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To whoever cares

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Sal, Jun 25, 2013.

  1. Sal

    Sal Guest

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    It's been a while since I've been online, haven't really had the time to. A lot has happened this year that I just don't know how to deal with and figured that maybe venting a bit online will help. I apologize for it being so long. You don't have to read it if you don't want too. There are probably a ton of grammar errors, but I just didn't care enough to fix them. I just needed to get this out.

    This year in school My friend S and I added another to our duo, a guy, E. Things were pretty good at first. Its was nice to make a new friend even though E and I argue like siblings most of the time. The three of us existed in our own bubble. However as time went on S and E began to form their own bubble that included people other than me. I wasn't too bothered by it, maybe a little uncomfortable, I was used to being excluded from things. I don't mind being solitary. But then S started to act differently towards E and I. She followed him everywhere she could. When it was just me and her all she would talk about would be him. In partner assignments she would always go to his side and leave me by myself. This bothered me a bit as she knows i have issues with talking to strangers. She started bringing extra lunch items that she would share with him. I'd wait for her outside her last class of the day only to find that she had already left with E without bothering to tell me. S eventually told me that she was romantically interested in E and I gave her my full support like a good friend would. However one day, when S wasn't at school, E told me that he'd been aware of S's advances and wasn't interested in her romantically.
    Perhaps foolishly,I decided to tell S that E didn't return her feelings. She didn't react to well and accused me of being jealous of E and said that I had my chance. I imagine she was referring to how she had hit on me when we'd first met, but i rejected her advances. We didn't speak much for a while until she finally decided to confess to E. As expected her turned her down and not very gently at that. She was upset and came to me to vent. We made up and things went back to being the two of us for a while. Yet E Gradually made his way back into our bubble and we were a trio once more. All past confrontations seemingly forgotten. This didn't last for long though.
    E befriended other girls and S became jealous. She would tell me how horrible they all were and began to speak of E possessively. As this continued I told her she was obsessing, but she insisted she wasn't. E was becoming uncomfortable with S's behavior and made sure to tell me so. I wasn't sure what I was expected to do. E and I Started to just ignore her obsessive behavior. I would halfheartedly agree to whatever she said and try to change the conversation from E to something else.Things went like this for a while.

    But one day S got into so serious trouble with her parents. They had gotten a hold of her iPod touch and she refused to give them the password. I'd seen what was on her iPod and that they'd be livid if they ever got access to it. I didn't know what happened until That evening I got a call from S's mother. She was crying and hysterical. S had ran way. She thought that perhaps i was hiding her and after assuring her i wasn't i gave her a list of names of people S might of gone to. I called E, thinking She went to him, but that was not the case. He Promised to keep an eye out for her and call if he found her. It wasn't till the police were called in that the whole situation finally hit me. I was terrified for my friend and the thought she could be hurt or lost in the vast forests that surround our houses. It had been about two days with no sign of her. It was late in the night when i heard a knock on the door. My mother was asleep and i went to answer it. I opened the door and there was S, covered in mud and soaking wet. I let out a scream that woke up the rest of the household and pulled her into a bone crushing hug. My mother, having run into the room, did the same. I've never felt such a since of relief in my entire life.I got her a change of clothes while my mother called her parents.
    Things were tense for a while. S started seeing a psychologist and was given some antidepressant meds that caused her mood to flare up. E acted like he didn't care about what had happened and I tried my best to act as I normally would around S, not wanting to seem overbearing like her parents were being. She wasn't allowed to leave home other than to go to school. All electronic devises both in school and out was made off limits to her. I was given instructions to help enforce this particular rule and felt uneasy as i did not want to look like the bad guy to S. I, I had a laps in judgment and made a horrible mistake. S asked me to listen to my iPod one day in class. I was hesitant but she assured me she wasn't going to misuse it and I was next to her so i figured i could monitor. This started to happen every day and later in other classes too. Ones that I didn't have with her. I saw that iPod less and less. I no longer used it and after receiving and iPhone i practically forgot about it. One day my mother called me into her room and asked if i had given S a black iPod. This confused me as there are no black 4th gen iPod touches and this was before the new ones were made. But i then remembered that mine had a black casing. Trying to stay composed i answered the question in a way that didn't really answer it but pleased the adults.
    The next day mother and I were asked to go to S's house. Neither one of us knew what for, but once we got there we saw some of S's relatives all looking stern faced or sad. We were told that S had used the iPod to access some kind of chatting website and that talked with a guy on there about things that were not appropriate. They told us that S was sick and that me letting her use the iPod was like giving drugs to an addict. One of her relatives had gotten angry at me and said that i'd did it on purpose, that it was my fault and yelled vulgar words at me. Both mine and S's mom stood up for me but i knew she was right. It was my fault. I could of said no, asked for if back, but i didn't. I left their house nervous about seeing my friend again, not knowing that our reunion wouldn't be for about a month. Five days after the so called intervention I still hadn't seen S. I found out why that evening. S tried to commit suicide. I didn't know what to think. Time seemed to freeze as I tried t process this information.
    I went to school the next day on autopilot. Getting S's assignments and then zoning out for the rest of the day. this repeated till S showed up at school a month later. She didn't look different, nor did she act different. She was friendly with me and we spoke about random things like we did before this mess started. I dared not bring up what had happened, afraid of upsetting her and ruining the mood. When she saw E she looked even happier. I was worried, but then E started making sure to involve me in their conversations. Even if he just wanted me to distract S when she starts getting clingy, i was happy to be included. Other than me being a bit more cautious and watchful around S and a few occasional hiccups, things slowly returned to normal.

