I want to die (Why do I feel like this? I can't stop it)

Hey,
I have one thing that helped me through my depression. A counselor. I went through a stage of massive depression. I felt like killing myself. But I new i could always count on my counselor. I found that I ony had a couple of friends and they barely liked talking to me. I didnt get much attention from my family. But I found a couple of things very useful.
1: creating an alias on meetme.com and tagged.com. They allowed me to be kind to people and have conversation without anyone knowing who I am. This is like using this anonymous forum.
2: I chatted to my counselor every week, about everything, from eastenders, to the love life. Honestly, my counselor was my only friend. And talking to her gave me the courage to make new friends and they cheered me up.
There are nice people out there, just make some new friends and you'll start to feel better.
Hope that helps, hope you cheer up soon.

 

(*hug*) Hey Gazza! Okay, I'm going to try to go through this systematically, but first I want to say this:

You are not alone.

Trust me, I've been there - I know exactly where you're at because I experienced it too.

About a month ago, I was a trainwreck of raw emotion, depression, and sadness. And I had been that way for months before that. I can't even count the number of times I seriously considered suicide, but each time I reached a low where I thought I might hurt myself, I would convince myself that as shitty as my situation was, it would get better. It sounds cliché, but there's a good reason why the It Gets Better project (have you heard of it?) exists - because it really does get better. I promise.

Here's roughly how my timeline went. You can read my whole coming out story here, too.

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012: I receive a letter from McMaster University saying that I've been accepted to the Health Sciences program, one of the coolest and most competitive university programs in Canada. This is the second best day of my entire life.

Monday, August 20th, 2012: I fill out the McMaster Incoming Student Anonymous Survey. One of the questions is, "Do you identify as straight, gay, bisexual, or other?" I click "gay" and hit submit. This is the very first time in my whole life where I've admitted to myself that I'm gay.

Remainder of August 2012: I become somewhat depressed and begin to think that because I'm gay, I'll never find anybody and I'll be alone forever. I figure I'm gay AND ugly. My self esteem plummets, and by the end of the month, I get to a point where I'm holding a large kitchen knife. I'm thinking that all I have to do is slit my wrist and all my problems will just bleed away. I manage to convince myself to give university a try, and I put the knife away. That was really fucking close.

September-November 2012: I have lots of fun at McMaster and feel pretty good about myself. I've suppressed the fact that I'm gay and pretend to be pretty much asexual because that seems easier.

December 2012: I write my exams and get my marks back. I did really poorly in calculus (got a B), and this depresses me a lot. This is the catalyst for all the thoughts that I'll be alone forever to come surging back. I figure I'll be alone and a failure for the rest of my life. And then I pick up the bottle of Advil. I seriously consider taking it all, because again, I figure that everything will just fade away, and not existing must be better than all this sorrow I'm feeling. But then the fear of the pain of dying sets in, so I put the bottle away, sit in my bathroom, and cry.

January & February 2013: I gradually become more and more depressed, which causes me to become less and less productive at school. My marks go down and this causes me to become more depressed, which makes my marks go down, which makes me more depressed, etc.

Monday, March 13th, 2013: I log into a gay geolocation dating app that I can't say the name of here, and I see a user named Sebastian with a cute picture, so I tap on his profile and say "Hey, what's up?" We really hit it off, and we start to fall for each other.

April & May 2013: I continue to text Sebastian regularly, almost obsessively, and he does the same thing.

Beginning of June 2013: I get the balls to ask Sebastian out for coffee, and he says yes. I'm completely closeted at this point, so I tell my parents that I'm going to Toronto to tour the University of Toronto, which they believe.

Wednesday, June 5th, 2013: I go to Toronto and end up sitting on the steps outside one of the University of Toronto buildings, about 5 minutes away from the coffee shop I'm meeting Sebastian at. I sit there for at least half an hour in terror and fear as the reality of everything starts to set it. I start having a massive panic attack, and I seriously consider running to the subway and going home. But I force myself to walk to the coffee shop, I find a seat, and I sit down. Sebastian walks in and suddenly all my fears melt away - I think I fell in love with him right there. We talk for about 45 minutes, but my phone buzzes to remind me I've got to get going, so he walks me to the subway and rides e subway with me to the train station. The seats are really close together on the subway, so we're touching, and I've never been happier. We agree to a second date and I wave goodbye to him.

