Question from a virgin?

The simple answer is never give into emotional blackmail & if you are not ready, then it ain't gonna happen & if he does not respect your wishes & is not prepared to wait, then he isn't the one for you & you should kick him to the kerb, it's your body & you have the final say, period!

 

Dublin Boy is right.

I know you say you don't want to lose him, but if he's pressuring you into doing something you don't want to do and getting pissed off when you refuse, he is not worth your time at all.

Especially when you say you can't talk to him about anything serious without him turning him into an argument.

He sounds like he's a jerk to you and that's not okay.

I say you should get out of there.

 

I agree with Dublin Boy. The whole point of a relationship is to be comfortable with that person, and if they intimidate you in any way it's probably not worth it. I say give him a final warning, and if things don't get better just end it. I know it's insanely hard to find a good guy, but if this one isn't the right one there's definitely someone better for you out there. Best of luck.

 

I'm going to offer a different point of view than what has been said in this thread, because it is definitely true that you should never allow yourself to be pressured into anything by anyone. If you want to wait 2 years, 3 years, 5 years, 6 years, marriage, never, etc, that is perfectly fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

However, the knife cuts both ways. Just because your comfort zone might take a few years to reach, doesn't mean that he is the immature asshole because his might only only take a few months. A year and a couple months is more than the sexual patterns for a vast majority of relationships. That is not to suggest that you should feel obligated to run off and have sex with him. You should wait until you feel most comfortable.

Though I feel that we need to rethink this idea that our partners are morally obligated to follow our sexual clocks.

 

Well, one thing is to think about the reasons why you don't feel comfortable yet. Maybe its a factor of age and you feel too young. Maybe its a factor of time and you imagine yourself waiting longer. Maybe its a factor of the situation and you aren't sure whether he is the one.

Finding out the reasons why you feel a certain way is truthfully more for yourself than him. It could very well be something that could be easily fixed, compromised, or show that the both of you might not be right for each other at the moment.

 

Sex isn't just anal sex, you could always just go for things that are probably a bit less intense, hand jobs, oral?

Realise that you're not going to hell for having sex before marriage. Did you know that the bible says that women aren't allowed to talk in church? And that eating seafood and pork is a sin?...You're entitled to your own religious beliefs...but sometimes, IMHO, you've got to open your eyes a little.

 

Stay true to you. Don't do anything before your ready. If he pressures you say "See ya" because he is disrespecting you. Settle for nothing less than than respect for your heart & body. Its always your choice.

 

It's important to be happy with yourself and your decisions. However, I'll add this...

I'm nervous about sex and guys. I really want it. I'd like a great guy in my life and it'd be great if that included sex. I'd venture to say I'll probably need to be guided into it.

If he's violent, abusive, or disrespectful, that's definitely wrong. You can't be pressured. However, if he's just wanting sex because he's ready, you shouldn't think of him as a horrible person. You guys have been together for a year? That's forever and fifty years for some of us.

I think that it's your decision to make. If you're not wanting sex, then I think maybe it's time to decide if this relationship is right for you. If he can't even touch you, then maybe he needs to go find someone who will? I'm not trying to say you're wrong - it's just that it's not fair to either of you.

 

Honestly I think you need to think through your relationship with this guy - coldly and logically. Ask a friend to help you. Make two lists - reasons you should stay together, and reasons you shouldn't.

It doesn't sound like he respects you a whole lot, if he keeps pressuring you and won't listen when you want to work through whatever schtick you two are going through as a couple. It sounds harsh, I know - but just think about it.

I'm so, so sorry.
-Arlouine (Arli)

 

You`re 16! You are still a teenager, so don`t feel bad about not quite being ready for sex yet. My sister is 15, and god knows she`s not ready for that kind of thing yet, she gets embarrassed talking about kissing someone. Sex is a big step in a relationship, and if you are pressured into it, having sex can be a very uncomfortable experience! It`s your first time, it should be nice, so letting him pressure you into something you are not ready for yet is a bad idea, both for you and the relationship. However, maybe you can compromise a bit? Take it in small steps? There`s a difference between going full anal and doing hand-job, for example. The latter you could consider "assisted masturbation". Just, don`t go further than what feels comfortable to you, small steps can help ease you into it, and if he is considerate and kind he`ll understand that you need to take it a little slow.

Especially considering your religious back-ground, you should be allowed to ask for a little simple consideration. Explain to him that due to what your parents have been drilling into you, the thought of having sex scare you. Maybe if you explain a bit about how you feel, and what you`re afraid of, he`ll understand it better.

You are not going to hell for having sex before marriage, any more than a disobedient child should be stoned for disobeying his parents, which the bible also claim! People pick and choose from the bible on a daily basis, even the most conservative Christians do. I have yet to hear about a member of the Catholic church stoning someone for being unfaithful, or disobedient, or any of the other reasons the bible say people should be stoned. I also see Christians with round hair-cuts, play football, wear polyester or gold chains, eat pork (bacon) and shellfish, etc. All of those things people are supposed to go to hell for, according to the bible. If all of those things can be ignored at leisure, why should a man being with a man be something that actually matters? It`s a small foot-note in the bible, just as small as any of those other things! So, if your parents think man layeth with man is bad, your mother should rid herself of all her jewelry, among them her wedding ring, which I assume is gold? Cause the same chapter that talks about man on man action being wrong, also states that wearing gold is wrong. And ham, bacon, most types of meat in the house unless it`s strictly cow needs to go.

