Does anyone else feel that if you like the op sex romantically And the same sex sexually that therapists at least tend to Try to get you to clear up intimacy problems with your homosexual side rather Than being interested in poss blocks to expressing Your sexual part with the op sex?
A good therapist will help you find what's right for you, without pushing one agenda. The problem with this romantic-vs-sexual business is that there's no basis in sound psychological theory for it; it's essentially a way of putting a label on either confusion or denial, so using that label tends to just either leave people stuck in an unsolvable problem or leave them confused, and that's why most therapists will work with their clients to find out what their true orientation is. But a good therapist will help you be introspective, without leading you in one direction or another.
This is not an area of expertise for me, but I read an article which made an impression on me that described 4 outcomes of therapy regarding this situation, as described in the OP, and this was 1 of the 4 outcomes listed in the medical or psychological write-up.
There's a huge difference between outcomes and process. The desired outcome of any therapy is for the client to be happy, be able to live fully and wholeheartedly, and feel good about him/herself. No competent therapist is going to push any particular agenda, because a client won't be happy with the outcome, in the long term, if it something they're pushed (subtly or directly) into, rather than something they arrive at after introspection self-evaluation, and considering the possibilities. Of course there can be therapies of varying success depending on the skill of the therapist and the readiness and willingness of the client to do the work necessary for the therapy to be successful. So undesirable outcomes are quite possible.. but needn't be the case for anyone willing to dig in and do the necessary work.
Thanks for the very interesting responses. Sometimes I feel that if there IS a choice possible, You should be seeking some comfort in making it. Andrew Sullivan said he had no reason to doubt that for some there is a choice, Though he felt that probably there isn't a choice in most cases. I feel it may be that many nominally hetero Men may have made a choice and that they may be quite ok with it. I always say though that having never been inside another persons head, I really have no idea what the real picture is!
Well, it seems to me that it's easier to repress or force romantic attraction rather than sexual attraction. I've heard of many people who've evolved from heteroromantic homosexual to homoromantic homosexual, but I haven't heard of anyone going from heteroromantic homosexual to heteroromantic hetero or bisexual. Very often, heteroromantic homosexuals are repressing their homoromantic feelings and forcing heteroromantic feelings.
I really don't know if that's true.... ---------- Post added 5th Jul 2013 at 11:12 PM ---------- I think u have a right to what I perceive as enjoyable situations, notwithstanding PC bullshit!!!!!!!
Actually, that's a very accurate assessment. I was talking with a friend tonight who basically said that he feels the heteroromantic/homosexual and homoromantic/heterosexual labels are, to a large degree, the latest version of the 80s and 90s way of labeling oneself "bisexual" as a bridge to being comfortable with "gay." (Which is not to say that real bisexuals don't exist, only that many people use that label as a bridge.) As long as people attach to those labels with the understanding that there's little scientific or empirical basis for them, and that they are most likely transitional, then I see no harm in them. When people use them as justification to stop their process of self-understanding and exploration, then they run the risk of getting stuck in the "bargaining' phase of the acceptance process, which isn't a very happy place to be stuck.
This is a very interesting subject for me. I am in exactly the same situation. I have been married for many years though I definitely know that I am gay and have been all of my life. When I was younger I forced sex with my wife and thought of other things in my head. I was sure though that having become religious that God would help me and cure me. I also wanted children badly. However she became pregnant and had a miscarriage and never wanted children after that. So here I am a sad old gay man. After many years I began seeing men again I am very happy with my situation at this time. I see another married guy in the same situation and it works out well. Except that to get to this point I picked up something which I posted about in another thread. My dr thinks it is syphillis but the first test came back negative. So Monday I will have another test and they will also do all other test hiv etc. Anyway I want to stay with her and have my guy on the side and so does he. I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday as well I need help with rationalizing my situation. It will be interesting to see what he has to say. If any of you have any thoughts or suggestions for me I would be very interested in what you have to say. At first I thought I would leave her but after I came out to her she is pretty happy with a don't ask don't tell situation.
For me this morning some of the above sounds moralistic More than helpful. Not sure about people's motives..
How long has it been since you told her? If she is really comfortable, then that's a fine arrangement. But it may also be that she feels like she really doesn't have much choice: either accept you as you are and let you have an "open marriage", or not have a marriage at all. If it's the latter, she may be taking a big hit to her own self-esteem. I'd suggest that she should also get therapy and maybe the two of you should go to some sessions together. (Each of you should have a separate therapist, and either meet with both therapists if you're going together, or have a third therapist that only sees the two of you together. That way, neither of you will feel "ganged up on" by the other.) It is possible for open relationships to work, but if you care about her, it's also really important that her needs and self-esteem not take a back seat to your need to express who you really are sexually. On a separate note: You may feel differently, but if your boyfriend (or whatever you call him) is not out to his wife, I, personally, would not feel comfortable being in any sort of relationship or even hookup with him. Think for a moment if the roles were reversed, and you and your wife were in a relationship, which you assumed was loving and committed... and your wife was off having sex with another woman, regularly, without telling you. How would you feel? If you are honest with yourself... you'd realize that you'd feel like complete crap if your wife did that to you. And so would the wife of the guy you're seeing. So, personally, I would not be able to be a major contributor to someone else's pain, and would not feel comfortable being in that sort of setting.