Evening of Wednesday, June 5th, 2013: I'm so anxious I can't eat, and my parents start to wonder what's wrong with me. The thoughts that are running through my head say that I'm not out, so I can never really be with Sebastian, and I'm condemned to be alone because of my secret. I finally manage to get to sleep around midnight.

Thursday, June 6th, 2013, at 7:30 AM: I wake up with the most massive panic attack I've ever experienced. I figure something must be wrong with me, so I make an appointment with my family doctor right away.

Thursday, June 6th, 2013, at 9:30 AM: I see my family doctor. He asks me what's wrong, so I tell him everything, and while doing that I come out to him. He tells me that it's okay to be gay (which though I already knew that, strangely helped a lot anyways), and that I'm experiencing some severe anxiety/panic due to the stress of confronting that fact about myself. I already take the maximum dose of Prozac, which helps my panic attacks, so he decides to add on Seroquel as a mood stabilizer, and clonazepam for acute episodes.

Thursday, June 6th, 2013, at 1:00 PM: I pick up my new prescriptions and immediately take a clonazepam. My prescription says that I have to wait 4 hours between doses, but I've taken pharmacology and know that because it's a low dose, I could take them every 3 hours. So I do.

Thursday, June 6th, 2013, at 11:00 PM: I've taken 3 clonazepam doses so far and am feeling really giddy, silly, and a bit stoned. I feel great, but it's a drug-induced state - it isn't real. My parents are really concerned about me, and I'm laughing about everything, even things that aren't even that funny. I take my new Seroquel pill and go to bed, falling asleep immediately.

Friday, June 7th, 2013, at 3:30 PM: I've had an adverse reaction to the Seroquel, which was extremely sedating to me, and am only waking up now, meaning I've been asleep for over 18 hours. Once I wake up, the panic attacks start to set in again, and I become an anxious mess on my sofa. My mom's at work and my dad is sitting there beside me, really worried. I start crying uncontrollably. My dad tells me that I can talk to him about anything and that he's there for me. I cry some more, and then through the tears I ask him if he really means what he said, that he'll love me no matter what and accept me for whoever I am. He says yes and assures me that I can tell him anything. So I sit up, still crying a bit, and say, "I'm gay." He tells me that that's totally okay with him, and that he still loves me. We talk about things for a while until my mom comes home, and I'm feeling quite a bit better. My mom walks in, I ask her to sit down, and I can't even wait so I just blurt out that I'm gay. Her response is the same as my day's - she says that that's okay, that she still loves me, and that I can talk to her about absolutely anything.

Evening of Friday, June 7th, 2013: Things continue as usual. I feel a lot better with that off my chest, almost like a 10,000-kg weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I don't take the Seroquel because I don't need it, and I feel great.

Saturday, June 8th, 2013: I tell my parents that I'm dating Sebastian, and that I'm going to meet him again for a second date. I make sure to use lots of male pronouns to make sure I get the point across that we're both gay. They're totally okay and supportive and tell me that this is great because they can go out on a date night too! :lol:

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013: I meet Sebastian at the train station closer to me, and I see him standing there. He looks so perfect, I can't imagine how I got lucky enough to find him. I wave to him, he comes over and gets in the car, and we go to the coffee shop outside of the theatre we're seeing the movie at. We talk in the coffee shop for about an hour and a half, and I feel like I'm meeting another part of myself. After that, we go into the theatre, get snacks, and find seats, and we're talking before the movie starts, and I'm leaning on him with my arm overlapping onto his. The warmth of his body next to mine, his unique smell, his general awesomeness... I'm the happiest man that ever lived at this point. When the movie's over, I take him back to the train station and wait on the platform for 20 minutes until his train arrives. Just as the train is coming in, he hugs me tight, and I hug him back, and there's an electricity between us that makes me feel so alive I can't imagine what life was like without him. He gets on the train and I wave goodbye.

Today, June 27th, 2013: I'm on vacation in Florida until July 13th, and I've agreed with Sebastian to a third date the day after I get back. We're going to go glow-in-the-dark-mini-golfing, have coffee, see a movie, and hang out for a while after, probably just sitting in my Jeep talking. I'm really hoping that this is the point where I'll get to kiss him . And we've said already that our fourth date will be at my place - we're going to cook, bake, watch a movie, I'm going to teach him a little piano because he said he wants to learn, and then I have a feeling we'll be doing some other stuff too! :icon_wink

So I've gone from the saddest man in the world a month ago to the happiest man in the world today. And it's all because I met the right guy, was honest to myself, and was honest to the people that matter most to me.

