It's like this you see, I haven't known him long but he's impacted my life in a way that seems impossible. He's brought out the worst in me, awakened demons I didn't know I had, but the strange part is...it's not his fault. It's not his fault he didn't like me back; it's not his fault he has such a thriving social life; and it's not his fault he knows his path in life, yet I am consumed by jealousy because when I look at him, I see the person I've always wanted to be. We met a couple of months ago through a friend. I thought there was chemistry, we exchanged numbers, and he arranged the couple of dates we went on. Tragedy struck a month or so later when I admitted I was interested in him, despite me thinking he already knew. He responded by saying he didn't realize - "I must be terrible at picking up signals if you thought I knew" but "can we still be friends now that we've straightened it out? I think you're a brilliant guy." I was confused at first as our meetings and the way we spoke definitely felt date-infused, but I bit my tongue and said "yeah, sure. Friends is great." This didn't exactly work, my feelings kept bubbling and bubbling until they hit the ceiling and I basically shouted at him for leading me on. He was apologetic at first, but as I kept going he was driven away and even after apologizing; after he accepted it and agreed we could start over, I wouldn't exactly call us good friends: "You can't force or rush it... It's not a write off yet though " is what he said of our friendship. The problem remains however, that I am somewhat obsessed with him as a person. I'm not even sure it's because I have an obscenely large crush on him, because it's his whole being I'm drawn to and I find myself wishing I was in his shoes. He has all the qualities I've always wanted in myself... -He's gay (obviously), but it doesn't show in his personality. I'm aware there are plenty of gay men who don't act like queens, but I've honestly never met one like him. Most of his friends are guys, he's so comfortable around them. I'm not comfortable around guys, I find myself thinking they're judging me, and I can't find a common ground of interests to talk to them about. I'm usually that gay guy among the crowd of girls, enjoying their company but all the while wishing I could be among guys because I don't want my sexuality to define my friendships. But it does. I don't understand how he can be so comfortable with them, and them with him. He's openly gay so they all know. -His social life thrives. Yes, this is where the toxic social network comes into the occasion. I'm frequently treated to many pictures of his latest adventures with his university friends. We're at the same university, and he's doing the course that I wish I had taken. I even tried to get onto it at the start of university because I realize I had made a mistake, but it was full. This further impacts my depression on this subject because I see how many fantastic friends he's made on the course - they're all so outgoing, whereas the people on my much smaller course are all, strictly speaking, sinfully boring and never want to do anything other than go home after lectures. This puts my mind in a state of "what could have been?" If I was on that course instead, I could be living in his shoes, enjoying what I'm learning at university and making the friends I long for. He and they all seem to be doing something new and exciting every day - a spontaneous road-trip, attending a large concert, having tours around radio stations (the course is TV and Radio Production). Meanwhile, I'm sat at home wallowing in my depression, and I have little friends to go out and do those things with. All of my close ones are off at their own universities. I know the solution to this would be to not go on Facebook, but in this generation that's not an easy thing to do. I sustain my relationships with my friends at university partially through Facebook - I need some way to talk to them, and I've found that from deleting my Facebook in the past it only adds to the isolation I feel now because you're basically just walking around Hogwarts wearing an invisibility cloak. -He knows his career calling. He's on a TV and Radio Production course, and he's also a presenter at the student radio at university with a few of his course mates. He's got work placements sorted for the summer. Meanwhile, I'm not really sure what I want to do... I can't find my passion, and that makes me so jealous knowing that he seems to "have it all figured out." -He's on antidepressants for his issues with his sexuality, but I see how they've worked on him. A mutual friend told me what he used to be like... Sort of how I feel now, isolated and looking miserable all the time. But that's not the case now, they've obviously worked for him. I started antidepressants last week after being diagnosed with it, so hopefully they help me too. But this is still an issue - I'm comparing our depressions. Jealousy and obsession continues to take over. So, that's my sordid tale. I developed a crush on a guy, but now I've become cripplingly jealous of him and his life. But what do I do? Even if I cut him out of my life completely - block him from Facebook, delete every piece of communication I have with him, I'll still be left with these memories. Like the pictures of him are vividly emblazoned in my mind.
Instead of focusing on everything this guy has that you want why don't you focus on improving yourself to get where you want to be? You could even use your friendship with him to further yourself along. By focusing on him you're losing focus of what's important--you. Don't compare yourself to him either. We are all different people and have different abilities. Play to your strengths. In time, this jealousy-crush thing will dissipate, you will look back and think of how silly you were and how much time you wasted brooding over this.
