Hi everyone, I am pretty new here, so thanks for reading my post and sharing any wisdom you have. I am not sure where to start really. I have known for a long time that I am attracted to women, and have come out, over the years, to various friends and family members (I am 22 now). However, I am an extremely sensitive person struggling with anxiety and depression. I have always dated men because of being too scared to admit my unconventional attraction to myself. I fall in love with these men and am currently with one now. We have a wonderful relationship and he knows about my sexuality. Maybe the sex is not the most intense, but I enjoy it anyway. Being with him really feels right to me. For that reason I guess I would call myself bisexual with a leaning towards lesbianism. The problem is I cannot stop obsessing about my attraction towards women. It makes me feel uncomfortable, conflicted and distressed on a chronic basis. I am often distracted by the thought that I am lying, that I am not facing who I am, and that I am a bad person. I feel like I would be happier if there were no label for homosexuality and I were just "left" to live a heteronormative life. I realize this may sound very counterproductive, but I am happy in my life except for my gnawing, obsessive guilt. I don't want to hear that I have to leave my boyfriend to be fully happy but maybe I am letting fear govern me. Does this situation sound familiar to anyone? I feel deeply sad and obsessed... if anyone has any advice on coping with depression or anxiety generally, or notes of wisdom relating to this specific situation, please share- but keep in mind that I am fragile, and might not be ready to for a full reality check just yet. Maybe first to manage my sadness. Thank you for your help! Ellie. As an afterthought, I should mention that I have spent time in therapy, am on antidepressants, meditate regularly and try to exercise. I am also willing to concentrate more energy on one of these tactics if you recommend it!
Just remember that we`re not professional therapists here. If you have spent time in therapy, you might not have had the right therapist or the right kind of therapy. Ever tried Cognitive Therapy? It helped me a lot. It`s different from standard "talking therapy", in that the therapist actively tries to help out sort out why we feel the way we feel, and how to counter the processes that are making us feel bad. We have to understand how we think, to know why we feel the way we do sometimes. In any case, I would very much recommend that, if it`s possible for you. If you are happy in your relationship, why are you feeling so guilty? And what are you feeling guilty about? Your attraction to women is not hurting your BF, unless you are actively cheating on him. We can control our actions, but not who we are attracted to. And it`s natural to notice other attractive things even when we are in a relationship. Acknowledging that something is attractive does not mean we have to pursue it. Whether a woman or a waterfall, you do nothing wrong by noticing it`s nice to look at. There`s nothing to feel guilty about. So, I would try to root out why you feel guilty over this, and find ways to counter it. And if your boyfriend knows about your attraction to women, then you`re not lying to him. Who are you lying to, that would make you feel like a liar? The only reason I can see for you being this scared, is if a part of you are thinking that you might have to "`fess up" one day, to who your really are, and that you going for what would make you happy will ruin your relationship and possibly hurt him. The thing is, maybe in 2-3 years, you`ll want a different relationship, but whether straight or lesbian, that risk is always there. Even in a completely hetero-normative couplings, chances are that one day one of the parties will meet someone else, the relationship will sour, or something else will happen. It can happen to the most devoted couple, there are no guarantees in love, and that`s not something to feel guilty about. Actually, divorce statistics prove that straight couples break up and hurt each other all the time, for completely different reasons than sexuality. So if I were you, I would try therapy again. I would also try to sort out that guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Your sexuality is completely out of your control, and you didn`t ask for it. And your relationship might last, or not last, but if the both of you are happy right now, that`s what matters, right? Because we never have any guarantee! Welcome to EC
Thank you for your reply FemCasanova! You look like you have come a long way yourself, through therapy into being totally open about who you are. That inspires me and gives me hope for my future. I tend to have a lot of shame and guilt about many things, and tend to overreact in many situations. I don't like to need outside validation, but sometimes it is necessary just to begin to accept yourself. We are social creatures after all and I worry constantly about the approval of others (I know it ain't good!) What I mean to say is that your words are very helpful and encouraging. It is people like you who post selflessly that make the world a better place. All the best, Ellie
