I'm sitting here with a huge headache, wanting to cry so bad, and thinking about how shitty my life is. All I want to do is give up, because I can't do a single thing. I want to lose weight, and I want to get better at art, and I want to learn a bunch of things. But I have no patience or emotional capacity for it. Every morning I think to myself "I should go to the gym," but I don't go. Every time I try to draw, I throw crumpled papers at the wall. And you know what it does? It throws me into emotional turmoil. It makes me think of all the bad things that have happened to me, all the bad things happening to me, and all the bad things that might happen to me. It makes me think about my deceased parents, about my lonely, depressed grandfather, and my innocent childhood. It makes me think about my lack of any talent or skill, my inability to get a boyfriend, and my ugly body. It makes me think about suicide. I have no one around to tell me "it's okay" every step of the way. I'm all on my own, and I just can't do it by myself. And what makes me the saddest is that I never thought it would come to this. I never thought I would feel so fucking depressed that I would actually consider suicide. Of all fucking things. I told myself, if things don't go my way in ten years, I'll end it. It's only been roughly a year since I said that, and now I'm hard pressed to end it sooner. And I really hate being on this website. Every time I ask for help, I usually get one or two replies. If any at all. It's such a big wall of text now, who would bother? If it were any shorter, I wouldn't have gotten my point across. And you know, I was almost tempted to make a post outright asking how to kill myself. There's nothing left for me at this point. Just my three friends and my grandfather and brother. And I'm sure they could do just fine without me... except maybe my grandfather. But ya'know, it's okay. I'll feel fine soon. I'll just go back to feeling shitty again though. It always happens.
(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) These are for you, I have been where you are & believe me when I say "It does get better" are there any LGBT groups in your area where you can talk to someone face to face? You seem close to you Grandfather can you talk to him? When you feel depressed, you tend to not feel too motivated & this stops you wanting to do exercise which can be beneficial, try something simple first like walking for 20 Mins This was my post earlier http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/94049-suicide.html
I can run 3 miles without stopping. The problem is that I have no motivation for it. And no, I don't think there are an LGBT groups. It's got nothing to do with being gay anyways. I'd talk to my grandpa, but that's too awkward. I talk to my therapist almost every week, and it doesn't really help at all. ---------- Post added 21st May 2013 at 03:18 AM ---------- And, not to be hostile, but how do you know it'll get better? Just because it got better for you doesn't mean it will for me... How do you know I won't go a lifetime of depression just thinking it will get better?
I just want to hug you and I know how you feel.....sort of I am sure its different for me but I have been feeling depressed for the majority of my life and I wish I could make you feel better I really do. but with the art problem if you listen to music while drawing it helps put you in the right mood for what you want to draw and don't worry about getting better with your art the more you draw the better you get. and if you want to exercise you could bike plus it could help relieve some stress. I hope you get to feeling better soon and if you want we could talk but I doubt you would want to talk to me but we could though
Hi, I get it that you are very depressed and I would like to repeat the cliche about suicide "It is never an answer! It will never solve your problem." I would like to give you part of my story. Please let me: Would you like your problems to go unfinished? Think about the opportunities you might miss when you give up! Be challenged about things that do not go your way and strive harder to make it go your way or at least something like it. Let the things that does not go your way be your motivation in doing things. You're still on the edge of nineteen, yes I know that I am still seventeen and do not know much about anything but I have been on the way of depression too. I also do not like my body and I want to go the gym but I have no pal to go with me, once I was invited but I rejected his offer so I ended up not going to the gym. For years I always envied the kids who have a lot of friends that they can hang out with anything every time and the kids that are able to go to the gym and have buffed up bodies but hey, I made it to the point that not going to the gym is funny for me, that way, I do not feel bad about myself. I do not have a lot of friends in high school mostly because I was bullied by my classmates with that, I became introverted and cynical but even that is not going to stop me from continuing to live my life. When I know I am lame at something, I practice very hard to at least be good at it and when I am good at it, I try to be better then best. I sometimes envy those people who gets praised about how good they are at something and I also want to get praised too, which nobody around me knows, that sucks, right? The very thought about being lame at something is my motivation. :: If you want to talk about anything, you can wall me. I will always reply. Just that, if you like talking to me though. xD I hope it will get better for you soon.
