So, last night I had my first ever same-sex experience. It felt amazing but I can't shake this weird guilty feeling. I can't figure out why and it's kind of tearing me up inside. Is this normal and if so, how do I "get over it"? I thought that my first would be this crystallizing moment and I would feel total and complete, but instead I feel kind of sick. My gut reaction is that I've got this guilt because I have not totally accepted myself and am still dealing with internalized homophobia.
Your gut reaction is right on the mark. Until you actually have an experience with someone, the idea that you're gay is still theoretical. When you cross the threshold and have a sexual experience... and that experience is sexually exciting to you... both your conscious and unconscious can no longer reject the idea that you're attracted to men, which means you're either bisexual or gay. Add to that... for a lot of people, "bisexual" is a "safe" label that allows themselves to explore same-sex experiences without committing to being gay, and if being with a guy feels amazing in a way you can't imagine it feeling with a girl... that also shakes (again) the roots of who you think you are. Finally, remember that even if you have accepted yourself, you aren't out to your family, and you've still got all this internalized bullshit that people like the religious right and so forth put out there and seeps into your unconscious. So all this is a long way of saying... what you're feeling is perfectly normal. It's internalized homophobia that stems from shame, and yes, it's very likely it's just bringing to the surface some stuff that's been sort of hiding below the surface. So, as with all shame, bringing it to the surface and talking about it is the best way to get past it
Thank you! I have read and re-read your response so many times today and it really does help. Do you think that coming out to the rest of my family would help? I don't really want to just yet, because I know they're going to have questions that I'm not ready to answer yet. As for taking bi as a "safe" label, I can say for absolute certainty that that's not the case.
The answer about coming out to family is twofold: One, you can't really let go of the shame you have about who you are until you do come out, because as long as you're hiding that fact, you're "fitting in"... pretending to be someone you're not... and by definition, "fitting in" supports and actually increases shame, because it's supporting the idea that you aren't loveable as you are. but the second piece is... you shouldn't come out until you're ready (or close to ready.) Of course, people usually aren't ever *totally* ready so maybe you really are, but that's for you to decide. But I think the more you reflect on the experience, and think about it in the context of what I said above, you'll realize there's nothing to feel shameful about, you did something that felt good, and that there's nothing wrong with, you're just working on readjusting your concept of self, and that takes a little time.
