I dont even know where to begin. This is my first time talking about these things to anyone other than my dad and my sister and I couldn't even say too much to them. I guess I can start off by saying I'm gay. I don't know if its possible but I feel like I was born straight. My first crushes were all girls and growing up I always wanted to get married and have kids and live a normal life. My life is far from normal now. This is really hard for me to talk about.... please don't judge me. I don't know exactly how to say this but I learned about sex at a very young age in a wrong way with the wrong person. My first sexual encounter was with a male. This person was 2 years older than me. This person was also family. I didn't make the first move but I didn't stop it either and I think that is why I hate myself so much. I looked up to this person, I trusted this person. As I got older, these encounters continued and I started to realize that what I was doing was very wrong. It was difficult to stop though. He wanted it to continue and when I tried to say no I was easily persuaded. Feeling what I was feeling at that age was like heaven. It was so hard to say no. I felt instant regret after every single encounter. One day I finally put my foot down and said never again. It was too late though. During the time the events above happened I was very confused. In elementary school I liked girls and always wanted a girlfriend but at the same time I was really attracted to guys and wanted to be intimate with a guy. Thats all it ever was though. I never wanted to be with another guy. I only wanted to be intimate with him. High school was pretty much the same thing. I talked to a lot of girls that I actually liked but was always too scared to go further with them. I always made a stupid excuse to stop talking to them. I think it was because I knew exactly how to pleasure a male but not the slightest clue about how to pleasure a female. I was scared I wouldn't get aroused enough. The last girl I ever had feelings for was in the 11th grade. That too didn't work out and I started to feel hopeless about finding a girl. These gay thoughts were ruining me and I got really depressed. After graduating I decided to block everything out and just try to live my life. for a while I was doing pretty good. I started college, made some new friends and didn't think too much about who I'm going to end up with. Then my mom died and my life turned upside fucking down. I thought I dealt with her death pretty good but now that I look back, things are not the same. I don't go out, I don't talk to my friends, I ignore every phone call and text message I get. So about 2 years after my moms death I start thinking more seriously about my sexuality. It had been a while since I talked to any girls or even saw a girl I thought was attractive but still found many guys attractive. The more I thought about it the more sense it made that I was gay. I mean even up to now I don't find any females attractive nor do I get aroused by them but the thought of having a guy to hug and hold sounds comforting to me. I realized that the feelings I had for guys wasn't just sexual anymore. I wanted to be with a guy. That was one of the greatest feelings. Admitting it to myself, accepting myself, and just being cool with who I am. It was the first time I didn't hate myself for being gay. That was just the calm before the storm though. After realizing who I am I thought more about coming out and I start getting scared and worried and stressed and confused and unsure. I became very depressed again. I started doing bad in school. I literally could not focus in class. All I would think about was what am I going to do. It got bad to the point where I came home and broke down. My family was worried so I told them almost everything. It was so hard to do but it felt good to let it out. Both my dad and my sister were very supportive but my dad took it kinda hard. He is still convinced that Im straight and that I'm just confused because of what happened in my past. Its frustrating though because he thinks its a choice I'm making. He says how can I choose to be gay if I haven't even slept with a woman yet. Maybe he's right but the way I see it is if I don't want to have sex with a woman, If I don't find any women attractive, what makes him think I would enjoy it? So heres where I'm at now. Rock bottom. the worst part of my life so far. I thought after talking to my family things would start getting better but they are worse than ever. I dropped out of school with only 2 weeks left before graduating and feel sick at the though of even going back. I feel completely hopeless for the future, both career wise and relationship wise. Im not good at anything and will end up working some shitty job for the rest of my life and for what? The only thing worth living for is your loved ones and when the rest of my family is gone who will I have left? If I'm in the closet forever who am I going to meet? I have completely given up on life. I am extremely suicidal but I can never kill myself as long as my dad and my sister are here. They are all I have in this world and the only ones that know about my demons and still accept me. Its a horrible feeling. Wanting to die but not being able to kill yourself. The worst part is that if I do stick around, ill probably be alone forever. I will wait a lifetime for that special someone and they will never come. Thats all I want out of life. To love and to be loved. I am completely terrified of being alone my whole life. Maybe if I didn't have all these issues I would be ok but I cant go through this alone. I need someone special in my life to continue on I feel stuck. Thank you so much for reading this. I have no one else to turn to and it just means a lot that you guys want to help. Anthony
Hi Anthony! You've already taken the first step that many don't seem to get at first glance: We want to help. And we can help. It looks like your problems are somewhat rooting from earlier times in your life. My advice to you is to not hesitate to post, and to keep posting whenever you have these types of feelings. And it's going to sound really weird - but find a hobby. Find something you can enjoy, and appreciate the joys it gives you. So what if you dropped out of college? Tons of people go back to finish their education - some even in later adulthood! If you truly think you're on rock bottom, the only place to go is up. Congrats though, it takes balls to have that will to help yourself. P.S. Don't worry too much about your dad. His love is the most important, and he'll come around eventually as most parents do. stay strong! Keep slotherin'!
