Dilemma or just venting frustration

I don't even know if I want to laugh or cry. I'm doing a little bit of both at the moment.:roflmao::tears: and this too:eusa_doh::bang:

It's so stupid that it's almost hilarious!:lol: I feel like a crazy person right now. I don't mean to give that impression but I might do. Sorry.:help::rolle:

My emotions have been all over the place since this morning. On a positive note, I've managed to score 95% in the written part of my English exam (advanced). On a more infuriating one, I've seen my crush again. This is how she makes me feel.:tantrum::eusa_doh::bang::tears::icon_conf :eusa_ange :newcolor::eusa_shif:rolleyes::eusa_sile :eusa_thin :love::love::love: (I apologize to anyone who hates smileys but I couldn't find a better way to describe just how crazy I feel.)

And the thing that makes it even worse is the fact that I'm SO sure she's on EC!:icon_sad: I can't even write about her anymore. It wouldn't matter if I posted this in the anonymous section because she doesn't need to know my username to be able to recognize that it's about her.

So if you're really here (my crush), please don't read this.:eusa_shif

This whole thing makes me so angry because this was the only place I could come to and vent about whatever problem I had, and now I can't. It's not my fault I'm attracted to her! (It's hers!)
Honestly, every time I see her, which is not a lot, I go out of my way to ignore her and pretend I didn't notice her. But I do and because I see her so rarely, I need to look at her but I don't in case she catches me looking. Today I only glanced at her shortly (way too shortly) when I saw the bus was going to be there in 20 seconds and I swear she was looking in my direction. Okay, maybe she was looking at the bus not at me, but still, every time I try to look at her, I can't because she's already looking at me or something near me.:bang::help:

I know she's way out of my league but I can't help how I feel, I didn't ask for it! It's torture. Literally, every time I look at her, she takes my breath away. This should be a medical condition called lovesickness. Seriously, I've been so obsessed, maybe that's not the right word but I get physically sick for days after seeing her in the street for just a few minutes. I hate being this infatuated with her. She always makes me feel giddy and I never feel giddy, I'm just not that sort of person but she does that to me and to me, she is the most beautiful and most attractive woman on Earth. I could write pages and pages about her but I'll spare you and won't.:lol:

Please help?:help: What should I do? I think what I'm asking is what ways are there to stare at someone without them noticing? I need to look at her really badly for more than just a few seconds.:icon_redf I think what I used to do was stand somewhere behind her but that doesn't work anymore. She never stands in front of me anymore.

I forgot to add that when I looked at her for no more than a second, she was looking directly at me and seemed angry with me and this wasn't the first time I felt that. Maybe it's all in my head but I don't know... My intuition is usual spot on so I might be right about this as well.

If I look at it logically, (that wouldn't make it any more or less true but it usually makes me feel more confident about my assumptions), she could be on EC. There aren't many (if any) active LGBT forums where people are actually very nice to each other. So that's one reason. Two, if she's here, (and she could be because based on her choice of studies at university, she's got to be good at English) it wouldn't be hard to guess I'm writing about her. Or maybe it would.

I mean, I've mentioned stuff about her and my childhood and the school we went to together and based on that, she should be able to figure it out. Okay, maybe she doesn't remember me from school because she was three years above me but I think she does. To her, I'm the girl who was called 'lesbian' all the time in school and that must have made some impression on her, especially if she really is gay. And even if that didn't make her notice me, the fact that I looked like a skeleton for about a year or two, that had to have some effect on her, like 'oh, she's that anorexic girl who's got fat again' or something similar.

I don't even know if there's a point to my post. You might think there isn't but please just say hi or something.
How long do you think it is humanly possible to have a crush on someone in my situation? Please say less than a year... It's already been four months and it hasn't got any less..intense.:icon_sad:

Sorry again for all the smileys and thanks for reading!(*hug*)

 

...maybe I shouldn't have posted this thread...:icon_redf:bang:

 

Hi Zoe! Thank you for replying.

Thank you!

That's exactly why I don't like it. I don't want her to know because honestly, I have no idea what's wrong with me. I don't even know her and I have no idea why I'm so attracted to her. If it would be one of those crushes where I just want to talk to them and be near them and impress them, that I could understand but not this.

And I'm sure I don't want a relationship with her. I think I'd just like to talk to her and then maybe my crush (and obsession/attraction) would go away. Hopefully.

It's got to the point that whenever I see her, I want to turn around and just run. It's also very embarrassing because I'm really sure she thinks I'm rude & stupid & ugly.
Also, I'm angry with her for being so attractive.

And probably I'll never talk to her in my life. I don't even want to, that's why I don't understand. I wish I've never seen her or that I'd never see her again, then I could stop feeling like this.

---------- Post added 5th Jun 2013 at 05:09 PM ----------

I keep thinking from time to time that maybe I've got it horribly wrong and she is, in fact, straight. But I know from her fb profile that she likes The L Word and Lip Service and a few other LGBT movies. That doesn't mean anything, I know.
I guess I really want her to be not straight because I've always thought she wasn't like the other girls. In a weird way, I want to be like her, or maybe not exactly like her, I don't know..but she's amazing.
I know I can't be in love with her, it's only infatuation but this made me realize, I really don't want to find out what it's like to be in love.

 

I know it's very, very long and I'm really sorry for that.

I guess I'm confused because I don't know why I'm attracted to her and what attraction is. How can it be still there when I don't even look at her anymore? What is attraction and how do I stop it? I've tried to not have a crush on her but nothing works. And it's driving me crazy. Why is this happening? I feel so guilty and scared she'll find out.

 

I'm always putting myself in these kind of situations unnecessarily and then I end up regretting them and then I cut, take pain-killers just because I can or I make myself sick, which leads to hating myself even more, and that makes me do stupid things like this...

 

I didn't hurt myself that badly, they could be scratches from the cat. Anyway, if I don't see her, I'm fine. And it's not just her. My mother keeps saying I'm fat enough already by saying 'don't get any fatter' and says lots of other things as well.

I really appreciate your replies(*hug*)but I've already regretted making this thread. It was pointless.

I don't want to be gay anymore or have feelings for anyone but I can't help it anymore. I don't know how else to deal with these emotions and everyone's at home so throwing up is out of the question, it will have to be cutting or painkillers.

P.S. Don't worry, I don't use razor blades so I won't accidentally cut my vein. I've been doing it for years so I know what I'm doing.