Aspergers...

[Dave]

Well I'm not sure how to put this but I'll give it a try.

This week I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome by my psychologist.

After reading some of the information and books he's recommended about it I can definitely see that I have it and it actually explains a lot of things I copped a lot of crap for over the years. (Including some things that caused me to suffer a lot of abuse from peers and family)

Now this has come up and I understand what's been going on with me all my life, I'm left feeling really unsure and scared, and don't know what I should do, if I should do anything...

Also in reading some of the books about Aspergers it seems that people with aspergers have lots of relationship difficulties, and can either not be very affectionate or too affectionate, though I was hard pressed to find anything about LGBT people living with aspergers and their relationships (though this is probably due to lack of decent research done by me) and its scared me a little bit, and now I'm becoming self conscious of everything I do now when I try to find a partner.

Honestly I'm a little freaked out and not sure about myself, basically this has just been dropped on my head, and I have to wait until next month now to talk it out with my psychologist and figure everything out. Any thoughts or advice would be really appreciated...

[maverick]

I'm a schizoid personality, which has some overlap with the autistic/Asperger's community (there are a lot of docs who apparently think there is some sort of a correlation between autism and pathological/abnormal levels of introversion).

From the research I've done [basically just a headcount of GLBT-identified people who also identify autistic or schizoid] there seems to be an uncommonly high ratio of gays, lesbians, asexuals, and gender variant people in the autism/Asperger's/schizoid communities.

I don't know what that means. Could mean that genetically androgyny and autism are linked somehow. Could mean that a derogatory (oppressive) environment against GLBT people who are already emotionally sensitive brings out responsive social isolation and subsequent difficulty in human relations. The longer a person turns psychologically inward (out of self-protection or otherwise) the harder it is for that person to turn outward again and react with any of the nuances recognizable as solid with neurotypicals.

Could be Asperger's kids just get picked on growing up for being "different", and "different" just translates to "fag". So they get told over and over again that they're gay until they start to think that maybe that is what's wrong with them.

Could mean my sample group was for shit and in no way represents the real world. That conclusion seems most likely.

[Dave]

Yeah thanks I'm not too worried about my sexuality and/or Gender Identity, I'm very secure in that, I'm more concerned about the effects on my other aspects of my life and relationships to be honest

[maverick]

Originally Posted by Dave

Yeah thanks I'm not too worried about my sexuality and/or Gender Identity, I'm very secure in that, I'm more concerned about the effects on my other aspects of my life and relationships to be honest

I don't think it should effect you any differently than it already has, honestly. If you have been diagnosed with Asperger's, that means you've had it a long time and have been dealing with the consequences of that already.

I suggest the Asperger's/Autism community at wrongplanet.net. Seems like a knowledgable bunch.

[Just Passing]

I was diagnosed with Aspergers at around three and a half and having Aspergers is a difficult, but worthwhile life to have. I can get ridiculously affectionate with people I'm close too, but depending on the individual, it can be noticed by the person giving said affection. I sometimes notice these things.

Send me a PM if you want more help on this subject, I'll be happy to help.

[Mogget]

I also have the diagnosis, though I'm very high-functioning. It mainly trips me up in being very poor at reading social cues relate to lying (I tend to believe anything people tell me because the idea that someone would break the rules and lie is really hard to grasp) and in being very particular about physical contact. There are other aspects as well, general bafflement at social gatherings, high introversion, etc.

In general, it pales to insignificance against my other diagnoses.

[Fairybread]

I too have aspergers, was diagnosed when I was ten. Im high functioning as well, but it's never really bothered me. I used to be unable to read body language, but I can now, after a bit of work. It annoys my teachers, cos if I'm meant to write about say.. 500 words, ill generally range from about 490-510. I think I wrote about 2503 on a 2500 word minimum once

But yea. I have difficulty directing sarcasm, but I don't think my relationships have suffered for that reason (even though I have no friends). Oh well.

[Dave]

Yeah I'm really over-affectionate as well, I've found that I have had problems reading social cues, and actually lost a lot of friends because I couldn't pick up on any of the subtleties in their body language, and I also used to be bullied for that reason too, as I couldn't tell when people were lying to me for a long time.

I've also done the word minimum stuff myself, all through high school...

Also after doing some of the reading I've found I have some of the Sensory Sensitivity that people with aspergers sometimes get, and it actually explains why I could never eat some foods without being physically sick (such as Cooked Carrot, the stems of Broccoli, Beans, Pumpkin) because of the texture, it would cause my gag reflex to go off and I'd dry retch... Most of my teenage years I'd cop a large amount of abuse over this from family, so it's a little bit of a relief to have an explanation, though I'm feeling really depressed because I was put through hell and back because of it.

