When I go out and find women attractive on the street, in shops, etc. How can I convince myself that I don't have any reason to feel ashamed? Because it's not like others can't see her, everywhere she goes, people will see her but maybe not feel anything for her, like I do. Should I use that argument or is there something better? I'm so fed up with this constant guilt I have about what I might feel if I decide to occasionally stop staring at the ground and look at others around me and then I find someone attractive. It might not even be attraction most of the time, only something resembling it. More like intrigue or curiosity and I'm wondering if this person I see could be gay because I can feel something but I've no idea what exactly it is I'm feeling for them. But there are a few obvious cases of attraction that I have for a very few women and I can't deny that anymore. How could I not feel guilty when I see them (and for a long time afterwards)? And just today (and yesterday) I've been stressing over possibly not being a lesbian..? Sometimes I get so panicky about ending up with a man somehow when I realize I'm not a real lesbian. And just when I start to accept myself and the way I look, it turns into liking other women's bodies and that's where it always starts again. The self-hatred and dieting. I start to convince myself that I only look at women because I want their bodies, that I want to look like them. But then I get these very strong feelings about certain women, who are not thinner than me which makes me hate myself even more because then it becomes nearly impossible to tell myself I'm just jealous. To make my situation even worse, I had a dream about my former classmate. It was nothing sexual, only mildly suggestive. I realized a few months ago that I've always liked her in a way that used to make me uncomfortable (and still does). This was definitely a set back for me because after I woke up, I started questioning what I was thinking I was doing and if I really was gay or just wanted to be. But I really don't like men that way. I don't think about them at all. Women on the other hand... But that dream bothers me for various reasons but since then it's like I've had a mental block in that part of my brain. No dreams involving women in any context. And it's been ages since I've had a dream like that, or anything suggesting I was gay. I don't even know what I'm doing. It's so pointless. What if I never get the chance to meet someone who likes me as much as I like them? What if as long as I live, I only get crushes on women who don't even know I exist or just don't feel that way? Is it wrong to feel like this? Guilty, worried, ashamed, scared and hating myself?
I feel the same all the time since I was a kid. You`re not alone Especially in Poland it is really difficult, where ppl hate "differences" and they are really rude and untolerable.
*Hugs!* For some it`s tougher to find someone to be with, but it`s never impossible nor unlikely. The thing about life is that wonderful things can and do happen, but most of the time we have to make it so ourselves. If we are stuck in the "shame, denial" we`ll never take the chances, seek out the new territories, see other options, that will finally give us what we want and need. It`s not pointless! You feel that it`s hopeless, but that`s two different things. What you feel is real to you in the sense that it`s painful, but it`s not real in the sense of being a definite truth. Our feelings can tell us all kinds of things that aren`t true; "I`m hopeless, no one will ever like me, there`s something wrong with me" etc, but these things aren`t true. You aren`t hopeless, you`re in pain. People can like you, if you give them the chance, and there`s nothing wrong with you. If you are wrong for preferring the same sex, then so am I and all the other lesbians on this page. There`s nothing wrong with you, and you shouldn`t be so hard on yourself. 5 years from now your life could be so different, the world can be different. But we have to make it so, take the steps, walk the walk towards a better future. You deserve that. So keep your chin up, try to work on self-acceptance and don`t let the negativity rule your mind. You are definitely not the only lesbian in your area. You`ll find someone one day. It might take a bit of courage and some patience, but that`s love as of a general. It`s never easy, and if it`s easy one can wonder if it`s worth having. You are not alone, we`re here for you, so hang on in there!
I've been wanting to ask these questions myself and for a long time. However, I didn't know how to put them in words that would make sense. And you've pretty much summed up how I feel as well. I know what I've said is easier said than done, but I've been in your shoes before. I've even surprised myself with all the progress that I've made over the past year and a half. What helped me (besides friends, family and EC), was to set goals for myself and an allocated time to complete them. I told myself that I'd go to the gay club down the street from me and I did. It took a long time, but I did it and I was so proud of myself. And after the first time, it made going the second time a lot easier. So, I know that once you do something and only once, it does become easier to do it again. Gosh, I hope my advice resonates with you and I wish you the best (*hug*)
