All I want is just to be happy with who I am. I am sometimes okay but then all of a sudden I get consumed with doubt and hate, I self harm, I push my boyfriend (who is in love with me) away and I know I am hurting him. How do those guys who are happy do it? I wish I could be one of them
Happiness isn't something you learn, happiness just "happens", all you can control are the circumstances and, to some extent, your attitude. But depression is insidious because it controls your attitude. Everything seems dark and pointless. It's not, of course. I hope the counselling you are going to is helping. Sometimes I think it's also a matter of philosophy. The Stoics were a group of philosophers who understood the damage of negative emotions. They understood that whatever "happens" has a deep and necessary purpose in Nature and that nothing, whether good or bad, is permanent. Read up on it, they, more than anyone else, have approached that impossible thing to learn: happiness. ---------- Post added 29th Jun 2013 at 06:39 AM ---------- Try this book: http://www.amazon.ca/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614
Since I've been there and struggled with depression (still got some episodes here and there, but definitively not as bad as it used to be), I'll share what has mostly been working for me. In my case, it's been all about allowing myself to do certain things that I would've otherwise prevented myself from doing either out of fear, because I didn't see the appeal, or I didn't think it would work. Essentially, I've been forcing myself to do these things, even if the outcome might not be a positive one. I look at those events instead as learning experiences to prepare myself for the next time they happen. Pride is one such example where I will force myself to go regardless of what happens, and I've found myself actually looking forward to it lately, despite that I'm very uncomfortable around people. It's a challenge I'm looking forward to. I like to think that I've been working quite well to solve my various issues. My depression, although still present, is far from being as powerful as it used to be and the episodes are shorter and less frequent. Overall, I'm more happier about myself, and rather than looking at my shortcomings as something negative, I view them more as small goals that I want to overcome. Looking at things this way has been a rather positive influence on me, especially after gradually seeing results. Also, Chip posts this every once in a while, and it's helped me as well in taking the first steps. [YOUTUBE]iCvmsMzlF7o[/YOUTUBE]
Sexual orientation does not make you happy or unhappy. It's like skin or hair color. However, the environment you live in plays a large role in happiness, so maybe you're internalizing homophobia you experience from others. Since you can't completely control other's opinions (though you definitely can be a positive force for change), you should work on stopping internalization (self-hate). Think about it, in many circumstances (like at work or school), sexuality has (or should have) little influence. You should definitely stop the self-harm as soon as possible. That is much more destructive than just thinking negative thoughts, especially if you have scars that act as constant reminders. Have you tried talking to a therapist? It sounds like your problems may stem from more than just being gay. Maybe you have family issues or stressful childhood experiences that you haven't come to terms with.
My approach was to learn to love the parts of me that we're the most easily accepted (my me) and work my way up to the difficult parts. That way you're approaching your demon wrapped in a cloak of self love. If being gay is the hardest part for you to accept, leave it be for a moment and work on the other aspects of yourself that you need to learn to love. I find that with each step the process becomes easier. So step 1, sit down and write a list of why you're awesome Start there and then start think about ways the things you consider flaws have or could make you a better person. You deserve the kind of love only you can give yourself. (*hug*) P.S. I think this thread is already a step in the right direction.
Accept the love from your boyfriend first off. Even though I'm working myself on being happy with who I am, I'm still missing being in a relationship even if the ones I've been in haven't been all that great. Same time they helped me determine as each one went by what it is I'm sort of looking for. So definitely accept your boyfriend's love, you don't want to lose it. BUT like the others said, sometimes happiness just happens, it's not necessarily something that you can just force on yourself.