[Revan]

Anyone else finding it actually kinda a little weird that there are a lot of us gays with Asperger's? :S I mean there seems to be at least 5-10 of us alone on here. And while I know its like 1 in 5 people have autism these days...still oddly coincidental.

Note: When I say alone I don't mean we're alone, but more like saying "there's at least five people with guns alone , that's a lot already."

[Pseudojim]

I am also aspergers, and would fit more in the 'too affectionate' pile than the 'non affectionate' pile from the two stereotypes you mentioned.

It's not that bad. I think it's actually quite fun at times. Don't be unsettled, the best thing about it is that with help and understanding, you can easily learn to improve both yourself and your relationships over time =) you just have to learn to be aware of your own emotions first and how to interpret the causes of them and reasons for them. You can also learn to easily evoke empathy within yourself. It may never be instinctual, but that doesn't matter, you're not a damaged human =) merely different, and different in a great way, as far as i'm concerned! I want to meet other aspies, i only know one other, and i never get to see her any more! =P

A lot of people suffering mental illness/disability/disorder are not so lucky. There are many conditions that cause life-long difficulties in dealing with emotions, other people, life in general, etc... and most of them are not nearly so problematic as being aspie. Hit me up for some advice if ever you want to!

[maverick]

Anyone else finding it actually kinda a little weird that there are a lot of us gays with Asperger's?

I think it's interesting. I first noticed it in the schizoid message boards - there were a lot more transgendered folks visible there than anywhere else I'd seen outside of EC.

Then I did some poking on wrongplanet.net (the autism/asperger's forum) and found this:

Gay Aspergers ! - LGBT Discussion

While I am not aware of the statistics correlating Asperger's and homosexuality, I do know that there is a strong bi-directional relationship between Asperger's and transgender conditions - TGs are far more likely to have Asperger's than the population at large, and Aspies are disproportionately TG - especially natally female ones. As there is at least some suggestive evidence, albeit inconclusive, that in at least some cases TG conditions and homosexuality have overlapping causes, it is not unreasonable to hypothesise that Asperger's and homosexuality could also be correlated. Nothing scientific here, just a topic for a motivated researcher...

[Pseudojim]

I've always felt gender-neutral. Interesting.

[faultyat40]

Dave - it was great to find your post.
I've not long found out I'm an aspie. It has taken me a while to come to terms with it.
I find relationships difficult but not impossible, and am in a long term one. It needs a partner like mine who is understanding.
I struggle with intimacy, my temper, tend to be either cold or over the top emotional, struggle with sensual type sex.
I have struggled with these things all my adult life. Being diagnosed doesn't change this, but it helps me start to make sense of it all, and to forgive myself!

It has been liberating to discover there is a reason why I am like I am. I am not just odd, wrong in the head, difficult, selfish or any of the other things I have been called.

Knowledge is power and all that, so I am now able to relax more, start to come to terms with me and to adjust.

I have also been able to be proud of myself to getting as far as I have without a diagnosis. I am high functioning yes, but I have a career, some friends and a long term partner. I also came to terms with being gay despite growing up in a hostile environment.

I have also moderated my behaviours. I am obsessive but have learned how to moderate or hide them. I can even do a passable impression of someone who is sociable, aided by alcohol of course.

I think it will take me time to understand fully the impact it has had, and to work out where I go next. I have left therapy as I realise now that I don't need fixingi have a disorder that I cannot help. My task to to adapt to avoid hurting other people, not to try to change what is built into me.

Anyway, good luck. Try to enjoy begin on the outside.

[Owen]

There has been a lot of good advice given in this thread already, so I'll add my two cents as another Aspie on this forum. Depending on how severe your AS is, it can definitely be overcome, as I have done so myself. The trick is to try to approach it the way you would approach any other problem: systematically and logically. Sure, people are rarely that easy to understand, but since that's the way a brain with AS is wired to run, you have to work with what you've got. In time, those patterns you learn will become more intuitive, and once you get the big stuff down, the nitty-gritty details become easier to learn.

The big thing I have to say is that nothing needs to change now that you have a name for this part of who you are. It can, and certainly should, illuminate how you deal with the consequences of having AS, but you're still the same person you were before the diagnosis. All this piece of information does is make it clearer what you need to do to become whom you want to become.