I'm sorry for being so ungrateful, but none of that really helps me. I mean, I'm grateful you care, but it doesn't help me get over any of my problems. I was raised believing everyone had at least one talent, and yet here I am, proving them wrong. My self image is the worst it's been in a long time, I'm slowly losing whatever ability to draw I had since I can't motivate myself to draw, I get jealous of the simplest things, and so many other things. I recently downloaded this polling app, and ended up finding a rate me category. I didn't think I was too ugly, so I figured maybe I could get myself a confidence booster. I posted a pictured and waited. It's been to days and the majority of voters chose to vote "ew no." My friend doesn't exactly deny my being ugly either. When I try to draw, I'm basically condemning myself to a terrible day. It doesn't matter if I'm listening to music or not. On top of that, an artist can't afford to draw only when he or she is in the mood for it. An artist must draw whenever it's required of them in order to make a living out of it. I can't even draw when I'm more than in the mood for it. You know how it starts? I draw a circle guideline for the head, then once the shape is down I get upset over the hair or the eyes. If I'm lucky enough to get farther than that, and actually finish the drawing, I look at it like it's the worst thing I've ever made. And people do give me praise, sometimes, but it's never for anything I liked. Only for stuff I made in school that I despised. So how the earthly hell am I suppose to get a job when I suck at what I want to do? I've tried, I really have. There's nothing else I can see myself doing. I've had no luck in my life getting a boyfriend. I brought a girl to high school homecoming once, but I hated it, and she only said yes because no one else was going to ask her. And you know, I wouldn't exactly be so upset about this if I was good looking or if I hadn't made attempts to find a boyfriend... but I have, and that's why it upsets me. I've joined so many dating websites hoping to find a boyfriend, and each guy I've sent messages to has never once responded. Only one guy has, and I'm pretty sure he was just being nice. He never responded to my last one. The only guys who ever message me are older men who probably only ask me because they think I'm the only teenager who would say yes to them. Sorry.
Consider this your Whitman's sampler of advice. Try this, try that, skip over anything you don't feel like trying. There's no magical formula for this, I'm afraid. You can either motivate yourself or you can't. But it sounds like you're in a cycle of de-motivation. If only things were going better, you'd be more motivated to do something. But you're not, so you're not, which further de-motivates you into not doing anything... There may or may not be some magical formula out of it, but the best you can do is try to force yourself along. Set an alarm on your phone to go off every day at Xpm, at which point you get your running clothes on, and away you go. No exceptions. Every evening, draw something before you go to bed. Doesn't matter if it's good or not, so long as it's done. A lot of us are dealt a less-than-perfect hand. Some of us are dealt pretty crappy ones. But that's your starting point, not your finishing one. It's at this point that you start figuring out what you can do with what you've been given. And it seems everybody can accomplish something. No, we won't all win beauty pageants, and we won't all retire at 35 with millions in the bank. But you've got a lifetime to fill with stuff. So start filling it as positively as you can (see below). Then that's what we're here for. It IS okay. It might suck right now, and other aspects of your life might suck for longer periods of time, and some aspects might only change its varying degrees of suckitude. But overall, IT'S OKAY. Life doesn't start once the problems go away. Life IS problems. More specifically, life is you dealing with your problems. Life can and does kick ass even as you deal with huge problems. And the more you deal with your problems, the better you get at dealing with them, and the more life kicks ass. You might have noticed that teens and young adults seem to struggle mightily against (what might appear to an outsider as) relatively minor things, whereas older folks seem to handle larger problems with aplomb. Reason? Practice. They've gotten used to handling stuff. If you've played video games, you know when you first play, you stumble over the earliest bad guys simply because you're not familiar with the controls and "how it all works"...but later on, you're taking on the big bosses with confidence. Same idea. Does your therapist know this? Because if you're seeing a therapist and you're still in this spot, something's majorly wrong somewhere. Either you're simply not getting the help you need, or your depression goes