NOW he gets depressed????

.... Sigh.... Try to be as supportive as you can, don't make him feel worse, and above all
Don't let the times bring you down

 

Sometimes I do wonder about that... Some people have been through hell when they were little and they're alive today. So if you survived all of that, why kill yourself now? But just be supportive, I've been depressed before and it's not pretty. He needs you to take care of him.

 

Who knows what it could be. Sometimes people bury things to seem happy and cheery as they go through therapy and that just carries on. Then something happens that brings everything to the surface and they crack under it all. It is like a damn breaking.

This could have happened to him. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong but it is a theory. The only thing you can do for him is to stay by his side, try to help him get rid of these thoughts and let him know you will always be there.

I hope everything gets better and these thoughts leave his head. I wish you good luck.

 

I am glad to hear that he's out of the coma!

I seem to recall from previous posters regarding this situation that recovery from a coma can be a difficult time psychologically.

You're doing the right thing by being at his side, I wish you courage and patience, and don't forget to take care of yourself too!

 

Well, from experience, I can say that when you are going through hell you enter survival mode and getting through that event becomes your one and only focus. After all the trauma is "finished", then comes the emotional/mental trauma.

 

Some people get depressed once their "emotional stamina" runs out. Nobody can be tough forever.

I'd make sure to tell him something like "You've seen life's ugly parts; now all that's left is the beauty." It might inspire him not to lose faith.

 

Depression isn't necessarily directly linked to "how things are going". My first depressive state happened when things were moving along (if not perfect), and the second happened when things were going excellently. If he hasn't seen somebody about his depressive state, he really should.

Lex

 

I guess you are right about that; it doesn't always make sense, and that fact might make the person feel worse. But in that case, actual doctors can help as much as any non-medical therapy.

 

If you want the relationship to work out, you could try this:

You should tell him that, even though he's been through a lot, he still lives up until this day. He has struggled, but fought for this. Hold his hand, look him deeply into the eyes. And tell him that you'll always be there for him, and that you are a very lucky person to have met him.

"You might be in a hospital bed now, but that's just a plain memory in the past from now on. You two can face the future together. Make him believe in you, as much as you believe in him. Take his worries away. Be kind and gentle.

I don't know if this helped, I don't think I could've done this myself. But at least give him a big warm hug and tell him it's going to be alright

 

I would recommend finding someone you trust and talking to them about how you're handling the way your partner is handling recovery. Depending on the extent of the depression I'd avoid the happy catchphrases people usually come out with, just listen to him and be as compassionate to the fact that it doesn't matter what he's been through previously as it is what is happening NOW that matters. Do not rely on him being sweet and jolly during the rehabilitation period, it takes a huge toll on an individuals wellbeing and (as others have said) depression is frequently observed in individuals recovering from a coma.

Have the medical staff explained the changes that can occur to an individuals personality during this period of time? As a worst case scenario you may be in for some very, very rough periods of time where the person you fell in love with seems a whole world away from the person you're with now. I know you have talked about him being your true love, but remember that this has the potential to be a very difficult period of time not only for your partner but for you. It is all well and good being compassionate and loving, but remember to treat yourself in the same way. He may enter some deep pits of depression and view the entire world in a very negative light, and that may include you. Make sure you have a good support network to help you through the hypothetical worst of times so that you are in the right place to be part of his support network.

Also it's good to remember that sometimes people can cope with all sorts of things, they get through life and it's pushed to the back of their mind as they smile sweetly and act with love. However it only takes one event to bring that world crumbling down, and it'll take time for them to build themselves back up into being the person you knew before the attack. Just be there for him, be compassionate, pay attention to what he is saying and make sure the medical staff who are aiding in his rehabilitation are aware of what is happening (they probably are, but they are also a great help in helping YOU deal with how your partner may have change during the rehabilitation process).

