Social Anxiety

[VulpesVulpes]

One of the things I have found to be a major obstacle in meeting other LGBQT people in the area is my phobia of social situations. I avoid bars, clubs, and other loud places in general, but I also find myself not wanting to go to art galleries, coffeehouses, and other potential venues where I might meet someone with similar interests. Does anyone else have this problem of feeling the need to meet others but shying away from the social situations? It's kind of a catch-22, isn't it?

On the handful of dates I have gone on, I think I quickly kill any mutual interest by being socially awkward or unnecessarily quiet. I don't mean to, but I have a hard time striking up a conversation when I first meet someone.

[Doctor Faustus]

Learn the art of good conversation. Be curious about people. You don't know just who you might meet by reaching out and saying hi. The other person will probably appreciate you looking out for them tbh.

Can't find, for example, an LGBT literary circle or book group (if you have literary interests)? Set one up! Post flyers round Albuquerque. You don't have to give a (full) name, just a number, time and venue (presumably somewhere relatively public so people won't get freaked out). If you never try, you'll never know whether it was a good idea or not. You can only learn from experience. Better to say you had a good go and failed than to say you didn't try at all. Just take the positives as well as the negatives.

Have a go. Take a risk. Be adventurous. You never know what might come of it.

Hope this helps.

F.

[alan t]

Originally Posted by VulpesVulpes

Does anyone else have this problem of feeling the need to meet others but shying away from the social situations? It's kind of a catch-22, isn't it?

Yes. Yes.

Sorry I can't be of any more help.

[ilayis]

You might be shy and fear of what might happen after you start talking....Thats just me and I'm guessing thats how it is

[Jonathan]

Yups, I have the same problem as you and it's definitely a catch-22.

Do I know hot to solve this...not really
Sorry I couldnt really help

[jenn288]

Hey, I totally know how you feel. I was diagnosed with social anxiety at a relatively young age and my doctor wanted to put me on a bunch of medications. I researched them all and a lot of them seemed to be anti-depressents and when I told my doctor this she just said that anxiety and depression were on the same wavelength (or something like that) in the brain. That explanation didn't really sit with me too well but I still had the problem of my incredibly debilitating social anxiety. I just kind of woke up one morning and realized that I couldn't live my life this way, being scared of talking to people and even just leaving my home, and realized that I would have to work to change things. I'll share what I did and hopefully it will help you!

I started by getting up half an hour earlier every morning, made a cup of tea and pictured how I wanted myself to behave throughout the day. This just helped get me in the right mindset. And every week I would set a goal for myself. For instance one of my big problems was talking on the phone. I was terrified of calling anyone on the phone, friends, my soccer coach, doctor, anyone! So one week I told myself I was going to call my dentist and make an appointment (instead of getting my sister to do it for me). It took me 3 days to work up the courage, but eventually I did it and once it was over I realized that it wasn't so bad. Over the years I've upped the goals, and forced myself into situations that I wouldn't be able to have handled years ago.

I remember one time I had a doctor's appointment and I ended up sitting in the waiting room for 4 hours because they had forgot about me but I was too scared to approach the clerk at the desk to let her know (I'm making it seem like I was at the doctor's a lot, I swear I wasn't though haha)! Now I would have no problem approaching the clerk and informing her (and I would do it a lot sooner than after 4 hours of waiting)!

So I guess what I would suggest trying is making goals for yourself. Tell yourself that sometime in the next week you will go to a certain coffee house, by yourself, and just hang out for a bit. Then the next week you can tell yourself that you're going to go to the coffee house and make eye contact with someone. And so on and so on. I'm not sure if this approach will help you, but it's been effective for me. I'm not saying that I don't still struggle with it, but i've definitely improved. Just last week I even volunteered to participate in a mock criminal trial in which I would be judged. It was harsh and the judge pretty much ripped me apart lol! But I was proud of myself because 17 year old me would have never been able to put myself up for rejection like that!

Sorry for the novel and I hope this helps!

Jenn

[Remy]

^ I think that will benefit anyone's life, be it with social anxiety or not. Great advice ( ' -')b

[seeksanctuary]

Find books or classes about confidence-building. I don't know about you, but part of my social anxiety is that I lack confidence and I feel like I'll say or do something stupid; part of being more social is reducing that feeling, and just going with the flow.

Also, I'd try and start being social in more relax locations. Forgo bars and clubs for now, and work on those art galleries and coffee shops! Just go there and hang out. Make it your goal to smile at one person. It's a small step, but it's a step! If you go to a coffee shop, order a coffee; smile at the person as you approach and just say "good morning". That's it. Eventually, work up to smiling at anyone who meets your eyes, and then up to greeting people and small talk. It'll take time, and you'll have to take risks, but you can do it.

You might also benefit from therapy. Therapists tend to have great advice for overcoming social anxiety. I still have social anxiety... I always will... but I can at least go into a store now by myself and talk to the cashier about the weather. That's better than nothing!

