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Bitter about my sexuality?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Kyle Hemsworth, Jun 15, 2013.

  1. Kyle Hemsworth

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Manhattan, New York City
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi all! I just joined EC today, and am looking forward to meeting new people and making friends. I think my time here will be well spent, and will help me greatly in general. If anyone ever feels the need to talk to someone, just contact me. I assure you I'm a great listener and will give advice when I can :slight_smile:

    Now, I do have something I'd like to get your 2 cents on, since its been bothering me for awhile. I know that doesn't sound great, but its true. I'm 16, a guy, and hoping to come out to my parents soon (that'll be a separate post). That'll be scary of course, but I'm confident they will accept me and love me. I get good vibes about LGBT from them anyhow. As for my friends, I go to school in the liberal bubble of NYC, where homophobia is mostly out of fashion, and I'm not worried about rejection in that situation. Bullying is pretty much non-existant and the worst I've ever heard is the occasional "that's gay". I'm totally sure of and confident in my sexuality. I've never been homophobic (interally or otherwise). However, recently I've been extremely bitter about the cards I've been dealt, so to speak.

    It wasn't something I chose. It will place strain and the fear of eventual rejection on every friendship I develop in the future, it will make it harder for me to relate to even the most accepting straight friends and family members, it will make me lose out on experiences that other high schoolers get to enjoy (prom, group dating, etc.) , it could possibly affect my ambition to land a high-power, high-salary job, it will make it more difficult to get married, and if I choose to have a child it is scientifically impossible for that child to be the genetic combination of me and my partner (and no, a female relative of my partner DOESN'T count as my partner). I have absolutely zero interest in gay pride, despite the fact that I love myself and will have the support of those around me.

    Anyone else ever feel this way? Advice?
     
  2. Corradino

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi Kyle,

    I think what you are experiencing is natural. I certainly went through that stage myself, even feeling guilt that I couldn't have children so my parents could be grandparents etc. Just accept these feelings and let them drop.

    If friends can't accept you being gay, then they are the ones with the problems and certainly not you. I don't see how you feel you will be missing out on proms etc. I think if you went with a guy to your prom that would be AWESOME. Likewise gay group dating sounds like fun.

    Same applies for your job. What you can achieve in the workplace has absolutely nothing to do with who you sleep with (look at politicians!).

    I love gay pride, but felt like you did at first. It's not for everyone and that's all fine.

    I'd take a deep breath and let the world wash over you.

    Jon x
     
  3. AKTodd

    Full Member

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    Well, let's see here...

    Everyone has a least one thing (usually several) that they didn't choose about themselves. Starting with their parents and moving on from there. This is true regardless of your orientation. Anyone who would reject you for your orientation isn't a real friend to begin with. I've been out for over 20yrs now and have yet to lose a friendship (new or established) due to being gay. And I've never lived anywhere as accepting as NYC.

    Unless you've also been straight at some point in your life, I'm not sure how you can know this to be true. What are you thinking you will have a harder time relating to them about? Even if this is true, you will presumably develop friendships with other LGBT people as well and can relate to them on whatever these matters are that are harder to relate to with straight people. I have a wide range of friends and we relate to each other about different things. I have friends who love sci-fi like I do and others who totally don't like it but like other things I do like. Life surrounded only by people who are just like us is boring.

    In NYC? If things are as liberal as you earlier described for your school and peer group, I'm honestly rather surprised that you would be the first/only same-sex couple at your school prom. And why can't you go on a group date with a guy? Again, you've earlier implied that your friends will all be fine with you being gay. So why wouldn't they be fine with this?

    There are gay CEOs, gay politicians, gay military officers, gay actors and singers, and pretty much gay everything else. I've worked for two Fortune 100 companies and currently work for a Fortune 500 company. Most of my friends work for Fortune 100 companies. All but one of them provide(d) benefits to same-sex partner or spouses and have non-discrimination policies that cover orientation. I've also worked for a major company where one of the top VPs was openly gay. My current employer provides services to a lot of the largest companies on the planet (10,000 employees is a small client by our standards). Nearly all of them provide same-sex benefits. And the current trend seems to be that this will just get better for gay people.

    In my experience, in the business world (at least the big corporate world) people care about how good of a job you do and how well you play the game of building and maintaining relationships (or play politics I suppose). Who you like to sleep with doesn't much concern them. Are there some major employers where being gay could be an issue? Yes, but not a whole lot in comparison to the much larger number where people either won't care or will be expecting you to bring your boyfriend/husband to the company holiday party.

    Getting married is currently harder for LGBT people, but that has changed a lot recently and more change is probably on the way. If you want to help make positive change in this area come even faster, I'd suggest becoming active in groups that promote marriage equality. By the time you're at the point of being able/wanting to get married it could no longer be a problem for you.

    My best friend and her husband discovered many years ago that they couldn't have children. It did cause them some pain and heartache for quite a while. And then they turned to adoption and eventually had their son, who is the light of their lives (I'm "Uncle Todd" :grin:). Gay people aren't the only ones who can't have children, but there are options and in my experience when you look down at your child, the exact source of their origins will probably turn out to mean little or nothing to you.

    Not sure if you've ever been to a pride event. Some people like em, some don't.

    As far as advice: Being bitter is expending time and energy on something that ends up doing nothing for you except making you unhappy. I'd suggest that you take that energy and turn it toward making your life the best it can be in everything you do. Not everything is going to turn out exactly the way you plan or want (doesn't matter what your orientation is), but you can do the best you can to get as close as you can to your ideal. And having a positive outlook on things makes doing that a lot easier than feeling unhappy and bitter.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  4. Ptolemy

    Regular Member

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    Welcome Kyle,

    First I think you should give yourself a pat on the back. You are accepting yourself and dealing with some painful emotions at a young age. It takes courage to do that. :eusa_clap I did not deal with it until a few months ago and I'm 10 years older than you.

    Those same questions of certain hardships really eat away at me, especially not being able to have a family the way I really wanted to. This issue of family and children still deeply bothers me. Yet, the most important thing to remember is never allow bitterness or anger to dominate the way you feel. They will only exhuast you and drain away your zest for life. Feel these emotions when they come, but try to disempower them bit by bit.

    Be thankful for the good things you have in life each day. Being straight may be easier in many ways, but each person has some kind of struggle in life. You are going have many hard days, but even be thankful for those, for as you overcome each hardship it makes you stronger. (God I'm starting to turn into Yoda, eeeeeeem Be strong you must!) Anyway, use what you are feeling and learning to bring more compassion and love into the world instead of being bitter. You are young, look forward to each new day as you grow up. Life can be a real bitch (excuse the language, but it's true), but it is also a wonderful adventure.

    Oh another thing, laugh whenever you can!