Hi everyone, This is step one, I guess. I'll just see where this goes. I grew up in a very conservative area in the Midwest, and until going to college had never even known a gay/bi person my age (that was out), let alone thought that I could be gay or bi, or whatever. Last September, I moved to Chicago for college, and it has been life changing. The trouble started in January, though. My roommate's girlfriend started coming over every weekend, and one time I walked in the room after they had had sex, saw their clothes strewn on the floor and two bodies barely covered by sheets, and started convulsing uncontrollably. I ended up breaking my phone in what I would later identify as jealous rage. In February, I figured out I was bisexual, or something. All I really know is that I'm not straight. What happened is I went to lie down, and my roommate and his girlfriend thought I was asleep. I was not. They decided to have sex (we had a bunk bed), and I lay there, paralyzed, for a long while before I could summon the strength to move. I had only figured it out like a week beforehand, and was really not at all accepting of it. I grew up believing some pretty horrible things about not being straight (and retrospectively, my self-denial piled even more hate on), but the possibility of that happening again scared me into coming out to my friends and family. Everyone who is important in my life knows now, and they've been supportive and caring. My roommate (the first person I really told) was unfazed, and said he wanted to room with me the next year still (I politely declined). Anyway, the support from my friends and family has been nice but largely ineffective. I knew that the people around me wouldn't have a problem with it. But what I found is that I have a problem with it. See, I hate stereotypes more than anything else, because they're a (false/invalid) basis for discrimination. All my life, I've tried to 'break the mold,' not to be a rebel or anything but to broaden my own horizons as well as others. Since figuring out I'm bisexual (and even before then), I've shied away from a lot of the things that I grew up learning are associated with non-straight people. Unfortunately, those things mean a lot to me and are really important--I pride myself on my writing, and I really enjoy theater. Since February, I've found it really hard to enjoy those activities, really hard to do them at all. Almost everything that mattered to me in the past has lost meaning or lost enjoyment. I used to be very focused and determined, with a clear idea of where I was headed, even if I didn't know exactly how I would get there. But now I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, I have no idea who I am. I feel like I still haven't made any progress towards accepting myself, and it's been really really rough. I had a recording class that I nearly failed because I hate the sound of my voice so much because over the years it's been the "canary in the coal mine" so to speak and that bothers the hell out of me. A couple of weeks ago I tried to go up to Boys Town, but waves of fear and worry swamped me and only went away after I left (I did not last long). I worry that I will not be able to reach out for the support I need and will be stuck like this forever. I know that "it gets better" but I don't really believe it. I don't really see much of anything to strive for anymore, my dreams largely evaporated in February with my new discovery. I feel so out of place and alone, and I don't understand what I can do to feel better. I've tried all the advice I've been given but nothing really helps. I'm at home for the summer, and being back in my hometown is making matters far worse for me. My family knows and all but I'm still haunted by the ghosts of my past. I know that it's silly and I should let it go but I can't find the energy to banish the ghosts. I went to Boys Town hoping to get my feet wet at a community center up there, just to get myself used to the idea. I need to talk to others who have been through similar experiences but I can't bring myself to do that even. So, uh, here I am. Even building up the courage to post this is draining me. Any words of wisdom would be really helpful. P.S. My roommate and his girlfriend were very understanding, and we set up a mutually respected schedule for the room, that was successful for the rest of the year.
I'm interested in what you say about hating stereotypes...in what way do writing and theater belong only to a gay or bi stereotype? I kept myself in the closet for many years based on the assumption that I was unique and above all this coming-out business. I wasn't...and I had to learn that some stereotypical behaviour is going to happen, regardless of who I am. I had to go through the typical business of "coming to terms with my sexuality", a phrase I have heard so often that I loathed it and couldn't possibly accept that it also applied to me. Sometimes it takes courage just to react normally to a "stereotypical" condition, such as discovering one's sexuality.
