My story

Hi, this is my first time ever posting on a site like this and I have never talked about my life or that I am gay… Therefore, I am slightly scared, and English is not my first/main language so I may have "errors" in my language… As I said, I have never talked to anyone about what I have been through throughout my life but I am tired to keep this all to myself. I just have to talk with someone...

I was born in a small town in a poor country called Burma, in Asia. My father owned a fishing company, which made enough money so my sister and I could go to school. However, one-night, when I was around 3 years old, soldiers came into our home, ransacked our house, and arrested my father because he fought for democracy in my country. I still remember images of that night, and sometimes these images just pops up in my mind, because I was so traumatized by everything. I can still remember the flashlights, and the men in uniform. My father was sentenced to about 8 or 9 years in prison (I don’t remember the exact number of years), and while he was in prison, my mother struggled to take care of us.


My mother had to work with heavy labors like carrying gigantic bags of onions in long distances. When she asked her sisters, and brothers for help they just looked the other way. We were even kicked out of my aunt’s house in the middle of one night. My mom would work whole days, nonstop, so that my sister and me could go to school. Because she worked so much, and my father was in prison, my sister had to take care of me. She bathed me, and fed me.


My father was released from prison when I was six, because of “good behavior” and some other stuff I cannot remember. Just some months after I got my father back, the police came back and arrested my mother. She sat in jail for about 3 months, and I was devastated. During all this, I remember that my father began to drink more and more alcohol.


After some months or so, after my mother was released we found out she was pregnant and that there were some complications. My mothers had some kind of disease in her uterus and if she were to continue her pregnancy the infant would have died, and maybe she would too. She had to take an abortion and remove her uterus but we did not have enough money for the operation, and my mother got worse and worse. And during all this, the police came and arrested my father again. I remember one evening my sister and I was so hungry my mother had to crawl out of her bed to make food, and I saw blood coming out of her vagina… To get enough money for the operation my mother had to take up many loans from bad people…


She took the operation, but she was scared for life mentally. I do not remember much after that… Me and my sister continued school during all this, I don’t know how but my mother somehow alone managed to earn enough money to support our education. I remember that this time my father was “only” in prison for some months and when he came out he became an alcoholic and my mother and he would fight almost every day. When I was about seven years old, we escaped to Thailand to get help from UNICEF there and when I was eight we landed in Norway.



It looked like everything was going to be better, but when I started in fifth grade I was bullied mentally and physically for being Asian, because I wasn’t tall, because I got good grades (we don’t get grades in elementary school here in Norway but I got good results on tests) and because I liked Pokemon, Zelda and those Nintendo games and because I was to emotional. I cried more often than other kids, and I would cry of the simplest insult because I could not handle anything more mentally.

One time after school, a boy waited for me to finish class, and then he beat me up and the teachers did nothing. Nobody would talk to me, and I was completely and utterly alone. For 2 years, I was alone during recess, and had no friends. During all this, things were not good at home. My mother became clinically depressed, and was sent to a psychiatry, and after all she has been through, I didn’t blame her. I didn’t want to cause my family more sadness so I never talked about being bullied, how I was pushed around by everybody and that I wanted to cry and scream every night. I just had a fake smile. My father’s drinking habit, which had improved when we arrived in Norway, became worse again.


After about 5 months, my mother was released, but she was still incredibly depressed and had to take a lot of medication. There were many nights without sleep for her, and when she could not sleep the rest of the family couldn’t either. Therefore, my life was a living hell. I was miserable at school and at home. I started to build a wall around me so that I could not be hurt by anyone. Everywhere I went I was miserable, and I have never talked about that to anyone. Even though I know I never commit suicide, I have to admit that the thought have popped up in my head. I was sad, lonely, and angry. I was sad because of my mother and because I was bullied, and I was lonely because I couldn’t talk to anyone, and I was so angry towards my father because he wouldn’t do anything than drink.

Now I am at the end of tenth grade and this is first time I have ever talked about this… And as I said I have difficulty getting friends because of the wall I have built around me. I have also difficulty to show emotions because I was bullied for exactly that… I have two best friends a boy and a girl, we are close but I am not ready to open myself up totally towards them. It is also hard for me to express my feelings and to talk about them, and to explain what I feel because sometimes I just don’t know... I could not even properly express and explain what I felt in this post…

Now another dramatic event is effecting my life, I have admitted to myself that I am gay. This is the FIRST time I have ever said these words… I am gay… And there is nothing I can do with that… I have INCREDIBLY low self-esteem because of everything I have been through… My heart pounds as fast as it can when I am talking to strangers and even some adults. My father is still an alcoholic but not as bad as before. He can control himself when his drunk and he loves my sister and me and have never EVER hit us. But still I get angry sometimes because I feel like I don’t know the REAL him… And I makes me angry that he still drinks… My mother is still depressed even though she has greatly improved…


I am still closet gay, but I really want a boyfriend to talk to and to cuddle with. I want to love someone and for someone to love me for who I am. I am VERY afraid to come out, because some weeks ago when the whole family was watching a movie a gay scene came up where to guys kissed and my father was like EWW and my sister AASSSJJJ…. And I was “forced” to say YUUCKKK even though I didn’t want to. I don’t know why I created this post… I just don’t want to be alone… I have NEVER talked to someone about this, and I am so sad, and scared, but a little happy… I don’t want to be gay, but still I want to be who I am and be true to myself… and I am so conflicted. I just don’t know… I guess I created this post because no one really knows this part of me and I just couldn’t be alone anymore.

Boy 15 years old (16 in December) hahaha :rolle: