Underage drinking bothering me.

[shygeek]

Hi everyone, first time poster here.

I've started to fall for this guy, and it's all loves with doves etc, but I only have one problem with him. We're both 19 and he drinks. I don't want to sound controlling of his life, but at the same time I want to say something to him. I am a very shy individual myself, so I find it hard for me to make a move and ask him about his drinking habits. This problem mainly started out about a month ago; he (and his roommates) told me about a graduation party he went to, and that he came home badly intoxicated. While I want him to have a good time, I don't like the fact that he comes home so drunk that he passes out (at least what he told me). I think he could see the uneasy being shown from me, so I don't know if he's being fully honest. A more recent event was last night. While cooking for me and some friends he passed around a bottle of Smirnoff Ice, which he, my friend (19) and my friends little sister (15) drank, I declined. I'm not raised to say that LIQUOR IS EVIL or anything, I just believe that people shouldn't drink till it's legal. The same went for when I was in high school, I had a problem with my friends smoking. It doesn't bother me as much now that it's legal for people I hang out with to smoke, I just have that mentality. I just don't know how to stop caring about the ones I love.

Thanks

[Revan]

Okay first hun.
1. 19 is legal age in Canada, so while it's not legal where you are, in other places it is legal.
and 2. I would however be frustrated about the 15 year old drinking. That is illegal in many places if not most so I can understand ur frustration there. But as long as your friends are 19 and drinking sensibly, not to the point of drunkedness, I think you VERY WELL should not be worried okay? I know that doesn't really help...but none the less...

[shygeek]

Originally Posted by Revan

Okay first hun.
1. 19 is legal age in Canada, so while it's not legal where you are, in other places it is legal.
and 2. I would however be frustrated about the 15 year old drinking. That is illegal in many places if not most so I can understand ur frustration there. But as long as your friends are 19 and drinking sensibly, not to the point of drunkedness, I think you VERY WELL should not be worried okay? I know that doesn't really help...but none the less...

Canada eh? Should have stated it was in the States . Also about the 15 year old, it surprised me; however, I'm never around her, so it doesn't bother me as much as the one I see almost daily. Every bit of reassurance helps, thanks!

[Revan]

Okay. And I know you're in the States, and I know its illegal there, but I'm just saying it is legal in other places such as in the north.

[Austin]

Does it matter if it's legal elsewhere though if he's in the united states? :X

Anyways, drinking is a deal breaker for me. Mostly. I think people should wait until they are at least in their 20s and only drink on occasion, and responsibly - not to the point of becoming drunk. I can't stand the partying/drinking type. Which seems to be so many people these days (and I guess throughout history). Anywho, you're right, you can't control his life. But you can control yours, so if it's that big of a problem for you, you should find someone else because he's going to keep doing it probably. Otherwise can try to overlook it or talk to him about it - maybe he can avoid drinking so much that he has to pass out.

About the 15 year old, I'd be concerned what damage alcohol could be doing to her body. At 15 your brain (well, I believe it matures into your late 20s for men) and body are not finished growing and changing. Not sure how alcohol effects it though.

[Kidd]

I think you're being a little prudish over this.

He went to a graduation party. That's what people do at parties. They drink. I really think you need to cut him some slack with that one at least. It doesn't even take that much alcohol for someone to pass out, to be totally honest, and if he doesn't usually drink then it probably wasn't a whole lot. One bottle of Smirnoff split between three people isn't a big deal either unless it's like their first time, ever.

I think you're right to be a little concerned though, drinking below the age of 21 is a status offense, but it's very minor, and as long as no one is drinking and driving there really isn't a problem except for the 15 year old. She was way too young, and I definitely don't approve of that at all.

But really, there isn't anything wrong with a drink every now and then. Just cut loose a little bit, and relax, and don't be a killjoy.

[Filip]

Maybe the first disclaimer is: don't take people's drinking stories for the literal truth. Saying "I was so drunk I passed out" is often more a way of gaining street cred than it is a statement of fact. It isn't entirely impossible he was slightly tipsy and just went to bed (as most people do late at night ), and then exaggerated in an effort to sound cool.

While do think the 21-year drinking limit is silly (around here, you can get the lighter kinds of alohol at 16, and yet we seem to have less problems with it than the US does), I still do think it's a better bet to follow the law, though.

If you want to bring it up, I think you should, though. Not in a preachy way, just mentioning: "This might be silly of me, but I do get concerned a bit when I see you and others drinking. Do be careful". It makes your feelings clear, while not forcing him to do anything but take into account that you want him to be careful.

And above all, I do think it always helps to be a good example. I'm usually pretty open in rejecting alcohol altogether for the night ir limiting myself to one or two drinks (stopping well before I start feeling any effects), and I know some of my friends tell me I drive down the alcohol use by my mere presence.

[Revan]

Quick question, is this guy you're interested in gay or bi? I mean I know you're a bit bicurious/straightcurious...w/e. But you never really stated if the guy is, just that you're falling for him. I can understand u being a bit iffy about him drinking in case he is gay and ur maybe thinking of starting something with him. But if he's straight, then frankly...even if you're falling for him, him drinking frankly shouldn't matter.

[Chip]

OK, I think there are some fundamental issues that you need to think about.

First, you're absolutely not being a killjoy, prudish, or anything else if you don't like people drinking around you, regardless of whether it's because you don't like it, or because it isn't legal. While you can't control another person's behavior, you can choose what sort of behavior you want to be around. And contrary to Kidd's opinion or anyone else's, there are plenty of people that go to parties and don't drink, and/or otherwise choose not to partake of those types of activities.

Secondly, from an objective view, getting drunk once or twice in a month for an average teenager isn't a big deal. Drinking several times a week or more is, and again, drinking enough alcohol to pass out can be a serious concern, if that's really what happened. All of those can be indications of concerns about how responsible his alcohol use is, and, on a deeper level, could be an indication of an underlying depression or some sort of issue he's self-medicating for. This is a particularly common problem among gay teens because, as you might surmise, they tend to have a lot more baggage to deal with than their straight counterparts.

So the question becomes what's really going on with him. If he's just having a good time and these are a couple of out-of-character incidents then no big deal. If he's drinking really regularly, then this is potentially problematic, especially since it's something you don't seem to want around you, for whatever reason.

I'd echo Filip's suggestion: Talk to him, but in a non-preachy way, maybe gently ask him how he's doing otherwise and see if he gives any indication that he feels down or stressed or something and drinking makes him feel better. This is a huge red flag and an indicator that he probably needs help (therapist or counselor). Or maybe over time it will be clear that this isn't something he does very often.

What you can do is find out what the deal is, and then decide if it's something you want to deal with. If you don't like drunk people, then obviously this relationship probably won't work out in the long term... unless he volunteers that having the relationship with you is worth more to him than the alcohol. But asking him to give it up is probably not reasonable. And if he's using the alcohol to self-medicate for depression or anxiety, then that, too, is a sign of much bigger problems that I'd suggest you really think about before you decide to take them on.

[Hitchhiker]

Some of the responses on here are rather shocking; wanting to wait until something is legal is not prudish in any way. It's perfectly reasonable. Personally, I'm a teetotaler because I've seen what alcohol does to people and it is not something to be taken lightly, especially when he claims he is drinking until he passes out.

Anyways, I have the exact same problem with one of my friends, except she is 16. Basically I told her I knew I wasn't going to be able to do anything to stop her but I cared about her. Also tell him that you can give him a ride home if he is intoxicated because driving while drunk = a HUGE safety issue. Just tell him you are there to be a non-judgmental friend if he gets into trouble while out at a party or something. Even if you don't want to drink, you can still hang out with him and be his designated driver!

[Jay]

Also tell him that you can give him a ride home if he is intoxicated because driving while drunk = a HUGE safety issue.

This.

[JudasKissedHIM]

Well maybe you should get to know him better and find the trigger that makes him want to drink to the point of getting pissed. I got drunk throughout high school (passed out probably 10 times in my life) and thought it was cool and just the real way to party.

Only now that I've reached some level of "emotional intelligence" have I learned that I actually drank because of shit going down in my life. Multiple divorces, drama with more than one step dad + more than one step mom and not even mentioning the process of dealing with the fact that I was gay. So alcohol really did make life great- or at least it made weekends great.

What I’m trying to say is that his drinking might not be a shallow "let's fucking tear this house down" approach to partying/drinking but there might be reasons that he gets so drunk. He might not even realise it himself...

[shygeek]

Originally Posted by Filip

Maybe the first disclaimer is: don't take people's drinking stories for the literal truth. Saying "I was so drunk I passed out" is often more a way of gaining street cred than it is a statement of fact.

If you want to bring it up, I think you should, though. Not in a preachy way, just mentioning: "This might be silly of me, but I do get concerned a bit when I see you and others drinking. Do be careful". It makes your feelings clear, while not forcing him to do anything but take into account that you want him to be careful.

He is very honest when he talks to me, so when he (and the rest of his roommmates) said that he passed out, I believed it. I think it had something to do with family relationship issues, but I won't dig into that. I remember asking him once before if he drinks, I believe he said "very rarely, I'll have one if I'm at a party." That being said when I dropped him off at the party (a few blocks from his house, I said, in a sort of jokingly manner, "if you get too drunk to walk, call me :P")

Originally Posted by Revan

Quick question, is this guy you're interested in gay or bi? I can understand u being a bit iffy about him drinking in case he is gay and ur maybe thinking of starting something with him.

He's bisexual, the main reason I want to figure the drinking habit out is because I might be moving in with him soon, and I don't want to make a decision I'll regret.

Originally Posted by Hitchhiker

Also tell him that you can give him a ride home if he is intoxicated because driving while drunk = a HUGE safety issue.

