Attachment Issues?

I feel the same way about being overbearing/putting more importance on friendships than others do. Not necessarily because of any external reasons, but because other people are impossible to read. You may feel that a certain friend is more important than anything to you and you have a very strong attachment to them, but that's not something that's usually detectable even if they feel the same way. So you feel that they are just in it for casual enjoyment, and could take or leave you.

Maybe it's just my inferiority creeping in, but that's usually how I justify it.

 

A person will only engage with you as much as they want to. If they're feeling pressured by you, they'll create distance. Or if they just can't be bothered at that moment, they'll say they're doing something or alter the direction of the conversation.

Remember: those people are in the same boat as you. It might be something for you to discuss with them, since they'll be able to reassure you more than we can.

 

it can be hard growing up in a small town if you're really different. i wish i was able to give you (good) advice. I'm sort of prepared for my friends leaving, but then again i'm not. It would probably destroy me.

I have a hard time speaking sometimes as well, and i don't want to make convo with someone unless they make it with me first. It's really crippling

 

Well, I'll start by letting you know that you're definitely not alone in feeling this way. I know I have attachment (and possibly abandonment) issues, too. I'm a very loyal person, and what I want is to have a few close, meaningful relationships rather than to have tons of people in my life. When I do find people that I like and start to care about, it doesn't take too long before I start to care very deeply about them. And when I care that much, attachment becomes the natural result. I'm also very shy and introverted, so making new friends is very difficult, uncomfortable, and not all that desirable to me. I'd rather stick with the few people I know and build on those relationships. Therefore, I tend to become bonded with a select few and, subconsciously, I hope they care about me as much as I do them (though that's usually not the case).

I think, for me at least, my tendency to get too attached too quickly stems from my insecurities. And as you mentioned, it causes me to be paranoid that these people will leave me or get upset with me. I always feel like I'm not good enough because I have loved and cared deeply for a few people in my life, and they have all left me unexpectedly, without explanation, and for other people. Since then, I have become very afraid of getting close to anyone for fear that the abandonment will happen again. In fact, my freshman year of college, I became very close friends with one girl. I was hanging out in a huge group of people, and she just sort of gravitated towards me and was always hanging around me. We spent all our time together and did everything together, and she was a better friend to me than anyone else ever had been. Naturally, I really cared about her and became attached quickly. Then, I got scared, paranoid, and pushed her away out of fear that she would eventually leave me first. Now, I look back with terrible regret that I ruined the best friendship I ever had all because I was insecure. I'll bet that if I didn't push her away, we'd still be amazing friends to each other to this day (3 years later).

I guess my advice would be to try to think rationally about the way you feel. What I learned from all my experiences is that you really can't control other people: you can't control how they feel, how they think, and how they act. You can't keep someone if they want to leave. If you're hanging out with these few friends of yours, and things are going well, you shouldn't get too worried about them possibly leaving or getting upset with you. Firstly, it's natural for fights/little arguments to happen between friends, so just go with the flow and don't worry about it until a problem does arise. As for them leaving you, your friends will do what they want to. If they're true friends to you, they won't abandon you. If they do eventually leave you, then they aren't that good of a friend anyways. Circumstances change and people change, so again, it's not in your hands. It's natural for some people to get more easily attached than others, so you just have to try to get a control on your feelings, your fears, and know that things will happen as they happen: you can't predict, so don't spend too much time worrying.

There's this quote that I read many, many years ago that has stayed with me since: "The disappointments hardest to bear are those which never come." You might worry and worry, but your fears may never even come true; ultimately, it will be your anxiety that is the most painful. Keep that in mind. Good luck with everything, and I hope this helped!