deeper than "being in a bad place". If your therapist doesn't know you're contemplating suicide and thinking that nothing is getting better, then he needs to be made aware of this immediately. And if he doesn't seem to think it's any big deal, I'd say it's time to switch therapists. I don't. But the number of people who have crawled out of depression far outweigh those who remain mired within. Even those who are severely depressed usually manage to get to a point where it's much more bearable, even if it never completely goes away. This is a tough one, but hear me out. Going shopping for a boyfriend isn't like shopping for a T-shirt or a car. It's a two-way street. You're not just looking to buy, but you're looking to sell. And right now - no offense meant - you're a lousy salesman. You think you're ugly, and you think you have nothing to offer yourself or anybody else. And not surprisingly, nobody is interested. If I put an ad in the paper announcing "I've got a car for sale that isn't worth anything, doesn't start, and probably isn't worth anything"...well, the only people who would express interest would be those who would be looking to "part the car out". It's sort of a Catch 22 when it comes to dating and self-esteem. It's easy to think "If I had a boyfriend who loved me, then that would help my self-esteem". And yes, that can happen. But most guys with very low self-esteem who look for a boyfriend tend to end up disappointed, because they feel they're not worth anything...which the other guys tend to pick up on. That's why my advice to you is the same as the advice I give other guys in your position. Put aside the boyfriend search for now. Work on loving yourself first. If you can't love yourself, nobody else will want to, either. And no - that's not something that comes just from saying so. It takes work. But the work is infinitely worthwhile. I could start a list of all my negative attributes. I'm old, I'm round, I'm hairy, I'm unattractive, I'm clumsy, I'm prone to moods, etc etc. But you know what? I've learned to love Lex. No, I'm not perfect - not anywhere close. But I don't befriend perfect people. I befriend people I like. My friends have faults and negative traits, but I like them anyway. And similarly, I've learned to love myself despite my age and weight and all the rest. And think of what that means. It means I'm always around somebody I like. It means I don't hate what I see in the mirror. Do I wish I were hotter and skinnier and everything else? You bet. But I accept that I'm not. I'm cool with my limitations. When I scribble a cartoon gorilla on a piece of paper, I realize that a good chunk of people will think it's a dog or a butterfly. But I still enjoyed drawing it, and so I'll keep drawing the damn things. And here's the thing. Other people pick up on this. People have befriended me based on it. Guys started hitting on me. Not because they had a thing for old hairy guys, but because they liked the vibe I put out. A positive fun vibe that they found appealing. Again, it's not as simple as "look on the bright side" or "decide to like yourself". It does take work. It's a process. But it's an infinitely rewarding one. And it sounds like you perhaps need it more than anything else right now. Lex
But I find no joy in messing up over and over again! It's not like video games where once you lose you can just start over. Video games are fun, and I'm always good at them and it's fun along the way. If there's no fun along the way in working out or drawing, how am I suppose to just keep going? And no, my therapist doesn't know. When I walk out of therapy, I look out the window at the sun thinking everything will be okay, but it never turns out like that. How come I can't feel like that all the time? And I really have to thank you. You did turn my mind a bit. It did make me think a little bit and I'm going to try forcing myself to run tomorrow. The drawing will never happen though. I'll just throw it at the wall again and be unable to sleep since I'll be too depressed. I do want to disagree with you about the boyfriend thing, though. I'm friends with my entire class in college. At the beginning of college, I was quiet and apathetic and sad. No one talked to me, and they all assumed it was because I was just a quiet kid. I met two really outgoing, fun girls and I suddenly opened up and the whole class started loving me. I'm loud and random and totally weird. And that's how I am around all my friends. None of them knew I had a poor self-image or anything until I told them. So if they couldn't know until I told them, what suddenly gives gay men the ability to tell that I'm depressed and suicidal with a terrible self-esteem? So no, I don't think my low self-esteem has anything to do with it. And most importantly, if my self-esteem did have anything to do with it, why would I want to date some asshole who won't date me just because I'm sad?
