So I have this friend who I have a history with. That is, indeed, we used to date. It wasn't an optimal situation -- he was very self hating, he hated that he liked men, but for once in his life he was willing to give it a shot. Eventually he told me "I can't do this, I can't do this", which doesn't exactly surprise me, considering how paranoid he was and his general mess of emotions. I have little doubt he's gay. I was sad it didn't work out because during most moments we got along great, had a lot in common and had a lot of fun. Some days, though. Anyway, my relationship with him (this was 3 years ago) isn't exactly what's troubling me right now. We indeed (kinda) keep in touch. And he's recently started seeing a girl. They've been together almost two months now, and they "seem" pretty happy together, at least from what I can judge via Facebook photos. The thing is, as stated above, I know he's gay and just denying it. He's afraid of his family and friends reaction, which to be honest, I don't think will be particularly bad -- they're good people. And now here I am at the sidelines wondering what I should do. It saddens me to see them together -- I know this situation is only going to end in pain for every person involved. Now, at this point I'm not going to go ahead and bump my head in the situation. But at some point I'll almost feel obliged to. What if they're together for 6 months? Do I just let him keep up the charade? I at least, at some point, have to have a conversation with him. If he doesn't do anything, and say, proposes to this girl (I realise this could be a long way down the road), then certainly I have to jump in and say something, if not for his sake, for HERS, so that she's not wasting her life married to a gay man. That's just tragic, sad and inconsiderate. I suppose I'm just looking for advice, suggestions as to what I should do, if anything at all, in this situation. I'm his secret old boyfriend, and one I still think he likes to be honest.
If you're still friends, ask him "Are you happy with her?" And when he says "Yes" (which he will), say "Then that's all I need to know." And then leave it alone. Lex
This is an interesting situation. I am going through a bit of a similar situation, only with a girl I know who is dating a very obvious guy. I work with her and she asked me about this guy...she didn't specifically saying "do you think he's gay?" But she hinted at it. I tried to be honest....I know we can't know the truth until we actually know, but sometimes, you just know. In terms of your situation, the best policy is - let their shit hit the fan. You COULD be a shit and cause a scene, but that's silly. If he's bi, then he's bi. The only person I really care about here is the girl. If she doesn't know about you, then I think it's just really disgraceful. However, what can we do? It's stupid.
I'd say let your friend be him. There's nothing "stupid" or "disgraceful" about not telling a girl that you like guys. I've never told girls that I like guys and I never will. Why? Because a lot of gay people have made it difficult for anyone to take us seriously, although this is entirely on accident, by using being bi as a stepping stone to coming out when they know very well that they're not. Thus, you have people believing that other bi guys coming out are the same and the girl will likely become very suspicious and might even leave you because of those said suspicions. Not telling her is the far better option here. I tell guys that I like both though. Why? Because gay guys are far more likely to understand it than girls are. We both fall outside of what society views as normal sexuality, we know that there is more out there than Adam and Eve, there's also Adam and Steve, plus Adam liking both Eve and Steve. And while gay guys understand this, it's a lot harder for a girl to. And it's really none of her business anyway. Why should it be? He likes her, he loves her, he wants to be with her, and she makes him happy. What difference does it make if he likes guys as well? To give her doubts about him? It should be viewed as something as simple as hair color. You wouldn't say, be careful around him - he has brown hair. And you shouldn't tell a girl, be careful around him - he also likes guys either. The best option would be an accepting world, but since it's not a lie is the lesser evil here since all that should matter is how he cares about her.
I really don't think he's bisexual. When we were together he would tell me that he wished he liked girls, but he didn't. He specifically mentioned girls. This is why it's so troubling -- I'm 95% sure he's full on g a y. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe I'm getting worked up about nothing, but it just seems so unlikely. The fact is, he was (is) ashamed of his sexuality. He didn't think anyone could love him. I just see this as him trying to hide it, with a poor ol' girl who's just going to be more and more heartbroken as time goes on when she learns the truth.
