Hey. So, recently I have been thinking, and I'm really not sure if I should pursue a life as an openly homosexual guy. My family members are against it, and so is everyone that I know. I really hope that's it's not wrong, but I feel like coming out ever would just destroy my relationships with my parents. A lot of people have told me that I should wait until after college to come out, but I really don't want to lose the relationships with my parents. And if I can't tell my parents, I don't think that I could date a guy without them eventually finding out. And, honestly, l don't think I could ever meet another gay guy I like. And, I wouldn't be able to experience the things that most couples do, like holding hands on the beach or something like that. And, it seems like our relationship would never be accepted by the general public. So, I'm thinking about either just not dating anyone at all or marrying a girl. I don't really want to, but it would be so much better than the daily suffering I would experience if I was out. What should I do? I would be a complete outcast to my family if they knew and that would make me miserable. I could never be happy if all the people that I love rejected me.
That's why, usually, waiting until you are independent of your parents is often a consulted strategy. Patience for safety's sake never hurt anyone. Let me be honest in telling you, not dating someone is much more bliss than trying to date someone while you're closeted; don't think that you NEED to be in a relationship yet. Sure, you'll have the single-life doldrums and sorrows--the pain would only intensify if you tried to date someone, went through a break-up, or were found out. IT IS BEST TO BE OUT BEFORE PULLING SOMEONE ELSE INTO THE CLOSET WITH YOU. And, what makes you think you'll have to get married to a woman? You'll hurt more people than just yourself if you try to live a life you know is false, and it will make you only miserable. You are young, and have a full life ahead of you. Like I already said, patience is your best bet at this point.
I guess I would just ask you are you happy now? You would be basically keeping the status quo of your life as it currently exists and it it doesn't sound like "going straight" would really fix any of the problems at hand. Your emotional health may suffer if you "go straight" since you will constantly be suppressing something. I am sure there are some older and more experienced members of this community who could give you information about what it is like to marry a woman while suppressing the idea and knowledge that they are gay. I think knowingly entering into such a relationship is unfair to your would be wife. I am not trying to criticize you, but asking you to consider the other party. Since you're 17 I don't think you have to make a permanent decision one way or the other. A lot of people enjoy college because they begin to get a true sense of who they are and where they wish to go in life. You'll be away from the reins of your parents and your old life. You'll meet new people who you may come to love and will love you back for who you are, regardless of your sexuality. Do non-heterosexual couples have it harder than their counterparts? I would be lying if I didn't say yes. Discrimination and prejudice will always exist as long as man is still walking this earth. Things are not static though. In general, people are becoming more accepting and understanding of gay couples especially among the younger generation. This change doesn't just miraculously occur; instead, the younger generation is growing up knowing and seeing more lgbt individual people and couples. Change usually takes a little prodding by someone for it to begin to occur. Is there anyone you know who you could come out to? It sounds like there might be a little personal acceptance problem that needs to be addressed. It is cliché, but you have to learn to love yourself before others can love you. How will your parents react if and when you tell them. I do not know. Sometimes people react differently when the issue is no longer "over there", but rather right in front of them. If there is a big chance they will react badly wait until you are financially independent before doing anything. Even if you do tell them and they react poorly it doesn't mean that is the position they will always hold. I know someone who has been married to his husband for more than twenty years. His spouse's parents refused to come to the wedding, didn't endorse it, nor had they contacted him when they found out he was gay and getting married. I'm sure his husband felt hurt by the actions of his parents. Yet, he found people who loved him for who he was and he was truly happy without having to hide anything. This past fall both he and his husband went out of state to visit the parents. Earlier that year the parents had called to apologize for the way they treated their son and his husband, and they wanted the two of them to come visit and stay in their house. Those parents probably realized that this wasn't some phase their son was going through. He was really gay and married to another guy. A realization probably set in over the years that they were only getting older and their time was limited. Their main goal was to see their son happy and he was. His happiness translated into their happiness and acceptance. People can change. It can be hard to disappoint our parents when we veer outside the path they have lined up for us in their head. It doesn't mean the new path YOU chose is bad or they won't eventually endorse it. You're young and have a good chunk of life ahead of you. Luckily, you don't have to figure this out tonight. Do some serious thinking and ask yourself the question from above: Are you truly happy living how you are now? Would you be willing to suppress a part of who you are just so others will accept their version of you? Suppressing anything for a long time is an unhealthy and potentially dangerous game to play. I know from firsthand experience. I was scared and still am scared, but I am at least a little bit happier now that I eventually came out. If anything, keep talking to us for it is much healthier than bottling it up.
