Nothing is as it should be.

This might work, it might not; you might have not tried it yet, or you might have already done it.
But, try taking a a whole day to yourself, if possible with school/job. I know some people prescribe a long personal journey, but overanalysing yourself in attempt to "find our your true self" hurts more than it helps. So.. the point of the day is to relax. Put brain on standby.
Also, you're of age; do you frequent night clubs / bars ? I'm not suggesting alcohol as a solution; just getting into a different environment and doing something you usually don't do is refreshing. You don't need to take a drink at all while in the club. (Haven't done this personally, though my older cousin- ella viva cerca de Barcelona =) - has gone to get herself out of a ditch, and get motivated).
Last thing I might add is about the motivation. Again, everybody is motivated in different ways. Playing a sport, biking, or running until you're tired and sore gives me something to be proud of. After the initial exhaustion from a race faded, my team and I would have this afterglow, and be in a good mood for the rest of the day.
Ultimately, it won't change the course of your life; but it can provide a solution in that you start being motivated and hopeful. Good luck, wish you well

 

Would you look at that...story of my life, except it made me suicidal for a period of time (not excessive though).

I don't have a solution unfortunately. I've got no friends and been alone for a good 5 years. You can survive alone for a while, but loneliness will eventually catch up to you. There's one thing I learned from all of this though, albeit too late, is that part of the reason why my connection to others felt hollow, was that I didn't try enough. I've always sort of kept my distance from them, even if they were sitting next to me. I've never quite let them close to me on an emotional level, and as a result of this, they've all gradually disappeared before I could notice and figure out why.

I've been working more on myself as of late, considering my trust issues, and knowing that I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I feel like I want to make friends again and try to open up to them more. I've really got nothing to lose at this stage. It's definitively not my main purpose in life, but it's a goal I've set for myself.

 

I'll just say this sort of sounds like my first round of depression. I didn't feel "depressed" necessarily, but I felt like I was in some sort of...play? or movie? Where I felt like everything I did was sort of prescribed and not anything I really wanted to do. Where the people I dealt with every day were simply there to fulfill their roles - my co-workers, my friends, everything. And I had this vague sense of...well, the word I used for it was "despair". It wasn't just that things weren't going well. (They were OK, if not great.) It's that every other possible reality I could think of wasn't any better. That even if I had a great job, and had a lot of money, and a lot of friends, and a wonderful boyfriend...I'd still feel disconnected and unhappy, and none of it would matter.

Lex

 

At least you talked yourself out of suicide through maturity, I did it with a pretty cryptic reason. :lol:

It's the same for me, I did try with my friends, but like you, I never let them close to me. I've always had trust issues because of past experience, plus I had my sexuality confusing the hell out of me, so I've always had my guard up even around people I had been friends with for 10 years.

When I say that I'm working on myself, I'm mostly referring to try and work out my fears and worries to try and get rid of my trust issues. It's really what it all boils down to, and why I can't let anyone close to me, and can't let myself get close to anybody either. The best way to start for me was to try and figure out the source of my issues, and work from there. My trust issues isn't the only problem I have though, and I probably should've went to see a psychologist or psychiatrist years ago, but I've got other fears attached to how my brain functions so I didn't want to let them in my brain out of fear that I'd lose certain things I've come to rely on too much. I've been my own psychologist in a way, not something I'd recommend to anybody though. At least I've managed some improvements.

In my case it made me feel completely detached from the rest of the world, sort of as an attempt to completely shield myself from any possible bad events from happening to me again. I eventually sort of started comparing myself to an "Observer" or "Spectator". Just a massive disconnect, I'd watch the world burn like someone would watch something on TV with no emotional reaction. I couldn't care less, and I'm actually still a bit like this nowadays. Someone could probably say one of the most awful thing in the world to me, and it wouldn't phase me. There has, so far, only been one thing that I've really cared about, and one that bothered me enough to get some form of strong reaction from me: Knowledge and Ignorance. That's also part of the reason why I compared myself to an Observer. All I really cared about since I hold no affection towards the rest of the world is "What can I learn from it?", and so I've been watching. Knowledge is the only thing I've been able to cling to to remain sane.

I'm not fully out of this yet, but I'm trying to observe less, and participate more. There are just so many things that can't be learn from observation, but must be learned from experience. Participating also implies interacting with the rest of the world again.

 

If anything, I've made most of my progress after I came out completely. Being closeted wasn't the source of my issue, but coming out has brought a certain wave of thoughts and options that I would otherwise have blocked entirely had I remained closeted, and it's sort of become the driving force that has made me want to change, and also reevaluate a significant part of my upbringing. I've acquired a much better grasp on my situation within these last 3 months since I've accepted I was gay, then in those 5 years I've spent alone trying to figure who I was.

(Oh, and thanks for the friend invite!)

 

All I can do is give you a bit of Dublin Boy Love & say that what you need is a Holiday
well I think they call it a bus mans holiday Lol in other words you need to be back in Ireland, being back on Irish soil will do you the world of good, there is no place like home as Dorothy would say & JPC needs to be in Eire (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

 

I had two bouts of depression, similar but different. The first one I toughed out more or less on my own, although I saw a psychiatrist two times to work on "coping skills". For the second one, I went to the doctor and went on a mild anti-depressant. And I won't lie - the second round was much easier. The pills didn't "zombify" me or anything. It just finally enabled me to think of positive things when I wanted to, instead of being stuck in negativeland from the moment I woke up.

I won't get into a lengthy discussion of the coping skills, since they do tend to be fairly individual, and you'll have to find what works for you. But I'll give you two of the most basic ones that worked for me.

Shake things up. Within your budget and lifestyle, see what you can change, and change as much as possible. You don't need to move to another country or anything. Even small changes are enough if you do enough of them.

Take a new way to work/school.
If you usually drive, try biking.
If you usually buy lunch, try bringing one in.
If you usually have a sandwich, try a salad.
If you usually watch TV at night, try reading or writing or video games.
If you usually read fiction, try non-fiction.
If you usually play first-person shooters, try puzzle games.
If you usually listen to pop, try jazz or classical or rock.
Rearrange the furniture in your room.

Keep trying new things. It gives your brain new input, and gives it something to focus on besides "those things you've been obsessing over".

Volunteer. See if you can find a place to volunteer once or twice a week. This again will give your brain something new to focus on, but it also will give you somebody else's problems to work on for a while, and give you more of a "sense of purpose". You may need to nose around to find a place you'd feel comfortable. I've volunteered with food banks, and helping teens and adults get their high-school-equivalency diploma. But that's just what worked for me - maybe an animal shelter or something would be better for you. Give it some thought.

Lex