OK, so I just went to see my therapist. I had a panic attack last night, and it brought a lot of things to the surface. Basically, I've always known that I operate on extremes. It's hard for me to find balance or a grey area in a lot of things. My therapist said that I might have borderline personality disorder, and when she was saying that my behavior and thought patterns sounded like symptoms of BPD and told me what it was, everything just clicked. I was asked by a friend of mine if I have it, but that was years ago. I think she pegged it right though. I'm a bit worried. I've been like this my whole life, thinking of things in an all-or-nothing kind of way, and now that it's been presented to me as an actual disorder, I don't know whether to be relieved or upset. On the one hand, I now have a better understanding of what's going on, but on the other, I always thought this was just how I am. What do I do now? I know I've been having urges to cut myself, be they intense or casual. This kind of thing happened when I was taking anti-depressants while attending community college. I'm on Prozac now, and I'm not sure that has anything to do with it or not. SSRIs tend to make me want to kill people, but the Prozac has been pretty good to me. I guess what I'm trying to say is, "So what do I do now?" I feel kind of fucked up because it seems like everything I thought was just a part of my personality has turned out to be a psychological disorder. It's pretty discouraging. I figure I'm going to get through it, but I'm just feeling stuck right now. It's very bothersome. Any advice and/or feedback is greatly appreciated.
I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago with a mild form of bipolar. When I was first diagnosed, I felt scared, relieved, and unsure of myself. I eventually grew to embrace it, knowing the craziness I've lived with wasn't just my imagination. I was able to open up to my family, friends and coworkers and explain some of my mannerisms. Keep working with your therapist and work on coping stratagies. Feel free to post on my wall (I think you can do that) if you want to talk. Cheers!
Well, most of those things probably are just a part of your personality. That doesn't change just because someone puts a diagnosis on it. Especially when it comes to 'personality disorders' there's no real line between 'you' and 'not you.' You don't have to change anything about your thinking that doesn't make you unhappy.
Borderline is one of the more challenging disorders to treat, but DBT (Dialectic Behavioral Therapy) has shown fairly good results. You'll want a therapist with a strong knowledge of it and experience in working with borderlines. I can't adequately describe how much good therapy will make a difference for you. It can take time and work, but it will really change your life for the better.
Thanks, TraceElement. I appreciate it. My therapist did drop a large packet of coping strategies in my lap before I left her office. She also talked to my husband about how to better deal with my ups and downs. I'm really glad he came with me to therapy today, so now he knows what's going on, too. I will try to post on your wall. I'm not sure if I can do it because I haven't applied for full membership yet, although I bet I can. I think I've been on this forum long enough. ---------- Post added 5th Jun 2013 at 08:32 PM ---------- Theodora, I do think it's very ingrained into my personality. I enjoy the craziness, but I just wish it was more under control, I think. The thing that frustrates is probably the fact that I go through a lot of phases of different extremes. I want my emotions to calm down so I can really be myself and not fluctuate all the time. It's weird because I'm very level-headed, but sometimes my feelings just sneak up on me, take over, and completely disrupt my thoughts. Thanks for your input. ---------- Post added 5th Jun 2013 at 08:34 PM ---------- Chip, I've never heard of DBT, so I'm going to have to look into it. My next appointment with my therapist is near the end of the month, so I'll talk to her then about it. Even though I've evidently lived with BPD all my life, it's really new to me. I appreciate your advice.
DBT is relatively new. If your therapist is not trained and experienced with it, s/he should refer you to someone who is. It's an absolute must for BPD. Prior to DBT, there was no effective treatment for BPD, but DBT, while it still isn't a miraculous cure-all, has been shown to be remarkably effective with many people living with BPD.
I hope she is trained in DBT. I work a minimum wage job and can't afford to pay for therapy, so I'm going to a place that's state-funded. Maybe someone in the facility has some DBT training.
I was in DBT for 2 years although I don't have borderline (my psychiatrist thought it would help with my extreme anxiety and self harm behaviors). My girlfriend does have borderline tho and it seems to be helping her. I would definitely give that a try. Borderline is tricky to treat but finding the right meds and doing DBT are the best steps. There are special places that do DBT and it has a group and individual as a part of it. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I know all about it.