If he says he wished he liked girls but didn't, chances are that he is gay then. I, and other bi guys, typically have an "ebb and flow" pattern in which some days we're gay, other days we're straight, and some days we just want to fuck everything on two legs. But, with that said, we know we like the babes and the dudes whatever stage we're in (despite confusion that the ebb and flow can bring, we know that the attraction to either was there and still is to some degree). So, with that said - from that information - it sounds like he is gay. If the "he didn't think anyone could love him" part is true, maybe you could try fixing him up with a really cute guy he might like? If that part of it is what's behind this, that could help him go down a different path?
It hurts to lose someone, but he's sounds like he'll be a refuted bisexual if he doesn't come to terms with it. Let's just hope this girl does the right thing and be good to him, no matter what. I would say get him drunk, because that's what I would do, but it's not recommended. xD He could fly off the handle... If anything, write him a letter. You would be surprised how much easier it is to articulate what you want to say on paper, versus talking to him about it.
I don't know about that. While a steady stream of sex with gay men might be more readily available for bisexuals, there's nothing that convinces me they're more accepting as bisexuality as a valid orientation than heterosexuals as a whole. If anything, they're probably more likely to blow it off as a phase, since a lot of them have identified as just that before coming out as gay. Straight women really only have their experiences with self-identified bi men to go by, really, and if more gay men started coming out as gay without a 'bi phase' while genuinely bisexual men started being honest with the women they pursued, you'd probably see society singing a much different tune. For me, it's about sharing a very significant part of my identity with someone I might potentially share a good chunk of my life with. Imagine having to explain gay porn, checking out men, or involvement with LGBT scene after years of convincing your partner that you were just another straight man. Chances are, the guilt would have suffocated me long before my 'secret' was discovered, followed by a complete reduction in trust. Plenty of women are able to come around to the idea of sharing lives with a bisexual man - it's the secrecy and lies that makes bisexuality a deal breaker. This is all me, though: I'd rather be hated for what I am than to be loved for what I'm not, from both gay men and straight women. How can we be taken serious as a group when so many of us are hiding, leading double lives? Essentially, we'd be letting gay and straight societies to speak for and define us, something too many people are willing to do, since bisexuality as a concept confuses and frightens many of them.
Well, just from my own experiences. While I've ran into some guys who down right demanded that I was gay, which is really odd considering I'm a Kinsey 2. I've ran into more difficulties with girls. Right now, I'm on the "James Franco plan." I'm involved with the LGBT scene, I'm interested in LGBT media, I won't hide if I think a guy is handsome or not when asked, and when/if she asks me if I'm gay I can say no. "You could say that I'm gay, but then you'd be wrong." She wouldn't think of asking if I'm bi, because not many think of asking that. So I'm not really lying to her either and I don't really need to mention what guys catch my eye, just like I wouldn't mention other girls around her. Right now "the James Franco plan" just seems like the best plan there is because so many are confused and frightened by it. Franco can study LGBT and seek out to make and star in an LGBT porno yet also lead his gf into believing that he's straight due to never being asked the bi question. I think that curtain works, and it's one James Dean used too, because when living in a world of black and white, being gray largely goes unnoticed and unasked.
Maybe I'm really tired, but that was the most confusing description.... :/ Joking aside, I do get that it can be difficult explaining things to certain people...sometimes, though, it does get way too complicated.... And, to the OP, for your friend...everyone has a story. Some people aren't going to say anything. A great story I have is I was talking with my therapist about guys, and she mentioned that a guy I went to school with was dating another guy and how it just came out that they were together. She's my high school's psychologist. We discussed this, and what others said...and then I said "did ___ say he's gay?" She said "oh, no, he's very coy about it." I thought that was hysterical. There's absolutely no way, at all, that this kid is straight, and there's a 1% chance he's bi. Some people just choose to play games and act like it's not Important. Should be important? No, but it is, because these are difficult times for all of us.
I was operating off of not having slept for over 24 hrs lol. Thus, resulting in rambling. Basically there's absolutely no need to tell my gf or future gfs that I also like guys. Where would it even come up? It's not lying. It's just not telling her everything. Especially since I lean more towards girls. I don't see the point in disclosing it.
A lot of gay guys don't approve either. As far as the OP is concerned, its that person's business. Let it go. He could actually be bi. Who knows. Worry about yourself and let your friend figure things out for himself. All you can offer is advice.
And as the point I made in my second post, from personal experience, or at least in the people I've met guys have been more open to it than girls are. That's not saying no guys are. That's just saying more.