It can frustrating when you're stuck in the same spot for too long. And that's when you get some help. Which you're ostensibly getting. However... Why on earth not? Isn't that why you're seeing a therapist? To try to get on top of these feelings? If he doesn't know what's wrong, or to what degree, he's going to have a hard time making it better. Why not tell your therapist what you've told us? Print out this whole thread and hand it to him if you'd like. I think you're at the spot on dating sites where you original were with your schoolmates. When you were quiet and apathetic and sad, and so everyone thought you were "just a quiet kid". My guess is you're coming across in a similar way on the dating sites. Well, there's a difference between "sad" and what you're going through now. You're not in a mild funk, or a bit weepy because of a quick temporary situation. You're going through a bunch of stuff right now, and I think it prudent o focus on getting yourself to a better spot before continuing the search. Lex
I've told my therapist everything I've told you guys. She knows it all. Everything except the suicidal part. And I have to disagree again. It's a dating app. I said hello to a few guys and they didn't respond. How do you sense if someone is depressed when they say hello through a text? I talked to one handsome, really sweet guy for a few days, but he just stopped talking to me. Probably because he didn't want anything more than a friendship with me, and he could probably tell that I did want more than a friendship. And I think it's funny, because I'm almost 75% sure that getting a boyfriend that I fell in love with would solve all my motivation-related problems.
Ur gonna get a bf I had one and made a Terrrible mistake letting him go ,I should've held on bc I miss him so much now . I'm the same way but not sucidal,not that much ,bc I realized I love myself and screw those ppl who bullied me screw them, and I agree with lex,just try ppl have many traits I like whether they're ugly or not . Some ppl I dont befriend bc I'm cautious . L'll give u examples okay ? starting with Grey's anatomy 1.Derek shepherd -good traits :smart,funny ,kind,humility ,bad traits :arrogant,big ego,is a jerk and kinda player until Meredith . 2.Cristina yang - good traits :focused ,confident ,strong ,passionate . Bad traits :ego,arrogance , a shark. 3.Mark Sloan - :good traits :smart,funny , caring , gives good advice ,is a very good listener. Bad traits :sleeps around ,arrogant , bad attending . 4.George o'malley - good traits :smart ,quick on his feet, caring ,kind ,never gives up. Bad traits :cheater , has sex a lot after his dad died ,impulsive at times . 5. Owen hunt <3 good traits : mature ,good hearted ,smart ,caring . Bad traits ,cheater ,hot headed ,PTSD . 6. Addison Montgomery - good traits :smart ,independent ,gives advice . Bad traits :can be a bitch at times ,cheater . 7.Arizona Robbins- good traits : smart ,funny,energetic . Bad traits :cheater ,player,arrogant ,doesn't think b4 she speaks . 8.Miranda bailey - good traits :strong, independent, smart ,kind, gives good advice .bad traits : loud,doesn't mind her own business . 9Alex karev -good traits : sensitive ,kind,smart . Bad traits :an ass ,arrogant ,sex addict ,hot headed. 10.Izzie Stevens - good traits -smart ,works hard ,passionate ,kind to her patients. Bad traits :sex addict ,kind of acts like a bitch . 11.Jackson Avery -good traits rotective , smart, quick on his feet . Bad traits : he's an ass,hot headed,sex addict . 12.Meredith grey - good hearted ,smart ,passionate ,funny ,mature. Bad traits :sleeps around ,a lil ego, indecisive . 13.Richard webber - good traits : excellent doctor , smart,tries hard to not make mistakes ,cares for Adele . Bad traits :a shark ,cheater,alcoholic ,impulsive at times. 14.April Kepner - good traits :tries to be celibate ,tries to be a good doctor ,kind ,nice ,open minded . Bad traits: impulsive , gets distracted . 15.Lexie Grey - good traits :nice,caring,smart ,open minded at times .bad traits : doesn't listen ,impulsive . 16.Preston Burke good traits :smart ,excellent surgeon ,has a way with patients And is mature Bad traits :god complex, cocky, never gives a damn to anyone but himself . These are just examples ,point I'm trying to make is. Never give up bc life is there waiting for u to taste it and live it. Everyone has his or her bad and good traits ,most aren't cute except to one person . Live ur life ,try new things , enjoy ur life ,be humble, do good deeds do the right thing . With time u will have a awesome person whether ur person is boy or grl good luck to u plz don't do anything that can cause u harm (*hug*)(*hug*)
