Funeral...

People process things differently. When my relatives passed on, I really never thought much of it at that moment of time. However, it would hit me months later. I think it's partly the reason of why I have such crazy anxiety.

Just make sure you find outlets (that are healthy!) for whatever you are feeling.

On a side note...I know it was your cousin, but it sounds like you didn't really know him that well. If someone called me and said my cousin (say, on my dad's side..because we don't really talk to them) died, I'd probably feel bad..but I didn't know them. If one of my best friends parents died, then I'd be devastated.. know what I mean? It all depends on the person!

 

Everybody reacts different. I do the same I can't help but to smile its weird. Ill talk about my past horrible and ill smile and laugh as I talk about it. Or if I tell somebody extreme bad news I smile its just a reaction I ways have to apologize.

 

I really don't think you smiling when you heard what happened means you were actually happy about his death, and that you should think you are a monster. Death is a very difficult topic for the human mind to react to, it's the one great unknown out there, filled with questions none of us will get the answers to, until it comes to us too. And a lot of people will laugh or smile almost involuntarily as a nervous twitch in response to situations we're not sure how to react to.

In many cases, it might be because we don't want to even think about or recognize the bleak reality of the situation, especially the death of someone so young, so we laugh it off and keep those negative thoughts out of minds.

I don't know exactly what you meant by relief, but 3 years ago, when my grandfather passed away, I had a similar feeling. While I definitely didn't smile, as someone who constantly lives in fear of loss, I did actually feel a slight hint of relief after he died, as when he was alive I spent so much time fearing when that day would come and thinking about how I would ever be able to go on without him that, once the day came, I just said what's done is done, he can't be taken away again. A broken window can't be broken again. One less death in the future I have to live in fear of- and everyone eventually has to succumb to death. Now I don't know if this is the same reason why you felt 'relief', but I know I felt ashamed of these thoughts at first, until I realized it was pretty much just my own mind in denial trying to rationalize away just how devastated I actually was.

Perhaps your own subconscious mind was just trying to convince you weren't bothered by what had happened, because you weren't yet ready to process all the feelings of anger and sadness that you said came later.

Sometimes we just pretend we aren't bothered by something because we don't want to have to confront our painful true feelings.

 

Despite what you might hear, there isn't any "correct" way to process death. I get rather robotic and process things pretty quickly. When my mother called me to let me know my grandmother (her mother) had died, we talked about it extremely factually. I remember asking her "How are you doing?" and she responded "I'm doing pretty well under the circumstances", and we just kept talking. It's not like we didn't care - we loved her like crazy - but anyone listening in would've thought we were talking about a near-stranger.

Lex

 

Everyone reacts differently. My cousin was murdered in Africa last year ... And I just buried it and have yet to react ...

I am sorry about your cousin, sounds incredibly awful for you and your family.

 

Yeah, like everyone says, don`t feel like a monster for dealing with funerals and death differently than some. My sister and I react very differently to these things. She shuts down, and probably looks like she doesn`t give a damned, I cry my eyes out and break down. We react differently, but we both care. It`s just the way it is. I`ve even heard of people laughing hysterically at funerals, people deal differently. So don`t feel bad about it. Just deal with it your way and it`ll be fine.

Sorry about your loss, and hope your family recovers as well as possible *hugs*

 

Everyone handles death differently. My initial reaction is always to cry. Then shut down. I had to console my mother with the last death we dealt with and I was terrible at it. I only made her cry more. I've learned all you can do is accept how you handle it and try to make the best of it. Go through all the emotions you have to go through. Do what you can. Grief does crazy things to people..

 

I agree my dad passed away in december last year and for the first week me,my mom and my brother all felt numb inside.we had a really difficult time with it cause it was so sudden but we had each other and we cried but we dealt with it different ways.i was distraught,my mom was beside herself and my brother stopped working on music(he's an aspiring composer). The pain never goes away but things get easier.just try talking to your family and help them to feel better.