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I feel really low and I think I'm about to flip out

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by nonotreally, Jun 8, 2013.

  1. nonotreally

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    I've just experienced the worst night of my life and I don't really know what to do because I'm a total wreck right now. In a nutshell, my straight friend, with whom Im in love, has just returned from a visit home and has told me stories of how three different boys have expressed interest in her, and she kissed two of them. One of them kissed her so that was a write off, but the other one made this big sweeping gesture and basically sediced her and my initial thoughts were just how dare her? Because if I had the privilege or was a boy, I would have done that months ago. Not that it would make her gay but that's not the point. My feelings are so hurt. I'd do anything for her. And she always lists all these characteristics of boys and they are all the things that I am and it makes me sick to my stomach. Anyway, she then got on my case about coming out to my parents, which I'm not planning to do any time soon, and I could feel myself getting more and more anxious so I told her I was feeling that and she said we could go. On the way to the pub I was going to tell her that I've been extremely depressed over the last year and a half and maybe even explain my feelings but we were interrupted by her flatmate who was on the way there as well. So i spent the rest of the evening putting all my effort into not crying and not throwing up and I had to leave early. And I was so pleased because I'd gotten out of my depression around Easter but now I'm right where I began. I hate myself so much. I can't tell anyone anything without having an anxiety attack. I just want to die.
     
  2. FemCasanova

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    *hugs!*

    This is a really painful situation, and I know how difficult it must be for you right now. I had a straight friend myself who I had the biggest crush on. Actually, to this day I think that it was more than that. With me it felt a bit like I had found my soul-mate, who happened by some fluke of faith to be straight. It was so emotionally grating every time she`d meet another guy, another jack-a** who wasn`t any good for her. Problem is, it didn`t matter how I felt. I had to move on. And I did! I have a wonderful GF now, a few years after and life is good. Yours will be too. You`ll meet someone who can return those feelings, and when it feels a lot better when it`s returned.

    About depression, it`s always a bit like that. Two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes two steps forward and three steps back. It`s easy to start thinking that you haven`t had any progress at all, and that you are stuck in status quo. If you ask any of us who has recovered from depression, we`ll tell you; it`s a climb! And sometimes we slip up and slide back a few steps. But it`s not for nothing! Don`t let your progress get negated by a simple step back. Every time you beat back depression, you are a little further than you were, even if it doesn`t feel that way. You`ve beaten it back once, you can do so again! And your life is worth every bit of the effort. Give yourself some credit for how far you got around Easter, and don`t beat yourself up over this set back. That`s all it is, a set-back! It may feel a bit like you`re sinking into mud, but you are not.

    Take a few deep breaths. Allow yourself to feel sad. We can`t be happy and brave all the time, sometimes we simply need to feel. Put on some music, watch a sad movie. Write down some thoughts and let yourself cry! Don`t hold the tears back thinking you need to keep it together. Let them flow. God, I have gotten far in my fight against depression. I have fairly recovered, but there are days every blue moon when I feel like if I`ve stepped into a time-machine and my emotions are all twisting up on me. Last time I just sat down on the bath-room floor and bawled my eyes out for two hours, swearing at the mirror. At the end of it, I felt a bit better. I picked myself up, took a deep breath and told myself that like all the bad days before, I`d get through this one as well. I had a bad day. It`s okay! All that matters, is that we take care of ourselves, give ourselves a pat on the back, eat, get some rest and try to make tomorrow a better day than what came before.

    You`ll be alright! You can get through this, and you`re not alone. Have a good cry! It`s healthy for you. Just don`t feed the depression monster by allowing yourself to think stuff like; "Life is terrible". "Life is too hard". "I hate my life" (my old favorite). Thing is, life isn`t terrible, even if we have a terrible day, or a terrible week or a terrible month. Hell, even if we have 5 terrible years in a row, life is still not terrible, because life is a constant, our feelings are temporary. We feel bad, but that doesn`t make life bad, because as long as there`s life there`s the possibility of creating a better and happier future. And I never hated my life, I hated specific parts of it, specific parts that could improve and get better with some work and a different viewpoint. So, don`t let those destructive thoughts wreck havoc. Cry over the specifics, but try to keep it rational, keep your negative thoughts centered on the things in your life that is making you unhappy, and consider ways to make those things have a less negative impact.

    It`s going to be okay! *big hug*
    We`re here for you, I`m here for you. And I really do care! So be good to yourself, and let those tears out!
     
  3. mystique

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    I know just how this feels. I'm depressed myself, have been for years, and I sometimes feel like I'm falling into the darkest abyss and all feelings of hope and will to live are sucked out of me. It feels horrible, it feels hopeless and I feel so so alone. Like I'm isolated from the world, just a silent, miserable observer. But there are also days when these feelings are latent, days when I can genuinely smile, rare as they may be. Listen, I'm probably not the best person to give advice, but you need to be strong and move on. You need to focus on the activities you enjoy. Just take some time to think about what you like, or what you used to like before getting depressed. Try to connect with yourself. I used to hate myself too, berated myself for every little thing I did wrong, but you know what? You are a WONDERFUL human being, it's just that you can't see it right now. Get away from her, spend time with your other friends. You need to detach both mentally and physically. It will be hard, it will be painful, but you must learn to love yourself and do what's right for you. It will get better, I promise. But it can't get better if you do not put some effort into it :kiss:
    If you need a friend, I am here. Be strong.
     
  4. nonotreally

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    Thank both of you guys for your support. Both responses really helped. Last night I had an anxiety attack, I cried for 3 hours, slept for 2 and a half and just let thoughts run through my head for the rest of the time. This morning my anxiety attack still hadn't passed and I was due to meet her for lunch. I explained why I had to run away last night and cried a little and she was understanding because she's just great like that. So the day went by and I decided to tell her some stuff. Not all. Just that I feel protective over her and that I feel jealous when she talks about boys. She kept asking me if there was anything else that I wanted to tell her and I think she pretty much knows. I didn't want to say though. Like, how do you deal with a closeted lesbian declaring her love for you? Anyway, I feel a bit better now. She's so supportive. I still resent the boy who did the romantic gesture. I hate him! But I feel less anxious. Now I just feel sad. I think I might cry again. Why is it so hard?

    Thanks again for the advice. I'm going to try to focus more on me rather than putting all my energy into her. But it's nice to know someone cares, even strangers on the internet.
     
  5. FemCasanova

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    (*hug*)

    Of course we care. Keep letting those tears out! There`s a blue sky behind every cloud, no matter how dark it is.

    Focus on you, and the things you can do to be happier. Pamper yourself a bit.
    Be good to yourself!

    We`re here whenever you need support (*hug*)