The moral of my story is, get out of the freakin' closet and go meet somebody amazing! I promise you'll feel a million times better after you do :icon_bigg. And us EC'ers will be here to support you the whole way (*hug*).

 

Forgive me for answering this out of order, but my answer flows better this way.

First of all, don't beat yourself up for having a rough patch. And I know you're going to tell me that it's more than that, that this is a problem you'll have for life, but I'm telling you that you're dead-wrong. Things will get better even if they don't seem like they will now. Believe me.

Thank you, but I do have to call bullshit here - you know exactly how I did it. I downloaded a gay geolocation app, saw a cute guy who's profile had the keyword LTR in it (long-term relationship), clicked on him, and said "Hey, what's up?"

Your looks are only going to get you hookups, but it's personality that makes a relationship. So I suggest starting a conversation with every single guy within your age range that's fairly close to you on the app, and chances are if you contact 100 users (not that hard to do), chances are really good that you'll like one who will like you back! But you have to actually take the initiative, download the app, make a little profile, and start saying hey to people.

Go get 'em! I promise that you'll find someone soon enough.

I already know what you're going to say next. You're going to say, "But Aaron, I'm really [insert demeaning term like ugly here]!" And I'm telling you that I don't even have to see you to tell you that that's bullshit. I guarantee that there're gay men your age that are into your type. Again, trust me on this one.

Though that's true a lot of the time, what you need to do is look for profiles that contain "LTR" or "Relationship" as keywords. I'd say that about 1 in 10 profiles are looking for an actual relationship. But if your device can display 200 guys at once (yes, it can), then that means 20 guys are looking for a relationship, and chances are at least 1 of those 20 will be into you.

Okay, I think what you need to do is get your parents to sit down with you and just listen while you talk. Tell them that you feel crappy, that them pressuring you to be fake-happy is stifling, and tell them that it's their job as parents to support you however you need them to (it is). I'll bet you that they'll understand.

That, my friend, is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you convince yourself that you'll always be miserable, you'll find ways to keep yourself miserable. You need to start realizing that here's been lots and lots of people in your exact situation, and life has gotten better for each and every one of them. Search YouTube for "It Gets Better" and watch some of those videos. They help.

I want to do an exercise with you. I want you to list every single negative element of yourself that you can think of, and then I want you to force yourself to list at least 3 positive things about yourself. I'll bet I can diffuse most, if not all, of the negative ones. Bet you think I can't do it, eh? C'mon, try me! (*hug*)

 

I know you mentioned your support person taking ill and not being available some time back. I really think you should look into finding a replacement for them through whatever program you are involved in. I know that it will be a pain getting a new person up to speed, but it sounds like you are really starting to hurt as a result of not working with them.

I've seen your profile pic. My first reaction was not 'ugh'. I recall this coming up in a past thread as well and several other people weighing in on your pics to say the same thing. You look fine. Beyond that, you've also mentioned issues with your appearance (specifically your degree of physical fitness) in past posts and received lots of suggestions on how to address this area. Have you had a chance to start any sort of fitness program yet? It takes time but can help your self-esteem.

There is no reason to think you will never have a relationship. TBH this sounds like a bout of depression and again indicates to me that you should look to getting a new support person as soon as possible. Also, if you never go places and never put yourself out there, how are you going to meet people? In that situation it is not an issue with your appearance, but an issue with your actions. Both can be changed, but you can change your actions almost instantly. I realize that can be a bit scary but it is doable. And again a new support person may be able to help you there. If your original person took you to a gay cafe, then were there visits to other places that would have come later in the program?

Have you ever asked your work friend if they'd like to hang out after work or on a weekend or whatever? Go grab a movie or lunch or dinner? Even if its not a gay thing, it's still a friend thing. Have you looked into meetups or other ways to possibly meet additional people (gay or straight)?

You can make changes to your life in all kinds of ways. But the first step is doing something different than what you've always done.

My 2c worth,

Todd

 

There is no such thing as ugly,no matter how "ugly" you think you are!
If you wash yourself,your theet your hair,use deodorant and have clean clothes you are totaly datable!