[whiteshoes]

I am married to a 27 y/o with Asperger's (we're gay men) and can assure you it's the best if most complex relationship I have ever had. The right person probably will come along for you, but this is not to say it will be a smooth and carefree relationship:-)

We've been together 7 years, married for three of them and its very different than the usual to say the least. He is extremely uncomfortable in social situations, has no interest in sex and is very picky about meanings of specific word, nothing makes him more frustrated than if you use similes or cliches for example when attempting to describe your feelings or any abstract situation. A lot of nonsense arguements occur spontaneously because he uses extremely inflammatory language ("that's a LIE!") if I can't express myself with enough precision or resort to conventions of conversation that are just normal small-talk.

It's been a lot to learn, and a lot of hurt feelings until I developed a better understanding of his point of view, believe me I've never had to work so hard in my life. That said, I have never known a better or more delightful person, nor enjoyed spending time with anybody half as much. He is prone to what seem to me to be very exaggerated overreactions to his anxieties and broods on things quietly until they explode in a tantrum. It's something akin to living with a pet lion, all purring and fuzzy until he tries to eat you alive (apologies to the aspies for the simile).

He moved out on a whim 4 months ago leaving me in a very awkward position, but I doubt he was conscious of the specific problems his departure would cause, he'd been very frustrated with some issues in his job and social life and I think he felt he had take some kind of action to regain a feeling of control over his circumstances. I'm basically standing by patiently awaiting developments. I am sure he loves me and knows I love him and I am getting used to this kind of stuff after many years.

I wish I'd known more about Asperger's when I met him, took me a few years to determine why he had his little quirks, and longer still to develop some strategies for accomidating them, and things are exacerberated by his unwillingness to accept his diagnosis, but here we are...

Faultyat40, i especially enjoyed your comments, you sound quite a lot like my husband in the ways it has effected your life, thanks for the great post.

Anyhow, I am getting through our current situation and confident it will be OK before too long, but it wouldn't be possible if I didn't grasp some of the basics that make him how he is. A lot of the greatest attributes he has are a product or influenced positively by his asperger's and its a package deal.

If you're asperger's, relax and understand there are men who will appreciate you for what you are and be patient and understanding even if the world doesn't look the same to us.

Whiteshoes

[Charni]

I have ADHD which is (apparently) severe (40mg of Ritalin per day) and very mild aspergers too. I can't communicate well with others and I find it virtually impossible to converse for a lengthy period of time. I HATE people besides my girlfriend touching my back for ANY reason. I also can't pick up on hints from people and I can just go into my own little world in my head if I want to. I also am very affectionate (CUDDLES!!!!) with my girlfriend but thankfully she loves me cuddling up to her.

[Markio]

I think the reason there are a lot of LGBT people with Asperger's here is because online message boards do not contain all the same social cues as real-life interpersonal interactions.

I don't have Asperger's, but I do like how people are less likely to be subtle about their sarcasm online. I'm so tired of asking people if I can sit with them at lunch, them saying no, and then berating me for believing them and walking away. That's how asking questions are supposed to work!

[Hexagon]

While I am not aware of the statistics correlating Asperger's and homosexuality, I do know that there is a strong bi-directional relationship between Asperger's and transgender conditions - TGs are far more likely to have Asperger's than the population at large, and Aspies are disproportionately TG - especially natally female ones. As there is at least some suggestive evidence, albeit inconclusive, that in at least some cases TG conditions and homosexuality have overlapping causes, it is not unreasonable to hypothesise that Asperger's and homosexuality could also be correlated. Nothing scientific here, just a topic for a motivated researcher...

*raises hand sheepishly* I also have Aspergers... I've heard about the TG correlation, although I previously thought it was only trans guys who had the higher occurence of Aspergers/autism.

I live with it fairly well. As a rule, I don't believe what people say without proof because I'm not a good lie detector (although I can lie very well myself(duh, no one knew i was trans for years)), I always laugh at jokes if other people do, and I avoid expressing opinions about things other people take for granted. Those seem to be my weak areas, so I just live with it. No... the world isn't exactly the same for me, I think, but thats alright.

EDIT: weirdly, I think my aspergers is more connected to my male identity than to my previous one. Its weird, but its come out more since I transitioned, although I definitely remember it before hand. Maybe its just because I started being honest with myself...

[Revan]

From that link I do kinda like this:

since Aspies don't conform to, or are not aware of, social sexual stereotypes they are free to explore their sexuality as they see fit.

I mean it may sound a little silly but same time, I do kinda find it an interesting way to think of it.

[Allecto]

Originally Posted by Revan

From that link I do kinda like this:

I mean it may sound a little silly but same time, I do kinda find it an interesting way to think of it.

The problem is that it usually ends up weirding out other people in the process. I have Asperger's and I have trouble talking to people who I'm interested in because I'm scared of committing some unwritten social faux pas. I know a lot of other people with Asperger's have trouble with relationships.