I need to talk to someone but I don't even know what I want to talk about but I really really need to. I have a lot of problems and worries, mostly financial so there's no point talking about that. I think the thing that bothers me the most, other than this impossible situation that I'm in, is what would happen if my grandparents knew I was gay. I can't describe how sad and terrible that makes me feel because I'm almost certain they wouldn't love me anymore and they are the two people in the world that I love the most and I don't want them to stop loving me because of who I am and what I choose to do with my life. I don't feel very close to my parents (even though I live with them), it would still make me sad if they thought I was a freak or if anyone in my family thought that. They've known me all my life and just because I told them I was gay, something that I've always been, why should that change anything? But I know it would. Maybe they know that I'm different but they won't say anything because they're still hoping or expecting me to do what's 'right' and if I did that, it would never have to be mentioned. I feel so.. I don't even know what I feel exactly. My heart hurts but not physically and I just want to cry but I can't so my throat hurts as well. I hate it when this happens. I always get these feelings after I've had a really good time spending a day with my grandparents. I can't enjoy myself properly anymore because I keep thinking 'Would he still want me to be happy? Would he still love me unconditionally?' and 'Would she still talk to me the way she does now? Would we still have these amazing conversations? Would we still laugh at things together?'. I'm so scared their attitude would change and nothing would be the same between us.
Fear is a tough thing to conquer. Some of us on EC have been surprised at support from people we were unsure of. Others for better or worse got the response we expected. Often its the older generations like grandparents that chose love of grandchild over old beliefs. My parents are in their 70's and are 100% supportive.
As Rose27 has mentioned, it might surprise you how many people actually don't care about your sexual orientation and will be 100% supportive of you no matter what. We all, and I personally can relate to your situation. Fear is a natural response to the unknown, but sometimes our fear is the only thing between the unhappy and happy place. On the same note, grandparents are usually (and of course every situation will be different) more receptive to their grandchildren than they are to their children. I don't know what it is about the generation skip (but even genetically), but there is this closeness between every other generations in the family. Mine was not like that, but I sort of figured out my sexuality the hard way, separated myself from everyone, but in the end everyone was totally ok with what I was. I wish you all the best, and if you do need to talk, message. We've all been there.
Thank you for your replies. I really appreciate your help!! I wanted to reply earlier but at the last minute I had to leave.. here's what happened. I'm so sorry for the long post but please tell me what you think. I think I got my answer today. We've been down to the lake all day, my grandfather and my cousin were fishing (it's a bank holiday so my cousin wasn't at school), and my grandmother and I were just there, walking and chatting. This time, like everytime we talk, I've been trying to find a good way to bring up the topic of homosexuality, and I've finally succeeded. The two of us were sitting in a park/forest by the lake and were talking about deadlines, exam times, work etc. and I just said (I tried to be very casual throughout the whole conversation) 'I might have to borrow some money from my brother because I want to go to gay pride and I'll pay him back after I got the job but I can only go if I'm certain I've got it...' and she said 'don't go there. why would you want to?' and I asked why not and she said they are very distasteful and I said 'why? I'm not going to dress up' then she asked 'why would you go to that thing?' and I just said 'because I support them' and I think I left it at that. Later when we were sitting in the car while watching my cousin and grandfather trying to catch some fish, I asked her again why I shouldn't go to pride and I used the excuse that I was invited by someone and they want me to go.. she told me again what she thought of it... Then a bit later we were talking about random stuff and I brought it up again. I started by saying there's no one to vote for and that I definitely won't be voting for our current government or the christian party or the far right. And she said that 'no there isn't but our current gov. is the best choice out of all the others' and I told her who I'm voting for and she said I was being very stupid by voting for them. I told her my reason was that this party supported gay marriage and managed to legalize registered same sex partnerships. And she said.. well, she said lots of things about why there's nothing wrong with a christian political party and why she agrees with that... It's all a bit messy now looking back, but here are some of the things she said about gay people: 'I hope you don't want to become one of them.' 'I don't want to hear about their sexual deviancies.' 'They already have more rights than they deserve.' 'Don't get involved in their things (gay pride).' 'Marriage is between a man and a woman.' I'm sure there were a lot more but these were the ones I can recall now. It wasn't even what she said (although...) but how she said it. There is no doubt in my mind now, that she really despises gayness and.. me (if she knew). I think I can safely say the same for my grandfather as well. But she didn't seem any less warm, nice.. her attitude didn't chance towards me at all. Maybe because I didn't say it. Because you know, I think after all the things I've said to her, during these past months, she must have pieced them all together. So I know she knows, and she chooses to ignore it or she chooses to dismiss it as long as I don't say it. Other than these conversations, I've really had a good day and I always do when I'm with them but lately it's been bothering me a lot. That I'm gay and I want them to know, because I have to know if they'd love me all the same regardless of who I like. And this was the closest I could get to admitting it and... I don't even know what I'm so upset about. She wasn't angry with me but she was disgusted by the thought of homosexuality and the funny things is, whenever I mention same sex relationships, she immediately jumps to the sexual part of it as if that's all there is to it whereas me, I think of finally being able to love someone that I'm genuinely attracted to and not just the idea of them. I don't want them to be disgusted with me because I couldn't handle that. It's a huge part of me, it's who I am and they've seemed to love me unconditionally so far and I have absolutely no idea if that would change. I don't know if I should risk it and just say it. My problem is that I don't know what would happen. They might love me but not accept me. They might think I'm sick. They might think I don't know what I'm talking about. Actually, the last scenario is for some reason the one I think would happen. They might be even disappointed in me. If I know them as much as I think I do, they wouldn't be disgusted with me but they'd call me confused and say I'm being difficult or dramatic. I don't think they'd actually believe that I could be gay. They think only certain people are that way and that it's an illness and it's not normal, that it's an abnormal behaviour that you shouldn't embrace... This is why I know I should wait until I have a girlfriend and then tell them but I feel like I really have to know now because I know it and I have all these feelings and I think they might suspect it or they don't.. that's why I have to say something but I can't because I love them and I want them to continue loving me and there is a possibility that things between us would change. They might think I could corrupt my cousin, whom I always thought was very feminine and my grandmother thinks that too and they might say terrible things to me and I couldn't bear that but I can't stand not knowing. How would you go about it? How do I start a conversation like this? How can I explain to them that it is what I want and it feels natural to me, it always did and that I'm still the same person, I never changed but I needed them to know? Thanks for reading and I'm so sorry for the length. :/ ---------- Post added 20th May 2013 at 07:37 PM ---------- I envy you so much for that. Even though my grandparents are only 65, they would never accept me fully. At least I don't think they would. They definitely wouldn't agree with it because they probably think it's a lifestyle choice or illness. They don't go to church because my grandmother believes that you don't need a priest to have a connection with god, or something like that. Still, I don't think their views will ever change. If only they'd understand what being gay actually means and that you can't choose who you fall in love with...:icon_sad: ---------- Post added 20th May 2013 at 07:41 PM ---------- It's true that grandparents are more lenient(?) with their grandchildren than they were with their children but I think it's for only as long as you do everything they think you should do an be what they expect you to be.
I forgot to mention earlier that after having those conversations, whenever a woman walked/cycled past us, my grandmother kept looking at me, as if to gauge my reaction or to catch me looking at them. I, of course, made extra effort not to notice them at all.:icon_bigg Maybe I was just imagining things but I thought it was funny.
