My brain feels like a knot

I'm finding it extremely difficult to explain how i feel. I'm feel aggravated, disappointed, apathetic, lonely, hopeless, confused and extremely fatigued. I dont even feel like doing this, but i know i must muster the strength to get it over with so that i can allow others to help me because i dont think it's normal.

I feel like my brain is a mess. I can't concentrate on anything because my thoughts are always shifting. I find it hard to pay attention to anyone, at anytime. I'm so engaged internally that i can't process what's happening around me.

It saddens me that it's almost impossible for me to establish a connection with anyone. I can't find any interest in what people talk to me about, and if i pretend to be interested, simply for the sake of conversation, i just become more and more desperate to get away. I can't suggest or bring up a subject that i would like to talk about, either, because most of the time they're not interested and that ends up taking a toll on my confidence.

It pisses me off that people want me to stop smiling and stop being innocent. It pisses me off that they want me to look at life with a serious perspective and to always expect the worst because they say it's full of pain, sacrifices, and deceivers. It depresses me when they always tell me to be "realistic" in the times of my life when i truly believe anything is possible. And it pisses me off that this will always continue to happen, because i dont wanna change the person i am and these people will never understand that. I feel as if i've given them too much consideration and attention, and now they feel as though they can make me live my life the way they want to and be the person they want me to be.

It makes me feel alone, that i can't run to anyone and talk about my concerns, my hopes, and my inner-conflicts because they won't understand. They can't possibly understand. At best they'll just write me off with a general solution like "just try harder." At its worse, they'll think i'm insane and they'll treat me like some sort of retard. It makes me feel so lonely, that i can't run to anyone for advice or a solution, because they always disappoint me with their answers. They dont understand my questions. But no matter what they say, they're wrong! They're wrong because i can come up with a better answer. I can come up with a better explanation but i doubt myself if i'm right...

It infuriates me to see weakness in someone with so much potential. To see people who suffer because they are too ignorant or stubborn to accept a logical solution. But it infuriates me the most that i cause great pain to the person i love the most, because she can't understand me and i can't understand her. I give her tough love, because i want to make her stronger, since each passing day i see her crumble more and more. When will i realize that time is taking her away from me, and what i need to do is start expressing the true and pure, immense love i have for her? When will i be able to make the change from that person who screams and shrugs and become the person who is compassionate and sweet? Atleast that's how i believe i should be with my mother. I wanna be able to laugh with her at the silly mistakes she makes, instead of screaming at her, I wanna be able to help her accomplish something that is meaningful to her, instead of watching her struggle while i hope that she'll give up because i think it's pointless/stupid, I wanna start treating her like a person who loves instead of someone who one would think, hates her. But i find it difficult to make this transition. Help.

I feel I will always be sad that i will never be able to be 100% myself with anyone, because no one will ever accept me. I feel i am too out of sync with the rest of the world, and i'm doomed to die with the comfort of my own thoughts. Nonetheless, I enjoy life. What drives me to remain alive are the new experiences stored in my future, good or bad. It's exciting to feel alive through the emotions we feel. New experiences and adventures bring me an immense amount of joy, and to know there is more than a lifetime, full of them, gives me the confidence to look forward, even if i must carry these heavy burdens upon my shoulder. The only threats standing in my way, is the death of my mother/sister, and hopefully by then, i will have the drive to overcome them.

---------- Post added 31st Oct 2011 at 07:07 PM ----------

-addition-

The never-ending fatigue comes from the fact that most of the time i'm struggling to keep myself from cracking. Usually what helps is ignoring everything and just thinking positive, but then i feel guilty for not trying to solve my problems. I definitely dont wanna see a shrink. I don't think i have the tolerance and patience for that.

[Mogget]

Originally Posted by Chrisyan

I definitely dont wanna see a shrink. I don't think i have the tolerance and patience for that.

In general, the length of time it takes to solve problems without therapy is vastly longer than the time it takes to solve them with therapy. Could you explain what you mean by not having the tolerance and patience for therapy?

Originally Posted by Liam

In general, the length of time it takes to solve problems without therapy is vastly longer than the time it takes to solve them with therapy. Could you explain what you mean by not having the tolerance and patience for therapy?

First I would like to admit that i've never had any sort of therapy, so i wouldn't know what it would feel like to be in one. I'm making that statement based on what i think it would feel like, using the information i've read and heard, provided by people who have that experience. I wouldnt have the patience to deal with the effect of having a schedule, meaning one works on the issues steps by steps, bits by bits, with a long time in between. I'd get desperate to get everything over with. The reason i mentioned tolerance is because I feel a little insulted that someone has to help me with mental problems. Please understand that i'm just trying to be completely honest. I honestly believe that i'm logical and very strong mentally, so i feel i can solve this myself if i only knew what needs to be acomplished. And i also believe there is not a therapist outthere who can understand me completely and help me solve the issue in a manner in which i would be satisfied. I would really have to admire this person for me to believe in what he's doing. But most importantly, i suppose, i dont have the funds.

However, i would really for you to attempt to help me, if you are willing to do so. And is there any way to make this private between me and the admis? i'm feeling embarrassed.

[Eleanor Rigby]

Originally Posted by Chrisyan

However, i would really for you to attempt to help me, if you are willing to do so. And is there any way to make this private between me and the admis? i'm feeling embarrassed.

You can PM any of the staff members or post in Ask the staff. Your thread will be visible to you and staff only.
Take care , Cécile

[Robert]

You shouldnt feel embarrassed. This is a really good rant. I can, on some levels, relate to it.

Would you care to list the things that you ignore so we may understand better what your situation is like (that is, of course, if you're still using this thread)?

[openlydenying]

I just wanted to say that i can relate to how you feel regarding your relationship with your mum. I havent lived at home now for about 7 years....but when i did, we would argue constantly and i would behave like a spoilt child. Now, when i am away from her - i think of the way she is as funny and endearing - but if i visit home for just an hour, i find myself reverting to my teenage moody self. I think its probably difficult if you are still living there. It sounds like you have some kind of frustration with her - which maybe you need to deal with. Don't beat yourself up about it, but maybe take the time one day - when you are not feeling so stroppy - to tell her you are sorry for the way you behave and you do love her. But, that it's difficult for yout o change that behaviour.

I think a better relationship does also come with age, and probably most of all if and when you feel able to open up to her about what's on your mind.

Good luck