Tabb-- I think you're getting some great advice here. I'm going to add my two cents--please forgive me if I end up repeating something someone else has already said: 1. Tell you therapist about your suicidal thoughts--as soon as possible. 2. Are you on anti-depressants? I didn't see anything about drugs in the posts (but perhaps overlooked it). I'm not one to instantly run to the pharmaceutical route, but they saved my life, quite literally. I have the scars to prove it. Used correctly, they can help you a great deal. Depression, while it can be aggravated by environmental factors, is essentially a chemical issue. Drugs won't make your problems go away, but it will greatly increase your capacity to deal with them. Please, please, please talk to your therapist about your suicidal thoughts and ask about anti-depressants. --Zoe
I refuse to tell my therapist anything about that. I'm not stirring up trouble. And yes. I was taking anti depressants but they do buggerall. Stopped taking them.
This right here is the crux of the problem. You're looking outside yourself to solve your problems. I can tell you with certainty that I HAVE seen people in your situation get into relationships. But I can also tell you that they're very often disastrous ones. Why? Because the vetting process gets removed. They start thinking "Any relationship is better than being alone", and frankly, that's not the case. They end up matching up with somebody unsuitable, and often with somebody who causes them more damage than good. The proper mindset is "It's never a good time for a bad relationship, but it's never a bad time for a good one." OK, I give up - why are you seeing your therapist? When I go to see my doctor, I don't withhold my symptoms from her. I don't think "Well, it's none of her damn business about the chest pains" or "I don't feel like telling her about the soreness in my back". I don't listen as she tells me to do these exercises and avoid this other stuff, and then go home and skip the exercises and do all that other stuff. I don't skip the prescription she writes up for me. And if I did all that, I certainly wouldn't go back to her for the next appointment expecting anything to have changed. You're presumably seeing your therapist trying to get on top of things. And you're sabotaging the process by not telling her all your thoughts, and not taking the anti-depressants. That doesn't mean you should be forced to take them against your will - it's your choice. But you should tell your therapist that. "I've decided I'd rather not take anti-depressants, even if it means the recovery process might be slower and more difficult." Or if the anti-depressants weren't helping, again, you should tell your therapist that. Maybe they take time to take effect. I had to take mine for two weeks before I felt any effect at all - that's often how they work. The brain is a massively complex organ, and not something that can just be pushed back into place. It has to be nudged gently in one direction or another. And anti-depressants are still an inexact science - some might work for some people and some might not. Again, your therapist needs the feedback on that. "I took them for a week/month/year, and literally wasn't feeling any different." Fine - you know those don't work, so maybe it's time to try another one. Or try a different path altogether. But so long as your therapist thinks things are working (and that you're not feeling suicidal), she's going to assume you're on the right track. It's up to you to let her know that you're not. Lex
I never said I was going to let myself date some asshole just because I want a boyfriend. I have standards. I'm seeing my therapist for depression. I've told you, she knows everything I tell you guys here. She knows my anti depressants suck, she knows I hate myself for being unable to draw, she knows it all. All she doesn't know is that I want to end it. She doesn't need to know that. Then she'll get my family involved, and I don't want that. And none if it's helping. It's not just the anti-depressants. ---------- Post added 22nd May 2013 at 12:49 PM ---------- She told me two weeks ago to draw for thirty minutes. Just thirty minutes. And I can't fucking do it. As soon as I start, I already hate it. I know it's gonna turn out terrible, and it ruins the fun of it.
Then I guess we'll have to part ways here. You obviously have a better handle on this than I do, so I'll just wish you the best with it. Lex