Another reason why I don't drink is because I'm always the designated driver. Same when for my brother when he would drink at bars, I would bring him back at 3AM...

Again, thanks for all your help everyone!

[DoriaN]

There's already enough input in the thread so I'll just say this: In various parts of Canada the legal age is 18/19.

Where I'm from the age is 18, though I graduated when I was 17 and that was the first time I ever drank... and accidentaly got high without knowing >_>

...

That night was amazing XDDDD

[Helen XX]

I dont see any problem with it. Talk to him, or if it bothers you that much, end it with him.

[Flyers2011]

Talking to him is the best thing to do. You need to communicate how you feel about the drinking, even if you guys are just friends. How will he know if it bothers you if you don't tell him? And you might make him realize his drinking is getting out of control.

He might not decide to change. That's when you need to make the decision if it's worth being around him if he's going to drink his life away. If he's going to drink a lot now, it probably won't change until he hits rock bottom, but that's just an informed guess.

Number one thing? Talk to him and communicate your feelings. That's what will make your decision for you.

[PeterCottonTail]

Though it isn't crazy of you to be concerned about him you'll be hard pressed to find a 19 year old who doesn't enjoy drinking (and at that age people don't usually drink for the mere taste of it).

Also i know that alot of people including myself use "pass out" as just a way of saying "i fell asleep rather quickly."

[Lychee]

Where I'm from, and in quite a number of places, you're allowed to drink at 18. So I see absolutely nothing wrong with this.
Is the issue the alcohol, or the fact that he is doing something illegal?
If it is the alcohol, then, you do know that nothing magically happens when you turn 21 that means you can deal with alcohol or whatever - drinking at 19 isn't that big of a deal.
If it is the illegality as the underlying issue, then talk to him about that as opposed to the alcohol.

[Taylor]

Originally Posted by shygeek

Hi everyone, first time poster here.

I've started to fall for this guy, and it's all loves with doves etc, but I only have one problem with him. We're both 19 and he drinks. I don't want to sound controlling of his life, but at the same time I want to say something to him. I am a very shy individual myself, so I find it hard for me to make a move and ask him about his drinking habits. This problem mainly started out about a month ago; he (and his roommates) told me about a graduation party he went to, and that he came home badly intoxicated. While I want him to have a good time, I don't like the fact that he comes home so drunk that he passes out (at least what he told me). I think he could see the uneasy being shown from me, so I don't know if he's being fully honest. A more recent event was last night. While cooking for me and some friends he passed around a bottle of Smirnoff Ice, which he, my friend (19) and my friends little sister (15) drank, I declined. I'm not raised to say that LIQUOR IS EVIL or anything, I just believe that people shouldn't drink till it's legal. The same went for when I was in high school, I had a problem with my friends smoking. It doesn't bother me as much now that it's legal for people I hang out with to smoke, I just have that mentality. I just don't know how to stop caring about the ones I love.

Thanks

It's not that you're caring about people you love, it's that alcohol is a new thing you're scared of. Being 19 years old, I honestly find it unreasonable that you would have this issue with this guy. I can understand not being comfortable with the 15 year old, but there's a reason 19 year olds go to canada.

You're making drinking into this huge deal. I'm not sure if something happened with you and alcohol at one point in your life, but I think you're being too cautious. I'm sure if your friend was an alcoholic, you'd know. Also, the only reason your friend wouldn't tell you the truth about how much he drinks is because he knows you will be uncomfortable or upset if he did tell you.

As someone who is of age, i'm telling you that you're making a huge deal out of absolutely nothing. Kids drink and get into things they shouldn't. Now is the time for it, you're young and allowed to experiement. Drinking until you pass out because your body can't take anymore is a bad thing, but when most people refer to passing out, they're talking about falling asleep really fast, usually in bed or somewhere that they're planning on sleeping. He probably didn't just fall over and pass out for hours.

I think you need to let go of your worries and maybe just try getting drunk just one time and you'll understand it better and wont make such a big deal. It's not that you have to drink, but you should have a normal relationship with alcohol that doesn't make it an uncomfortable topic.

Alcohol shouldn't be a big issue. It's not heroin and you're acting like it's this awful drug that will ruin everyone's lives. Don't forget the majority of the entire world drinks. (and most of those people drink under 21).

(I'm also a big supporter of the idea of not knocking things till you try them)

[Mr.Pushover]

Originally Posted by Taylor

It's not that you're caring about people you love, it's that alcohol is a new thing you're scared of.

You're making drinking into this huge deal.

As someone who is of age, i'm telling you that you're making a huge deal out of absolutely nothing.

It's not heroin and you're acting like it's this awful drug that will ruin everyone's lives.

Being very critical today I see..


OP - it's okay to have this fear of alcohol. I have something like that because I just don't find it interesting to drink for the fun. If it's only a couple times he's drinking then it shouldn't be anything big, but if it's quite often that he's doing it, then there's a problem, but right now I'm just preaching to the choir.