hey everyone, i've recently cataloged all the times that i've told someone or myself that i am gay, and its happened several times within the last 10 years. i've always shrugged it off though and completely not thought about it for up to a year at a time. i'm always hiding what i think, and coming up with ridiculous explanations with every feeling towards guys. Either that, or i am cussing myself on the inside and calling myself a freak who is less than human and just a piece of shit. the last time i told someone i was gay was my rehab counselor over a year ago(been drug free for 13 months today). the experience was not lifting or anything like other people have said. it was more of like me admitting that i should be put in an asylum or something. I know i am gay from the bottom of my heart. the evidence is there and the feelings have been there for a long long time. I just dont want to brush this off again and just go back to making it day by day alone. i want to start being proud of who i am...any ideas??
What is it inside of you that says it's not okay to be gay? Do you truly believe that gay people are freaks; or is that something you were often told? How about some positive affirmations. Say "It's okay to be gay. I'm a good person and not a freak. I feel good about myself." Sure it will sound phony at first. Yet if you keep on saying good things about yourself you just may start to believe them. It does work if you do it consistently. Replace the bad messages with good messages. I was the queen of de-nial.
thanks lol. i remember hearing "you know, de nile isn't just a river in egypt" on the new kid. yeah, i was raised to hate gay people. that being gay is wrong. gay people burn in hell. taught that people who "think" they are gay are being tricked by satan. there were no gay people where i was raised, well, at least no OUT gay people either.
Hmm I would think someone in-denial wouldn't even consider the possibility of being gay, when you freely admit to it... are you sure it isn't just a matter of acceptance? YOU have to be comfortable with yourself and your sexuality before expecting anyone else to be, and really, it's what you think that counts most, right?
thanks for repyling gravechild. yeah, i think its a problem with acceptance. at this point in my life, i have never been this comfortable with my sexuality. i still have homophobic thoughts that feel deeprooted though. the only place i've ever had anyone tell me that being gay is okay, is here at EC. all my family basically "tolerates" their kind. Maybe things will be okay this time around. I've moved over 2 hours away from all of my family and am living in a pretty gay friendly town at the moment.
I want you to get this straight. Your not, and that is perfectly fine. You are no less of a decent person because of your sexuality. You aren't any different then you were before you realized this. If there is a god out there, I'm sure he loves you just the way he made you. Embrace who you are. Don't deny your emotions because all it will cause is more pain. I hope it gets better for you, and that you come to peace with who you are. That's just my two cents.
thanks ethan, just for the record, im an atheist, and not because i disown religion because of the views towards gay people. i am going to try and not to listen to my inner voice that tells me i'm a freak and try to learn to love myself..somehow.