I wouldn't focus on those stereotypes. You are who you are. I think some people see those things as 'markers' or 'signs' stamped on them that say 'I'm gay.' I think those feelings come when we don't expect who we are. I have accepted who I am, but I will also say I haven't had to courage to come out (which, imo, is probably the best order to go). Just understand that those things don't identify you with a particular sexual orientation. There are plenty of straight men and women who enjoy the same things and interests that gay men and women do (even things that may be considered 'gay stereotypes'). I know you've heard "it gets better," but that's not a trite saying, it's true. At least, in my experience. You simply have to come to terms with who you are. I used to feel the same as you. I would sit outside and think about myself (I'm a very introverted person, but still get along with people quite well). I would worry and ache about myself. Being bisexual (and closeted so no one knows except my boyfriend, of course), I once told myself "You'll be happy with only women." But there was no girl around I wanted (in fact, for the longest time, I thought I might be asexual or perhaps I thought that was better than admitting I liked men too). I realized that I'd be hiding a part of myself and there comes a point where you truly are happier that you've accepted yourself. What you're feeling, if it's anything like me, is that there's a part of your identity you don't feel comfortable with. And this part of you won't go away. I hope this helps and that I didn't wrongly interpret what you were saying.
Thanks to both of you for your kind replies. I appreciate the advice a lot, and yeah I know that those things aren't only gay/bi activities. But for some reason I don't want people to think that I'm gay or bi like just off the bat, I want them to have to ask. I am who I am, but I don't want to fit neatly into people's stereotyped LGBT niche. I think it has to do with hating where I grew up (something I hated long before I realized anything about my sexual identity) and more than anything else wanting those people to be wrong. When I take steps towards being who I am, I hear the past being vindicated, the parts of the past that I most desperately want to be wrong about everything. I really want to accept myself, and I think for the most part I already do, but it's tough to *be* myself because of this pain. I know that by not being myself I'm letting them keep me unhappy even though they aren't in my life anymore--but I guess I'm holding a grudge. I have no idea how to let that grudge go, though, because my life is pretty rough right now and I've no idea what steps I can take to make it better right now. I guess that's what I'm asking for help on. And again, you both have already been helpful, thank you.
Sardonic, first let me say thank you for finding the energy and opening up to us. My second comment is you do write very well. Like you yourself have acknowledged and others above, acceptance seems to be a major theme. You mentioned your past seems to be holding you back, but is there any specific person or experience that resonates strongly with you? Is there a certain experience that keeps popping up in your head? If you have a spare moment try grabbing a sheet of paper and drawing a line down the middle. Make a list of your interests before you came out to yourself. Once that is completed make a list of the interests that you currently like since you've discovered you aren't straight. This list shouldn't be the things you find the energy to do; rather, the things on the list are those that mean a lot to you. I reckon you will probably find the two columns are almost identical if they aren't exactly the same. Try to bear in mind that your interests existed long before you realization and it's not because of who you are that makes you like theater, writing, or whatever it is you love to do. Those passions which you have are the things that compose you and make you into the son, brother, nephew, cousin, and friend that people love. Your continued suppression of the things which for you into the great guy you is handicapping you. Did people back home criticize and make fun of you for the interests that you love which you are now shying away from? I'm just inferring given the information that came to light in your second post. I could be entirely wrong which wouldn't be the first time, but I thought I would give it a go. With all that being said, I can relate to the idea of not wanting to fit into the "stereotype". When I first came out I was constantly worried over whether this or that action would be perceived as "gay". I wanted to be part of the crowd and for people to treat me the same. I would look at myself in the mirror and think "Does this shirt make me look gay?". At night I would lay down in bed and go over the day in my mind and replay conversations I had in my head. I was constantly worrying over whether someone would notice or not. It slowly does get better with time. My first year in college was rough for me academically because my roommate didn't know for the first couple of months and all I wanted were friends so I was too fearful that my sexuality would inhibit that desire. My grades weren't the best and I often couldn't concentrate long on classwork. If you take anything out of this garble of (hopefully) cohesive words take solace in the fact that you are not alone. It is easy to dig oneself into the hole of loneliness something I know all too well. So I hope this forum can help you get out of that hole. If you can't climb out then you better make room because I will be going down to keep you company.