    At least they appeared that way. Thought this entire mess i did a lot of thinking. Why was I friends with S and E? I've cared nor made such effort in any friendships before. Why did i care about S as much as I did? Did i even truly care? It was I who encouraged her to pursue E. I who Ignored her strange behavior. I who told her he didn't like her. I who just watched as he harshly turned her down. I who went along with everything she said. I who agreed when she said her parents were being unfair. I gave her the iPod. I never said no. The guy online rejected her, E rejected her, I rejected her. The one time I say no to her and it's to reject her. One of my only friends, the first person I've ever called my best friend. Can i even call her that? Sometimes i wished that i was alone again. I didn't have to worry about others then, didn't have to care. It was easier that way, things were simpler. some friend i am, wishing for things like this.

    I guess S is partly to blame for these thoughts. She's made it known that f it ever came down to it she'd pick E over me. I fear that it may come down to this. S knows about me. About how I'm different. One day while we were all at lunch S and E started a conversation about homosexuality. I was quiet as i listened to them. E told us how he hated lesbians that dressed like or looked male. He glanced in my direction as he said this and I was filled with a since of dread. S made it worse when she jokingly said that might be why we, E and I, argued all the time. E picked up on what she was hinting at and ask me if i was. I wasn't sure how to answer that. S knew i liked girls and at that point i wasn't sure if she'd call me out on it if i lied. Funny how a few months prior i wouldn't have worried about that. I could think of only two options, either say no and look like a lair if S argued otherwise or say yes and try to play it off like it's nothing. I choose the latter.
    After some awkward questions E dropped the topic. I'm just glad he reacted in a calm manner. I don't doubt for a second that IF E had reacted more negatively and left that S would have followed. For the rest of the year other than lesbian jokes from E, jokes that later S joined in on, things were normal. Not okay, but normal. This would only be the beginning of S and E laughing at my expense. I have a slight speech problem that's i didn't think was really noticeable, but E noticed it. I can't pronounce the "th" sound. It comes out like "d". He would point it out every chance he got. S joined in on this and they would laugh together. Others would wonder what was so funny and after E and S explain it to them they'd laugh too. One girl even asked me what was wrong with me. As if it was due to some disability, even though she probably didn't mean it that way. It still bothered me. Despite all this I just smiled and laughed with them. Better than being the only one not laughing.
    S only further proved to me that I may care for her more than she does me as the year went on. I took an SAT test at school, but halfway though it i had a rather violent panic attack. They had to stop the test and call my mother to come and get me. They called in S, who was testing in another room, as my mother was her ride to and from the test. She accused me of faking it to get out of the test and while i have faked stomach bugs to get out of school, i'd never miss a test that my mother payed a large amount for. She didn't believe me when I tolled her i wasn't faking it. My Mother was also upset with me for not being able to finish the test that she paid for.
    Towards the end of the year I had a nervous breakdown. I along with three older girls were tasked with making a film for my foreign language class. I has the only one who had any experience and offered to write the script. I had one night to write it and i did. The others loved it. But we only had four days to film it. I got us all organized and got us a venue to film it. On filming day only one of them arrived on time, the others were about and hour late. We entered the building that i had gotten permission from the owner, a relative of mine, to use but once we opened the door an alarm went off. My relative had forgotten to turn off the security system. The police came and we were all questioned until my relative showed up. We were all at my house a few minutes later. I quickly worked to fix the place up to look the way we needed it to. Once everything was set up we quickly filmed. Once they left I hurriedly went to work on editing and putting together the video. It took me two days to edit everything and my mother had to constantly remind me to eat.
    However right when i was about to save the final product I accidentally hit the delete button instead. I frantically went to my recycling box to recover it, but it wasn't there. All files associated with it were gone too. I reacted badly. I remember crying and screaming. My mother says that I was unresponsive for a while. She was about to take me to the hospital when i came to. I had vomited on myself and my room was a wreck. Despite the state i was in I wanted to try to fix the video. All I could think about was how the others were going to hate me, that they were all going to get F's and it was my fault. But my mother took my laptop and gave me something so that I would sleep. The next day i stayed home from school and after searching Google for hours I was able to recover the individual clips used to make the film. I went too school to try to get an extension on the project and was ready to bash my head in when i was told it wasn't due for another two days. I eventually, after encountering several more obstacles was able to get the film done on time. I was proud of my work despite the struggle it was to make. Everyone presented their films and they all clearly showed a lack of effort and energy. Most of them not even edited. when my groups was showed everyone was in awe of its quality. I was feeling Great, but them my teacher had to go and ruin it. She decided to give everyone 100's. After everything my film was lumped together with those poor excuses of a film. None of my hard work had meant anything.
    Apparently my mother had told S's about what happened. S confronted me about it at school the next day. She found the whole thing hilarious. Said it was what I got for being and over achiever. I lost 7 pounds that week and was only able to sleep when medicated. I can't seem to find what's so funny about this. Mother tells me that I had no excuse for my behavior. That if i can't handle a simple project how do i expect to handle my advance classes next year or college. I'm starting to find that I agree with her. Sometimes I just don't feel like trying, like doing anything. Summers' started and so far all I've done is sit and think. I feel so tired yet I just can't sleep. I haven't really slept in a few days. When ever I do I don't want to wake up And when I do I feel more tired than when I went to sleep. I don't even remember when I started typing this or what it started off as. If your still reading this sorry for wasting your time. I guess i just wanted... never mind. I don't even know what I want anymore.
     