And, you know... You can also inform people that you have social anxiety, and that any quietness on your part isn't their fault. Just let them know that it takes you a while to feel comfortable. Anyone worth your time will understand.

[SA Boy]

I struggle with many of those problems but unfortunately have not got any good advice because of the fact that i still have quite severe SA and am not that close to overcoming it. Thanks for starting this thread though the advice is great.
Good luck

[Taylor]

Remember, we are all human. The other person's experience will likely be similar to yours, so if you just start conversation and try to act casual, like anything they say won't matter to you, they will take the same attitude.

That's why if you come out to someone in a casual way, they are likely to take it more casually, but if you came out to someone expecting them to get angry, they are more likely to get angry.

If someone came up to you and just started a casual conversation, you wouldn't freak out at them or judge them, you would likely respond in the same tone.

[ameliepoulain]

I think what jenn288 said is really good advice. I get really nervous before going to parties and things, even when I know loads of my friends will be there. Something I find helps is to remember when I've done something similar in the past and it went OK and I really enjoyed myself. I find it's so much easier to feel positive after doing that. Hope that maybe helps you

[Z3ni]

Yeah I have SA, not as bad as it used to be.. BUT its still there, I feel like I'm almost out of it, but theres some shit I need to deal with. Just think forward, when your in the "can't move, feeling stuck" situation, and paranoia, ignore it and go forward.. I'm no good at explainin it but it works!

Remember the more you think about it, the more it worse it gets.

P.s it sucks coz, people think I'm an arsehole and ignorant, but they don't know why I'm like this! So I have to carry guilt with me everytime it happens

[pronua]

I also have social anxiety, It will probably be difficult to meet other gay people in the future. I know where you're coming from sadly

[DJT]

I have - or had this, I've had social anxiety since i was 13. I think it was a mixture of high school bullying and not accepting who i was (not wanting to be gay :/) but i got help from my doctor (i didn't take antidepressants, i used therapy). It took me a while but through CBT sessions i over came my fear and i can go out and meet people. You could get help from your doctor, therapy helped me build up my self-esteem and made me more confident. Hope this helps

[Countervail]

I have social anxiety to.

large crowd scares me, as well as opening up to someone and breaking up the ice.

I'd like to talk to people but people find me as the shy-type of person, they didn't that I have SA.

[Glispee]

Exercise: Research on anxiety & depression shows that the psychological and physical
benefits of exercise canalso help reduce anxiety and depression while improving mood.
30 to 40 minutesof exercise 3 to 4 times a week is all that is needed.

i think before you can date you need to really work on the social anxiety stuff because its hard to date someone or be on a date with them when they are mute or withdrawn or you feel like you have to pull things out of them. most people want to date so they can have the interaction with another human. however, if that other human does not give you anything back, whats the point of dating them. also, if you want to go to galleries and coffeehouses, those are cool places but if you are too shy or uninterested in striking up conversation with someone, you essentially are saying that someone else has to do all the work. true, this can happen and people will approach you at times but even then if yoiu are not talking then the conversatin will die down.

you can seek therapy to figure out why you have social anxiety and work on ways to cahnge it. you can give yourself litltle challenges : say hi to a stranger today. strike up a conversation with someone randomly tht seems friendly. etc. give yourself challenges to help you and then once you accomplish them give yourself a harder challenge. soon you will be more comfortable.

[Hana Solo]

I too have social anxiety. Usually what I do is try to go to places and do things- but if I can't manage it, try not to feel too bad about leaving. I view leaving as 'running away' and 'weak' but I'm slowly realising that its not running away, I have a genuine problem, I'm not a coward, I'm just recovering from an illness. If you view social anxiety as a genuine problem, then it tends to help, at least for me.

[PoiYote]

I have pretty severe social anxiety, but making sure to practice 10-15 minutes of mindfulness meditation before going to bed and working out for 30-45 minutes first thing in the morning (weekdays only) helps loads. Unfortunately, I've lapsed the past few months, and I can definitely tell a difference!

Making sure to go out and interact with people helps too, but for me, making sure to fit meditation and exercise into my daily routine helps my mind and body self-medicate and makes attempts at socialization a lot easier.
Meditation and exercise also helps me deal with depression, ADHD, PTSD and panic disorder, in case you or anybody reading this is dealing with any of those as well. Granted, those things aren't cure-alls like I'm making them sound, but they definitely make it easier for me to cope with those problems, and they might help you or others as well.

Hope I was of some help!

[Tracker57]

A good friend of mine who is a politician pointed out that when you go somewhere where other people are, THEY are just as hungry for companionship and conversation as you are. Other people actually want someone to talk to them and may be just as reluctant to talk to you. Listen to Jenn288. And start slowly!
Another good thing to remember is that everyone is on a different place in the introvert-extrovert scale. Don't beat yourself up over being too introverted...there is no magic standard. There's just you. You are who you are. Enjoy it!