So, whatever decisions you make when it comes to having sex, make sure it`s based on what is comfortable for you, not some line in a book in a chapter that a lot of people refers to, yet ignore themselves. If everybody who has ever worn a golden necklace goes to hell, then very few of us would get a chance to go to heaven. So, you are not going to hell for participating in an act of love, which is what sex is. The female pleasure points are not needed for reproduction, yet we are born with them. What`s the point, if sex is sinful and it`s all about reproduction? Sex is about joy and love. It`s the most intimate we can be with a person, it`s something to be celebrated, not judged.

*hugs*

 

I really don't have anything additional to add that hasn't already been said. I simply want to highlight everything Dublin Boy and FemCasanova wrote and echo their advice.

As has been said, it's of paramount importance that he learn to respect your boundaries and your wishes. Despite what you may think, you have a long life ahead of you, and if this relationship doesn't work out - I can assure you with complete certainty that you will find another guy who will love, accept, and most importantly - a guy who respects you. You should never allow yourself to be pressured into something you don't feel comfortable doing under ANY circumstances, and if he attempts to use emotional blackmail (for example threatening to end your relationship if you don't have sex with him), then kick him to the curb. Don't accept - even for a second - that type of behavior.

That being said, one of my primary reasons for responding was because of this...

What your parents have done here is just as bad as what your boyfriend is doing - if not worse. It's all about taking away your choice. They've attempted to take away your choice of saying "Yes" and your boyfriend is attempting to take away your choice to say "No". At the end of the day the choice is in your hands, and you should never feel afraid, icky, dirty, nasty, or wrong for having sexual feelings, desires, or engaging in sexual acts.

Sexuality is a fundamental part of human nature. You have a right to be a sexual person, and no one has the right to try and strip that from you. There are very good reasons why a sixteen year old probably should consider waiting to be sexually active, but those reasons have nothing to do with sex in and of itself being wrong. One of the reasons is what you're experiencing right now - teenagers (due to maturity) sometimes have issues negotiating proper boundaries. You don't want to end up in a situation that is dangerous or emotionally harmful. This is the reason it's important to only have sex with people you trust.

At the end of the day, when and how you have sex is your choice, and you shouldn't do anything that you're uncomfortable with.

As other people have suggested there is a lot you can do that doesn't involve anal sex. In fact, if you don't have access to condoms then you shouldn't do it anyway. You should always use protection - yes, even in a committed relationship with your boyfriend, and yes even if he says he is also a virgin.

Anal sex should generally not be painful if it's done correctly, but that's another topic all together and the answers there are rather easy to find on these forums or with a simple Google search.

My advice for you when it comes to sex is that WHEN YOU ARE READY, take things slow. As other people suggested, start with something like mutual masturbation. By starting slow and taking small steps, it will hopefully help you begin to get over the fear your parents have drilled into you. However, even before you're ready to take this step you need to make absolutely clear to your boyfriend (or whomever you are eventually with in the future) where your boundaries are - and make it clear that you'll go that far and no further.

Finally, although I know you've attempted to talk to him about it before already; it's important to have this conversation with your boyfriend. It's important to talk about what you're feeling, your fears, your concerns, your insecurities, and it's important to listen to what he has to say as well. Simply trying to brush it under the rug or throw up a wall isn't going to be helpful to your relationship. You both need to have an honest conversation about what you're comfortable with, what you're not comfortable with, and what you're feeling and what you want in the future. Ultimately, you both may decide that your needs are incompatible... or you may find a comfortable middle ground, or even potentially an agreement you both feel comfortable with.

However, simply trying to ignore things, throw up a wall, or brush it under the rug and hope that it gets better isn't going to solve the problem. It's a conversation that needs to be had, and you need to - during that conversation - make it absolutely clear that you will not tolerate someone who attempts to violate the boundaries you've put into place.

This is your choice and your right. Don't let anyone try and take it from you, or make you feel dirty or wrong for doing something that is completely natural and healthy.

 

Hi there
I agree with Aldrick. You should sit down and have a conversation with the guy and talk about what you both want from the relationship right now. It's not fair for either of you if you both feel strongly about your point of view. Explain to him your opinion and don't expect him to understand it,just respect it....

Also, if your sole and only reasons for not wanting to even do some foreplay are the forementioned you should go online and you know, find out more about your areas of concern and definitely hear out what the others have said,you could change your mind. But if your not being ready is something more vague and it ha to do with you not being personally ready to move to the next level that's fine too. I think your boyfriend is an OK guy and he will understand. From what you said he's waaaaay better than heterosexual teenagers his age...