Hi everyone, This is kinda of a downer but I'm in this spiritual community that seems to be hardcore, "you're born a female so you're female or vice versa." A lot of things, probably everything they come up with is centered around it..even crackpot ideas of aggressiveness and receptivity (I'm sure you can guess who gets which). Because of this I was conflicted for a long time on top surgery. However, I've finally made up my conscious mind, and I even had a dream telling me that it's OK to finally go ahead with it, knowing that I absolutely need a flat, masculine chest to get on with my life and live happily/comfortably with my host family in Kyoto next year, not having to worry about binders. The problem is I can't tell if I'm being sexist, seeing as many radical feminists are against the concept of ftm and mtf, saying that its conformity and a construction of the patriarchy. While i agree to some extent, I've always strongly desired a different body and the ability to change forms. I simply want a handsome male body and to be viewed as strong and more than able to play rough with other guys and get punched in the face or whatever. Of course girls have every right to play rough with guys, but Society (or at least the societies I've experienced) are so narrow and stupid about anything sensible and fair like that. I just want to be content and feel comfortable in a body. Also it seems I usually don't pass..I workout at least 3 days/wk, I've added muscles but it's never enough at least until I get a V-taper. But looking naked, it seems almost impossible cause I'd have to widen my lats and abs/obliques a lot to get the V-shape going from the hips. My shoulders are a bit wider than my hips at least, it's just filling in the middle that's harder. Also I guess my voice isn't deep at all and I need to deepen it somehow. I did try taking T a couple of times, weird things happened both times for less than a week. 1st time after a few days I was having trouble forming sentences and a nightmare that felt like a premonition, mostly regarding my voice not sounding like a voice and lots of anger, so I stopped and said I'd continue later. Few months later I take it again cause people keep disrespecting me by calling me all the female things that I'm not and these stupid chauvinistic guys I keep coming across, which they don't even care that I was only attracted to girls. So I take it I think a day after xmas for 5 days. I have these strange, unsettling dreams, strange waking experiences and decide on the 5th night to stop and see what kinda dream I get. It's completely epic when I go to sleep and i even hear the bios theme song from guilty crown with firedancing and a huge parade and yeah..So when I woke up It felt like some energy static had cleared and I was sad for a while cause My voice felt very strange and I don't know if other transguys ever experienced that or I'm just a lost cause somehow with synthetic testosterone. Anywho tldr: No one cares that I'm actually a guy inside and that I want people to treat and respect me as male. Father is a homophobic bigot idiot..mum tries very hard and I love her greatly but she sees things in a similar way to the rest of society, having a hard time with male pronouns. Friends are trying too..I don't wanna make them uncomfortable but I'm sick of being uncomfortable. And the spiritual school could care less..So I'm totally screwed until I can shapeshift or miraculously start passing. Thanks for reading, any tips and advice is greatly appreciated!
First off, don't listen to the radical feminists. Most of them hate men with a passion, and in most of their arguments are incredibly sexist against them. They hate trans people because they see transwomen as men trying to 'infiltrate' their little groups; and transmen are seen as traitors. They believe there can only be two genders, that's what their entire argument is based around. So trans people threaten that. Society will have a problem with us for the foreseeable future. Gender is so ingrained into society over hundreds of years that it will take a long time to fix it. The media, movies and television for example, portray trans people as monsters and traps. They dehumanize us because they're ignorant. Ignorance breeds fear, fear breeds anger, and anger breeds hate. It will take a long time for people to learn that we aren't inhuman. We care that you're a boy, being trans sucks and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Your dreams could mean anything but they're just dreams. It's entirely possible that you're just excited about taking testosterone and it's showing in your sleep. It will take some effort but I believe you can do it if you put your mind to it. It's not just about taking the hormones constantly and buying clothes. It's about projecting yourself as your desired gender and not letting anyone fuck with your progress. You'll get there, build your confidence. Start dressing androgynous first, work on your voice. As time goes on you'll get gender-ed correctly by strangers. Buy a binder, don't make one yourself, and wear that under your clothes. Find a new name for yourself if you don't like your current one. It can be anything! Your name is your choice, and it's not hard to change by any means. You can do this, it's great that your friends and family are trying to get you. That's more than a lot of people are willing to do and that gives you an amazing head start on the world. Just keep at it and I'm sure you'll succeed
Hey Fugs, thanks for your thoughts on the matter! I agree, which is why I'm conflicted about radical feminist views since the majority don't seem to understand trans people very well, but yeah i guess that's society itself.. What I've been learning so far (especially since i have precognitive dreams often) is that the subconscious has its own desires and didn't want me to take T. I was conflicted about it too but maybe I'll try again after top surgery. I already only buy androgynous/mens clothes and have a few binders, but 1 of em doesnt get me totally flat and its the one i use for workouts and really hot days. I think cause my pec muscles probably grew its harder to make it look flat. Birth name and preferred name are unisex too. I think I definitely look more androgynous than when I first came out though. Thanks for the encouragement, I wish you the same!
What radical feminists (and a lot of people, really) don't get is that gender identity and gender roles are different things. A tomboy is different from an FtM, even if they act the same outwardly, because their identities are different. And you can be an effeminate FtM, or a butch MtF, and your gender identity is still just as real as if you were a masculine FtM or a feminine MtF.
