is worth studying in case you ever decide to cave in and get married to a woman to make your parents happy. That section will show how a straight marriage when you are gay is a ticking time bomb that will make your life a living hell sooner or later. ---------- Post added 17th May 2013 at 09:26 AM ---------- x2
I am very sorry that your father said this to you. That's gotta bite. Once you're away, you'll have time to process it all, but don't let yourself get stuck on it. You want to be able to enjoy yourself! Besides, you can't deal with it hans on right this second. It's seem that maybe your parents are uneducated about the LGBTQ community and what being gay means. Maybe you could explain that you did not choose this. That it is not something you choose! This of course would mean really coming out, but you think they already know, right? Either way, they need to be educated.
Kyle, You've been in the exact same place emotionally, posting variations of the same story, for years. Your dad doesn't believe you're straight, or bi, or confused, or that you can change. He knows you're gay. So does your mom. They have, for ages. But the problem is... you continue to deny and tapdance with them, which just prolongs the agony for everyone. As long as you deny it, and as long as they think there's a remote chance you aren't gay, or can change, they'll stay in their denial, and when parents are in denial, they will do and say a ton of hurtful stuff, not even consciouly, because they're desperately trying to cling to the idea that you aren't gay. Which you are, in a dysfunctional way, supporting them in doing. You're 21 years old for chrissakes. Old enough to be who you are, to stand up for what you believe in. Once you come out, they'll be unhappy with it momentarily. But because they've known for so long, and thought about it, they've already had time to come to terms with it. Your mom's even said things indicating that in the past, because you've written about those things. But they'll get past it and be fine with it. If you were to tell them, perhaps before you go away on this summer trip, they'll have the whole summer, without you there, to think about, process, and come to terms with it. And when you come back, they'll be looking forward to seeing you, so the dislike you fear will have dissipated. You have a golden opportunity to stop being miserable, to quit this charade you've been keeping up for years, which is hurting you and your parents substantially. But you're the only one who can do it. They've already come to the table and handed you every possible opportunity, and you keep blowing off all their attempts for you to tell them the truth. Every day that you keep this elephant in the room is a day that you feel shitty about yourself, because you can't tell two of the people you care most about in the world something that's really important to you and who you are. Please, please think about using this amazing opportunity to get it out in the open and be done with it. I absolutely guarantee that you will be much, much happier once you do.
Living in truth of who you are is not easy but its worth it. At 45 I'm discovering this. Now that I'm out I feel so much happier being able to be me. Hugs
He said some people actually, not everyone, he said it might be normal to experience those things at an age, and that´s why people turn gay.... but I would seriously doubt he is And Chip, I know I must be frustrating to you, Im sorry, I just have a good relationship with my family and the only bad part is me being gay, and Im scared that by telling them it would make my relationship, with my parents and my sister awkward. I know maybe in time they would accept it, but Im just too scared to live that awkward stage :icon_sad: I do feel Im getting closer though, its just that their´s still some small part of me that´s scared to be gay. Im sorry for being so annoying. I will keep trying to tell them, and be honest. And my dad did say he was proud of me, and he did say it was my life, but he also said he disagreed with the gay "lifestyle" But I really appreciate you actually caring for me, this site has helped me to not feel completely alone, and Im thankful that I found it. Thx to everyone for your support
@ Femmeme A lot of people, including straight, think it is perfectly normal that you are attracted to both sexes for a while and some even get involved but are really really straight. Not everybody, especially the straight, like to be reminded of the time they experimented, but a lot did. Mentioning that people try both sexes for a period and even trying it, doesn't make you "not straight". Just like it is wrong to think that you become gay because of it, it is wrong to assume that everybody that has been curious or just too horny to care, is bi. Now, Kyle, what your father got wrong is thinking that this experimenting TURNS you gay. We know that it only makes you more sure that you are. Just like trying all kinds of food can make you more sure about what cuisine you like.... Or watching all kinds of sport to find out what sport you really like to watch... Maybe you could help your father understand that way? And you could ask if he thinks that every gay has the same lifestyle and if he can't imagine that there are gays that are just loving couples with a "healthy" lifestyle? But you should begin with telling them that you are gay or they wil keep hurting your feelings just because they might not even know they do....
If you are 21 don't worry about it. If he disagrees with you on something and is wrong about said something don't be worried about staing your opinion, aggressively if nessisary, and state your beliefs and orientation.
Kyle, to be clear... I'm not frustrated. I just hate to see you in this long-term pattern of unhappiness and depression. And I can say with 100% confidence, from everything you've said over the past several years, that it will change almost immediately once you step past the fear. The closest analogy I can come up with is the kid who gets a splinter in his finger. The parent wants to remove the splinter, but the kid screams and cries and doesn't want to let anyone touch it, for fear it will hurt for the 2 seconds while the splinter is removed... even though, once it's removed, the pain that's been there for the past 45 minutes is completely gone and everything is better. Your situation is the same. Your relationship with your parents isn't as wonderful as you say it is, because they keep bringing up this issue. It's weighing on them just as much as it is on you, and you're being selfish toward them and their feelings by intentionally misleading them. They know full well what's going on, and they want the truth to come out, whatever it is. There are points at which not knowing something is worse than getting bad news about it, and this is one of them. If your dad's telling you he's proud of you and doesn't agree with "the lifestyle" he's directly telling you he knows, and the "disapproval" part is the desperate attempt to make it not true. It's irrational, and he knows it's irrational... but he can't step past it until you step up. And I guarantee that once you officially tell him what he already knows... he'll still be proud, and his disapproval will dissipate, and he'll be just as proud of you as he is now. You're creating a problem that doesn't exist and choosing to keep the splinter in your finger instead of dealing with a few days (at most) of discomfort to make things better on the whole. Think about it.
