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Undecided on a threesome

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Odahingum, May 27, 2013.

  1. Odahingum

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    An ex-coworker who has become a good friend of mine is one of the few people I've come out to. I made the basic mistake of assuming gay-friendly equaled closeted, and suggested we tried going out, but he's verrrry straight. As a last question before burying the subject forever, I asked him whether there was any set of circumstances in which he'd consider a bi-curious moment with me, and he said it'd have to be a threesome with a woman.

    So the subject was buried.

    Except now he wants that threesome.

    He likes meeting women in dating websites for casual sex purposes. He's recently begun chatting with a very hot woman whose fantasy is having sex with two guys. So he messaged me with a proposal.

    We'd have to fly to another city to see her, and the tickets would cost about 10% of my monthly paycheck (I haven't figured in food, accomodations and condoms). He has already made me chat with her (it actually ended up in a three-way sexting session led by him) and oh boy is her spelling atrocious.

    The only thing that makes this whole affair desirable to me is knowing he'll be there naked. I've told him so, and he's OK with that. His main motivation is being with her anyway. The girl is gorgeous, and I'm bisexual, but until I get the chance to know her better my brain only registers her huge pair of breasts and her terrible spelling.

    I don't feel comfortable with the idea of having sex with two people if I'll only feel deep respect and affection for one of them. As of now, she only inspires me the basic respect I have for any member of the human species, but absolutely nothing on a personal level. After having chatted with her once, I feel no desire to get to know her better.

    I am not the stereotypical male whose default state is horniness and who jumps without a second thought at every chance for intercourse, and I fear my friend is working on the assumption that, because I own a penis, that is what I am.

    I have had sex only once in my life, with a man, a total stranger, who turned out to be kind and respectful of my boundaries. I've told this friend everything about that episode. I don't know if he therefore assumes I'm up for anything with strangers.

    One more thing is, as little as I know about that girl, I'm also moved by respect for her. I don't like the idea of using her as an indirect means of getting to touch my friend's man parts, however desirable that end is to me. During our sexting session he pushed me to say dirty things to her, which I don't really have much creativity for. She enjoyed it enormously, but I'm not comfortable with dirty talk. She stated she likes "rough sex," whatever that means in her world, but what I expect of sex is the emotional connection it represents. I don't regret that former episode with the stranger, as he accepted that I was in control of my consent at all times, but that was an unexpected scenario that I don't want to take as the norm for my sex life.

    I've never had sex with a woman. I seriously doubt I want her to be the one I'll remember my entire life.

    So if I'm able to come up with so many reasons against it, why is it that I still feel tempted?
     
    #1 Odahingum, May 27, 2013
    Last edited: May 27, 2013
  2. Femmeme

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    Because you're secretly hoping that if you go through with it your friend "get over" being straight and suddenly want to date you?

    Just a guess.

    It's ok to have thoughts and hopes and wishes like that, it's just not ok to try to drag then into the real world. ESPECIALLY if it means forcing yourself into an unwanted and possibly hurtful and degrading sexual experience.

    I'd like to point out, when straight guys imagine MFM three ways, they NEVER think about the two Ms touching or pleasuring each other. It's more like two guys who happen to be doing stuff to the same woman at the same time. I think if you go through with it you'll be seriously disappointed.

    Do you really want this guy so badly that you'll shell out $$$, fly to another city and fuck someone you aren't interested in, just to see him naked?
     
  3. Filip

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    Well, I can see where the temptation comes in. You like him, and even if you can't date him, the idea of sex with him is tempting. Even if there'll be a girl around.

    Though I agree with Femmeme: there's likely to be mismatched expectations. Because your friend really likes that girl. And even if he isn't really dating her, the idea of sex with her seems tempting. Even if you'll be around. (I might be jumping to conclusions here, but for a peek at his intentions, look at the content of the sexting. If he was asking you to focus on her, it's unlikely he'll suddenly want something else offline)

    Finally, the girl probably wants to have sex with two men. And not just be a spectator as they're having sex with each other.

    So, essentially, it'll be two against one here. She'll want your attention, and he'll want your attention focused on her. Sure, you'll see him naked, but I'm assuming that's not the sole thing you want with him.

    I get how the idea seems attractive. And I'm not actually against threesomes if everyone is on the same page. But I'm getting the suspicion that in this case, you're going in with mismatched ideas about what will happen, which could end up in pretty major disappointment.
     
  4. Odahingum

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    Wow. The picture gets more complicated. So, basically he's thinking to use me to get to her, and I'm thinking to use her to get to him?
     
  5. Lexington

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    Let's numerate the issues.

    * You don't know or care about the woman much at all.

    * It means a significant cash outlay.

    * I have no problem with threesomes as long as all three people are thinking "Here are two people I really want to have sex with". You're in it for him. He's in it for her. She's in it for "having two guys"...and I'm assuming that fantasy is "two guys who want to have sex with me", not "one guy who wants to have sex with me, and one who wants to have sex with the other guy". In short, NONE of you are in the "here are two people I really want to have sex with" realm.

    Way too many negatives. Turn it down.

    Lex
     
  6. Chloe

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    We can't be sure of where all the using is, but this set-up full of the wrong components. I'm all for threesomes and the occasional casual sex, but there are many things wrong here. You already knew that and asked why you are still tempted. Perhaps it's because libidos tend to be overly optimistic and not concerned with the details.

    Aside from the financial and emotional costs, memories of bad sex can remain much longer than memories of great sex.
     
  7. photoguy93

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    A threesome can be fine if it's with someone you'll probably never see again (however, that would mean a stranger, so.....you can't be sure on safety.)

    To shell out such a large amount of money is kind of silly...can't you find a girl in your area?

    Granted, I think it's a bad idea. I've been there... I've been there trailing after some "straight" guy because I wanted him.

    You're only going to have your heart broken. I highly doubt he's gonna be like "oh, baby...I just love you. I was joking all along." He's probably going to be like "oh, shit, TITS...give me that vagina!"

    Just be honest. Let him go make some stupid mistake....the rest will write itself.
     
  8. Odahingum

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    Update: told him I can't. We're still friends. He'll go. Thanks everyone.
     
  9. SaleGayGuy

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    You have made the right decision.

    I was about to suggest another possibility your friend may not have anticipated, that the woman may have had a hidden agenda of seeing 2 guys having sex with each other or at the very least kissing each other! What would he have done then?