"the picture's far too big to look at kid, your eyes won't open wide enough" Like Sloth says, the only place to go is up. Such is life- a constant wave going up and down. If you're feeling down and shitty always remember it will get better and try to see the bigger picture. Personally, I was terrified at the thought of coming out. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Eventually, I realized not coming out was hurting everyone that I love including myself. If I never gave my loved ones the chance to love me for who I am, then I would forever live in doubt and would constantly be wondering if they loved me for who I really was. I also thought coming out would fix everything and it has made everything a million times easier, but it is still a constant, daily thing. I have to remind myself each day that it's ok to be me. For years, I got so used to hiding and being low-key because I wasn't confident enough to speak my truth. A lot of those behaviors are engrained in my personality and I know it will still take much time to redirect that energy. Don't be afraid if you feel shitty or hopeless now. Life is a process and is constantly unfolding. Much love to you <3
thank you both sooo much for listening and responding. You honestly have no idea how much it means to me. I know that no one here is going to be able to fix my problems but it's just nice to be able to talk about things that I would never be able to talk about to anyone else. I know the only way I'm going to be happy is if I am completely myself. and that means comming out and I'm already half way there. two of the most important people in my life know about me and still love me but it's the rest of the world that I'm worried about. I know I shouldn't care about what others think of me but I can't help it. I already have the lowest self esteem and littlest confidence possible that I don't know if I can handle the label that comes with being gay. time is also an issue. if I do plan on comming out to the world, it's not going to be anytime soon and it kinda sucks because right now I feel like my whole life is on hold. I can't go to school because I can't focus and don't really know what I want to do in life. I can't date or meet anyone that's my type. and I just feel like it's going to be too late one day. too late to get a good job and too late to find my soul mate. maybe I'm stubborn but all I do is wait. I can't wait anymore. I'm young and I want to have fun. I don't want to be miserable. I don't want to come home from work everyday and get wasted by myself. it's fucking depressing. I do have some hobbies... not a lot but even when I'm doing the little things that make me happy it feels fake. it's limited. at the back of my mind I know everything is not good. I can't fool myself into being happy I've tried that for way too long. like I said, I know that no one here is going to fix my problems but I really do appreciate your responses. I feel less lonely everytime I come to this forum
I can relate. Before I came out, it felt like my entire life was paused. I was using so much energy to remain hidden that I didn't have enough energy left to focus on other things that most kids my age would be doing. I spent way too much time inside my head. At least you can tell the difference. Some people spend their entire lives trying to repress that feeling that you get in the back of your mind. If you don't give up, only good things can come. When I'm feeling depressed or lonely, I remember that nothing is set in stone and each moment brings new possibilities. I try to watch my thoughts and be aware of any negative ones. If you can be aware, it will be easier to think more upbuilding, positive thoughts. For me a good way to start a morning is to read something inspirational that I can continue to think about throughout the day- for example - the desiderata Peace and love to you <3
Your story makes me so emotional because I can relate to it, I don't want to "be alone forever" and also I don't know what I will "do in the future". I am so glad I joined this site because I actually feel like I am not the only one that feels a certain way now. I now understand that people are going through the same sort of thing and it is so comforting to me to know I am not alone. You sound just abit lost at the moment (as am I). I don't know what to say apart from what my mum keep telling me... and that is "things will change in time" I know it is lame but I mean we got to believe things will change right? ---------- Post added 26th Jun 2013 at 12:33 AM ---------- life can't feel this way forever, can it?
You have really opened up my eyes. for the longest time I've been stuck in this pool of negative thoughts. like you, I spend a lot of time in my head thinking about my life but it has always been soo negative. this is the most positive I've felt in years. Thank you for sharing that poem with me. it is exactly the way I wish to live my life and ill hang on to it forever. I feel the same way. My whole life I thought I was from a different planet. like I can't relate to anyone in my life but after comming here and telling my story I immediately felt a lot better. to see how many people are reading, responding and are soo accepting is really amazing. I never understood how many people are going through the same shit we are going through and feeling the same way we are feeling. it's sad that it has to be this way and we have to be so scared and embarrassed of our identities but at least we are not alone and we have eachother. honestly I will never judge another person again in my life. who am I to say what's right and wrong. we all have our demons.
I think the biggest comfort for you would be knowing that other people are going through something similar, and that they too will come out the other side! But we are all here to listen and share with each other to make it easier Have you considered any local groups for LGBT people that you could join and be a part of, as a place where you can be who you are, and you never know, you might meet someone special there
You need to open up. You don't have to come out to any other people right now, but you have to let your friends back in. Spend time with them. Let them help you. Let us help you. And as for your dad's (rather moronic) opinion: Ask him why you would want to choose a life in which you were the target of bullying and bigotry and discrimination and you had to hide who you were because of fear of rejection. Ask him why you would choose a life in which he didn't completely accept you. That should hit him pretty hard.
Yeah man, we all have things going on, nice too know that you have an open mind aswell. I think we are worried because we aren't fully happy with how we are feeling and its hard to change things. We all have our demons but we all have to deal with them aswell, we just need answers, like for me personally, all I need to do is meet like 2-5 new good friends and just sort of start my social life from the beginning because I feel like I have no one to talk too but its just actually doing something to meet thoughs people that I find hard. ---------- Post added 28th Jun 2013 at 01:40 AM ---------- I think we kind of accepted who we are which is good, but we just are worried about how other people will perceive us... I am sure it will work out in the end, I just hope it happens sooner than later... I am 19 I don't want to be/get to old before I am finally happy, you know what I mean? like I want to enjoy my young years.