I did what you said, with a quick excel chart. You make a good point. Thanks a bunch =) and about the criticizing the things I did, that's a yes as well. I spent the first 9 years of school at a private school, and I left ASAP for a public high school. I was told the things I cared about were weird and horrible. The middle school was all-boys (the idiot who thought that was a good idea deserves a posthumous whack on the head) and that list doesn't include SportsCenter or Megan Fox, or anything else typical children give a damn about. I was the kid who would force their family to turn off lights for Earth Day, watch the History Channel and CNBC for fun, and go look at stocks during recess. In summary, I have not spoken a word to a single person from that school since the day I left. Apart from the other self-esteem problems that caused, I think you're right in the sense that I took pride in my different-ness. When I started to do online gaming, I got people asking me if I was gay or a girl, and I remember telling them, quite clearly, I always took a cheery disposition, but it drove me nuts. I think one of the biggest single bad memories I had was walking into a phone store like 2 and a half years ago to pick up a phone. I had no real need for an expensive smart phone and so I decided to get a really cheap phone, but with certain requirements my parents put on there (texting capability + full keyboard, a few other things I can't remember) Well, the cheapest phone that I could find was the "palm pixi" or whatever. The store manager made some comment to the effect of "with a phone like that you must be gay" or something of the sort. I don't remember exactly what he said but I do remember laughing, having to reassure him that I was in fact straight, getting into the car, and having a crying fit afterwards because I was so sick of people labelling me as something I'm not.
Thanks for the excel chart! It looks so much neater than what I would've done on a piece of paper....but enough about my inability to draw straight lines. Hopefully once your made your list you saw that the self-realization of you not being straight hasn't changed a thing. You are exactly the same person you were person; however, you are now being honest with yourself. Your sexuality is one small part of a very great machine. The people from your past were wrong. They were flat out incorrect. Your passions, hobbies, and interests are not weird or horrible nor are they "un-straight activities". You were liking all those things before you had an inkling of doubt regarding your sexuality. Think of all the individuals that work on or with Wall Street. If a person came up to me and said they worked at Goldman Sachs I would be pretty impressed and have tremendous a tremendous amount of respect for them. I'm guessing you probably know more people who take an interest in looking at stocks, technology, money, and those other activities you enjoy. If anything, you were more mature and conscientious of the real world than they were back then. I personally never understood the amount of SportsCenter people watch but that's another story for another time. People who question you when you started to do online gaming and videos games need to get there heads checked out. That is a huge industry and it is definitely not restricted to the "gay" world. In order to better accept yourself you have to let this part of your past go. Use the frustration from your past to help propel you forward. Like you said, you haven't talked to any of those people since the day you left. The aren't in your life anymore. You are essentially giving their memories the power. You have control over whether you give or take that power away from them. You don't have to yank it away from them in one fell swoop, but you should begin to grab a hold of it. From the list you made it seems that theater is one of the bigger things that has declined since you came out to yourself? Before you had your self-realization what made theater so enjoyable for you? Why did you like it and what did you feel when you were in class, in a production, learning about it, etc.? Honestly, that store manager was completely out of line. Whether he was being serious or meant it as a joke that is no way to behave in a customer service business like that. He definitely crossed the line there and I am truly sorry. Are there a lot of these moments (the store manager and the middle school experience) that keep surfacing in your thoughts and hold you back? Instead of thinking about your personality or interests have gotten you labeled or teased, think about the happiness and joy they've brought you.
Theater was something that's been a part of my life since elementary school. We had required plays in each grade in elementary school as part of a program to ensure good public speaking and interpersonal communication skills. I did very well, and it was what made me shine when I was young, much more than anything else. It was something I kept doing throughout middle school, although it cost me a lot emotionally, and I did it even in high school -- I did tech, but with all my experience in acting I basically did whatever needed to be done, and it felt really good to have mastery and respect for it, as well as belonging to a group of people who voluntarily did theater for the first time. After sophomore year I had a surgery on my tailbone that marooned me at home for almost a year, so I left the high school and the theater programs. I gained a lot of weight during that year or so, and still haven't managed to shed it (I just started being able to rid myself of it moving to Chicago, 60 pounds down and like 100 to go). That really took the wind out of my sails and reshuffled my priorities. I guess I'm just really sick and tired of all this change in my life. I know its normal but I feel like I don't have a base, a home, a center. I'm not anchored to anything, because as soon as I start to get to the point where I am the world just destroys what I built. I felt really supported and cared about by my roommate, and that helped me so much in the fall... and just as I got comfortable with the idea that people could be nice and see an actual value in me as me, not just some use I had to them, my world was flipped up side down again with all this new stuff. I think its not so much residual memories pulling me back, but the attitude towards sexuality that I take. I'm very closed about it. Even now, I find it hard to talk about with my friends and family, even after telling them that I'm bisexual. <--- Just writing those three words took a bit of effort, and I had a lot of hesitation. I know it's not something to be ashamed of, but I've been so conditioned to protect myself from being humiliated by others that I'm scared to let people know, even though it's ridiculous. It's almost as if uttering the words could bring someone from my past to my front door to berate me.