  2. Envira

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    You're not wasting my time at all. I guess I can kind of relate to your loneliness.

    I had a friend, E, this year who, for a while, has kept some pretty big secrets. And she never told anyone what they were. But like three quarters of the way through the year, I found out that she'd had a boyfriend since the summer, and she had just broken up with him. It wasn't such a big deal, but eventually, she started talking about how big some of her other secrets were.

    And about a month later, she told me that two years ago her brother had been diagnosed with depression and had been caught playing with knives and other dangerous things. He stopped talking to their parents and their younger brother, but she would talk to him every day, and she was the only one who he seemed to even care about anymore. But one day he cracked. He beat her. And he continue to beat her everyday for an entire year. She started having to wear sweatshirts to cover up and never told anyone. He made her believe she was fat and she stopped eating and lost 15 pounds that summer. He went away to camp and when he came back he seemed fine. He didn't touch her again.

    I guess at some point this year, she broke down, and as the "therapist" in my group of friends, I had to cope with her every time she would cry, every time something was annoying her, every time she argued with someone because they didn't adhere to her needs, through everything. I found out that she would either starve herself on a regular basis or binge and vomit. And not too long after that, I found out that she was cutting. Regularly.

    So myself and two other friends of mine told the school psychologist, who confronted her and her parents about the issues. But she was able to lie about most of it. That weekend, she decided that she was going to attempt suicide. And she texted one of our friends, L, to tell her, because L is clinically depressed and also cuts, so they're in the same boat, and typically, L has kept her lips sealed about everything. But she didn't take it well and she freaked and completely broke down and eventually, E's parents got hold of the whole story and she's doing better now.

    But I've had to cope with other problems too. I have another friend, C, who doesn't have as many friends as I do, and is in fact, not part of the group of friends that I "belong" to. She started following me and some of my friends who don't like her. And it went on for months. I tried to inch away from her, and it worked for a while, only she started to feel sad and she confronted me about it. So i calmly had to explain to her what had happened and she said she understood and had nothing better to do. we started talking online outside of school, and eventually, we started to only talk online. And i started to completely avoid her because I felt I had nothing to say. And she started wondering why I was so depressed all the time and I couldn't say anything because she, my inner struggle with my sexuality and E were the only things that were crushing me. And I was trying to suppress feelings for a bi girl in my grade and everything was just spiraling downhill. And then summer hit, and I have completely lost contact with all of my friends. I don't even answer their text anymore. I almost find that friendship is too painful. And I don't feel comfortable coming out to my parents or anyone else than I already have.

    I'm so utterly alone. and I have to say, I agree with you. I don't know what I want anymore either.