 

I'm so sorry, I first off wanted to say that your boyfriend is lucky to have found the person in you that he did. Tho it sounds like he is losing his will to want to be alive. I would speak to a psychologist and really see what you all can do to make him want to fight on and something or him to see results of a better day ahead rather than more pain and dispair. And I think you should speak with someone as well to keep your mental engine up and running that seems like such heartbreak and sadness and I mean where do you truly turn? I would say you have to try and I mean try to remain positive and be around people who give you love and support so you can be charged up to give it to your boyfriend. Love is a powerful energy in life but so isn't all the negativity around. Please remain strong and do what you need to heal yourself as well. Remember you can only do the best you can always but you have to take care of yourself as well! My only undereducated advice is to try to show your boyfriend great things are right here right now that he doesn't want to give up on, we all sometimes want to lose our lives from the pain, but for as many things that go wrong there are reasons why we still fight on and we still live. But he needs to see that and very soon, for his own well being. Please fight on and find peace

 

It is very, very difficult. Even when someone is mute and withdrawing from the world just be there with an open mind, let the reality of the situation sink in. Withdrawing is natural, he has been through a life changing event and however strong he is he needs to do everything in his own time. Once his friend has arrived and they've spent time together you'll probably have a better idea of whether he'll benefit from going with his friend. Let his reactions guide your responses, and if he's unresponsive then just keep being there for him as best as you are able, for as long as you are able.

While your parents are involved too those discussions which end in hugging are valuable (which I'm sure you know), but I do agree that professional help may be of benefit for you. You're low, and sometimes all the love in the world can't stop you needing to take a step back and breathing away from a situation. The whole relationship has been a coaster; falling in love, moving in together, the unfortunate circumstances surrounding his coma, and now his rehabilitation. It's a lot for someone to take in, and a lot for the mind to process. If you discuss him going with his friend, just for a little while, and he is positive about that, then he cannot hate you for letting him know that it's an option and allowing him to make a decision. He obviously finds being with his friend beneficial, by giving him the choice to go with her to recover in an environment he finds soothing you are not doing anything wrong.

Try not to think about how he used to be, try not to compare his current state with what you know he has been through before. This change only occurred a few days ago, and is often a natural part of coming to terms with life changing events; listen to the doctors, be patient and try to remember that regardless of what he has been through before what he's going through now is affecting him and it is this moment you have to support him through. Sure remember how he was, remember how he has pulled through difficult situations before, but keep in mind that the past is the past and right now he needs you to be there for who he is right now.

Try not to think about doing things he'll hate you for; do what is right for you and for him. The difficulties associated with supporting a partner through rehabilitation post-coma are partly why many end up leaving their partners, but there again that is due to a lack of support and stretching themselves too far. It is not deserting your partner to have a break when you know he will be loved and looked after, it is being sensible and making sure you are not draining yourself too much.

Do you have friends who can support you, or anyone outside of your parents?

 

It might be a good idea to simply lay your cards on the table for him. "I think it'd be a great idea for you to get away for a bit. I'd love to go with you two, but with as much time as I've taken off recently, I don't think it'd be smart for me to take off yet again."

Well, no offense meant, but if he's in the condition you describe, he doesn't exactly sound like he's cut out for glitter and glamour at the moment. Going off with his female friend will probably give him more of a taste of that, of course, but he hardly sounds like he's ready for a heavy dose of the night life. So I'd simply accept what he said about taking the simple life at face value for the moment.

Taking the longview, there's nothing that says you can't do both. My partner was a huge movie fan before we met...and even though I'm not a movie person at all, he's still a movie person. He just goes out with his movie-loving friends whenever there's a movie he wants to see. And I don't see any reason why he can't go out to the glitz and glamour on occasion (either with you or without you)...and then come home to a quiet night with you the rest of the week.

That's for another day. It sounds like he's in pretty good hands where he is, so just continue to be there for him, and let him know he can discuss anything with you. Best of luck to you both.

Lex

 

It's the nature of the beast. I have a lot of anxiety issues, and when I was younger and kind of unaware of how to handle it, I always thought it was so weird this I wasn't super anxious when the going was tough, but I was all anxious and stuff when things were fine. I think it's just how it happens!

You need to be there, but you also need to make sure you're protected, too. Too often, the care givers give up helping themselves and it just turns out to be a big old mess.