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Girlfriend says she won't ever come out???

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by CompletelyLost, Jun 23, 2013.

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  1. CompletelyLost

    CompletelyLost
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    Hello,
    I'm really confused about what to do. I've been with my girlfriend for about 9 months now, this is a first relationship for both of us (age 20) so there has been a lot of learning. Anyway, I try not to bring up labels and stuff, because I know it's hard for her to accept she's a lesbian. I'm not completely out, a few friends/ family know. I'm pretty sure everyone knows but we don't say anything, including her family. So we were talking today and she says she will never come out, I will always be her 'friend' to everyone else. I understand in terms of at her place of work she wouldn't want to advertise it. I'm not completely ready to be 'out' yet, but I do hope to get there eventually.

    Is it selfish of me to ask her to eventually come out? Do people change their minds about staying 'in the closet' forever?

    I think she is saying it now because she's so scared, but she's adamant she'll never change her mind. I love her and can wait as long as she needs, but is there any point?

    Thank you for any advice :confused:
     
    #1 CompletelyLost, Jun 23, 2013
  2. Unsurevirgin

    Unsurevirgin Guest

    Try friends first bc of support system and have her save money and move out then come out when u both are fiancally stable
     
    #2 Unsurevirgin, Jun 23, 2013
  3. coming out

    coming out Guest

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    Personally I've been in the closet forever, but then again I have not been in a relatenship. I wouldn't push it. Or sweat the small stuff. Only we ourself can know when to comeout. Forever is a long time. Have patience , and enjoy your relatenship together. That's what really matters and enjoy life to its fullest.
     
    #3 coming out, Jun 23, 2013
  4. Candace

    Candace
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    The question I have is....in the closet to whom? I'd say to not sweat it and give her some time more to accept who she is first. Then work from them. The best of luck to you both :slight_smile:
     
    #4 Candace, Jun 23, 2013
  5. dreamcatcher

    dreamcatcher
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    It's not selfish of you at all for wanting your gf to come out. My gf used to get a bit upset bc I was more closeted than she was. I was too afraid to tell most people and self concious about what others would think. She was understanding but felt frustratdd and said she would wait. I decided to make the effort because I love her and have come out more. I think that if you talk to her about it, in a loving nonjudgemental way she will understand and hopefully make an effort. Im sure it will take her some time but all good things are worth the wait :slight_smile:
     
    #5 dreamcatcher, Jun 23, 2013
  6. Chip

    Chip
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    A relationship where one party is closeted and the other is out isn't healthy, in the long term, for the out person. You end up marginalized and devalued, because you have to be largely invisible. So far from being selfish, it's setting a healthy boundary for youreslf to want your partner to come out.

    That said, it can take time... and I wouldn't put much stock in the "I'll never change my mind" thing because I know lots of people that have said that... and have changed their minds. :slight_smile:

    I think it's important to discuss it and set realistic milestones... 3 months, 6 months, a year... for her to take steps toward coming out. Perhaps the first of those steps is to get therapy. But in the long run, it isn't fair to you, nor healthy for you, for her to stay closeted forever, and I'd suggest making that clear to her and negotiating fair boundaries... or, if she's adamant, start thinking about ending the relationship.
     
    #6 Chip, Jun 23, 2013
  7. mwaffles

    mwaffles
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    I think you should talk to her about that, but just don't push it a lot. Just support her. If you guys last, I bet she wouldn't like to be closeted forever and not introduce you or anything like that.

    Talk to her, it's the best option, but if she is not ready, she is not ready. But you guys have to eventually come out.
     
    #7 mwaffles, Jun 24, 2013
  8. CompletelyLost

    CompletelyLost
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    Thanks everyone :slight_smile: I am very willing to wait as long as she needs, but she said she will never come out. I'm just worried that I'll keep waiting and it'll jus get harder. Does anyone never come out when in a relationship? Her best friend knows and I'm pretty sure her parents know (but the haven't discussed it). It is pretty obvious.
     
    #8 CompletelyLost, Jun 24, 2013
  9. Chip

    Chip
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    A friend was in a relationship for 2+ years with a guy who really didn't want to come out. They would set milestones and the guy would agree at the time... and then just not do them when it came time. They ended up breaking up because it just wasn't healthy for the "out" one. That's why i said you have to get "buy in" and agreement to work on it. If you don't get that... you really need to think about finding a healthier relationship.
     
    #9 Chip, Jun 24, 2013
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