Hi everyone. So I have a problem with myself that has been giving me some issues...actually several problems. I feel like I have no confidence in myself anymore. I spoke about it with my parents and I'm wondering if I should see someone because I feel as though me just trying to tell myself I'm awesome and such just won't work. Especially given I've been doing so, telling myself you are <first name> effing <last name> and you don't take shit from anyone but the fact is everything that has happened in the past in high school and university (losing friends, being picked on, etc) it may have eventually gotten to me. Plus the amount of rejections on online dating sites like a certain fishy one by almost all the guys in my city and in the city I used to live in too. I just feel like I'm not worth much anymore. Please note, I do not feel suicidal, I do not want to take my life because I have my career to live for and couldn't bare to hurt my parents or friends by doing that. Plus there's so much more to see in this world. But it just feels like nothing works in my favour or at least almost nothing. But I almost can't seem to even let awesome things not help boost my confidence. I win runner-up for Beat Reporter of the Year, Converged Citizen (school paper) and Radio Reporter of the Year, and then I win Video Editor of the Year, Photojournalist of the Year and Journalist of the Year but all I wind up doing is thinking about the awards I didn't win. I've also started my own photo business and while I totally am not expecting people to just be lining up, I find myself getting jealous of one of my friends who started around the same time and keeps posting about photoshoots she has. Or getting jealous just because this other person got to host one of our live tv news shows first before I got to because I'm the one who really wants to do television news yet she got to do it first...But same time I am proud of them but there's still the underlying feeling of jealousy. And then there's relationships. I find myself wanting, almost craving, a relationship every day. I find myself dreaming of finding a great guy, whether bumping into him or meeting him at a restaurant and in turn I'm living through reading about other gay couples or watching YouTube videos and just wishing that was me...Before you say it though I know I don't need a relationship to feel whole, but because of where my confidence is, it's like a subconscious feeling or something. I want it to feel whole even though I know I need to become a whole person, confident in myself, etc before I'll be able to have a great relationship. I've had six but all were failures because I was sort of using them to supplement what I was missing. Sorry for the extremely long post but really, can anyone help me figure out some way of improving myself. Should I find a psychologist or counsellor (OSAP, the student loans service we have in Ontario would pay for it because I have Asperger's and thus could get the disabilities bursary which pays for things like counselling so money isn't necessarily the issue but finding a good psychologist obviously is) or is there something else I can do? Hope to hear from some people...
Speaking to someone is always a good way just to gain some more perspective, so I would recommend at least a trial run. I think you may be looking for satisfaction in the wrong places. Unfortunately, our society has emphasized that personal success is measured by looks, wealth, and notoriety. For the vast majority of us, we could never hope to attain success in that sense. So we turn to relationships with others. Obviously, you're quite lonely (which is understandable and relatable to pretty much any LGBT person). And you'll just have to hang in there for a bit on that front. But I think if you went out and volunteered and made even a small, positive difference in someone's life (at a soup kitchen, or with big brother/big sister, or something like that), your life would gain renewed value. I think the focus of your sub-conscious on your negative past experiences would shift, increasing your own sense of self-worth. Hope this helps, and hang in there!
Anyone else? Stray, thank-you for the advice, I will work on perhaps doing one of the things you suggest.
I think that you may be shooting yourself in the foot a bit, both by focusing on other's successes at the expense of your own and letting the search for a relationship become too much of thing. There will always be someone who is doing a little better than you (and even if there isn't it sounds like you may be actively creating them to some degree). It takes time to find a good relationship (I was 27 before I found mine). Go and live a good life and be happy for what you accomplish and let a relationship be the icing on the cake, not the whole reason for your existence. Talking to someone about all this certainly couldn't hurt. Hope this helps, Todd
Buddy you sound like your whinning about a whole lot of nothing. Your in school, on your way to a decent career, live in a tolerant country and a decent sized metro area. Just put yourself out there. Dating sites especially when it comes to homosexuals are mainly for hook-ups. I honestly don't know how you can have no self confidence there are many people in crappier situations who made crappier life choices. I am two years younger than you, never went to post-secondary, am working a dead-end job, consider myself a complete fucking loser, hate the way I look, hate the way I act....etc and I still managed to find someone; who by the way is too good for me. I virtually have no worthy future and would be borderline homeless if my parents weren't partially supporting me. You can find someone, if a nothing like me can you can. So self-confidence is no excuse, I literally have so little self confidence that I can come off as pompous and cocky because I want nothing to do with other people out of fear of being judged.
Thanks guys (excluding WooEEE) for the advice, I'll take your suggestions into consideration. WooEEE, making this about you isn't helping your own case. I'm glad you found someone but keeping him will be difficult if you wind up telling him time and time again how he's too good for you, that just pisses guys off. But yeah, telling me I'm whining is not what I asked for, so keep it to yourself thanks.
