Not like suicidal but I am worn out about everything, I dont want to do ANYTHING anymore. I have been staying up till 4 in the morning just doing nothing but staying wide awake and waking up at 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I've decided to suppress my sexuality and ultimately decided to not care if its denial. I'd rather not acknowledge it. I've given up on trying to move on from someone i loved and just let thoughts eat me away. i've been at this point before but honestly, i like it this way. I'm not cutting, i'm not planning my death or anything else that could be potentially dangerous. I'm just laying in bed all day and not doing a goddamn thing with my life. I've given up trying to find a job. I have applied almost everywhere and still no call back. I have stopped standing up for what i believe. I have essentially also have grew hostile towards some people in LGBT community....for personal reasons, i guess. I just have lost all my energy essentially and i dont know how to get it back
i can fully relate to the first few lines, perhaps to lighten the load of it all i'll just let you know i too have not found a job and it can be quite demoralising, i sleep through the day to avoid my daytime responsibilities, i've become genuinely disinterested in those friends/families/connections i did have. it feels like i'm stuck in a well, so you're not alone at all. the only place we differ is our position with our "sexual acceptance" (a term i just coined now for the sake of this post), by that i mean, you're at a suppression stage, whereas i'm telling myself everyday "i'm gay, it's ok". perhaps it's a matter of time i too go back to square one, but now i'm just waffling... personally, that feeling of emptiness, i think it's a type of depression (if there are types, i'm certain there are degrees/groupings) is the worst in my opinion. i'm not accusing you of being depressed, i just understand that feeling of wanting nothingness, to not exist. one feels guilt over nothing, and feels worse for feeling guilt. to me, it sounds like you're having a mini-breakdown. i tend to ignore everything in these situations, but i'm glad you posted this because you are reaching out, you may not know it. you've proved you have a desire (even if it's suppressed way at the back of your mind) to be a happy individual. and let me tell you something, you deserve to be happy. beating yourself up will not help you sleep at night, nor will it mean you wake up to that job you need tomorrow morning. your priority is to love yourself, be kind to yourself. stay calm and collected. do the things you enjoy, things you believe in. it's awful when going through a rough patch, but the only way is up!
But my dad is getting pissed that i haven't found a job and keeps calling me lazy which i do understand ...why
perhaps your dad is right then, is all i can suggest from the above (above the above). now that we've recognised you've hit a wall, the only real option you have is to find an alternate route.
