My battle with anorexia and bulimia - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Rooni321 · 30th Dec 2011, 12:51 PM

Not sure if this goes in Support and Advice but I'm not looking for either really.
This is my story about my struggle. That's it.
(And its long lol)

Well in the 8th grade I became a vegetarian because I was gaining so much weight and over eating when it came to unhealthy meats, I have been very happy with the results and I hope to never go back to eating meat. I had lost a lot of weight and I was perfectly healthy but I met this guy that I wanted to impress and I couldn't stop losing weight. There is where I found myself purging and starving myself and became sick. I was so skinny. I would stroke my hip bones and ribs while watching Americas Next Top Model and praise my thin, fragile body. Everyone was complementing me and my weight loss. And you know what's funny? I still thought I was fat.
In the year of 2009 I found that the one I hurt myself for was abusive and he came and went but my eating disorder still stayed with me. All the way until I met another guy, stayed with him for years, and gained more weight. I was back at where I started. He came and went, I was devistated and fat. But with time, in the year of 2011, I found kick boxing and I was as confident as could be and I wouldn't take it so bad when I was rejected. That lasted 6 months and in October of this year, I met a girl. My eating disorder was acting up again, really bad this time though. I bowed down to the toilet and gave it my meals, I had meltdowns in front of the fridge because I couldn't have anything in it. My hair would fall out and I would get intense headaches.
I just wanted to be good enough. I wanted her to like me.
Now she does and she's my girlfriend and I found out she doesn't like starving girls. She loves my body and hates what's I'm doing to myself because she liked me the instant she saw me AND my body especially.
So here I am now, I'm still struggling a tad but instead of focusing on getting skinny I'm focusing on just being healthy. I didn't realize that what people say it true, that you shouldn't change yourself because you're exactly what somebody is looking for. I feel bad that I let myself get here, my bones are visible again and its so hard to pick myself up, but I'm trying. All I did during that whole grueling process was kill myself.
I may not be naturally great looking like my sister or take amazing pictures like models but I have other amazing qualities that are dieing with my body. My soul is near death, my confidence is down, my insecurity is up along with my envy and need to validate myself through others. So I'm glad I was slapped back into reality by someone who cares and am working on fixing this problem by myself for now because I know myself better than anyone else. Of course, therapy will come into the picture but for now I'm trying to work on this so I can be the best person I can be, for myself and the world.

Anyways,
I hope this works, congrats to you if you read all of that!
Thanks for reading

Hexagon · 30th Dec 2011, 01:20 PM

You remind me of me. I self harmed as opposed to starved, but I struggled with it a lot.

Rooni321 · 30th Dec 2011, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RubiksCube

You remind me of me. I self harmed as opposed to starved, but I struggled with it a lot.

Aye, I do that too lol
But I'm trying to end that as well, none of that is good for me.

30th Dec 2011, 12:51 PM	#1
Rooni321 EC's Hopeless Romantic Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: gay, str8, bi Out Status: Out to everyone Location: San Francisco, California <3 Age: 17 Posts: 1,321 Join Date: Oct 2011	My battle with anorexia and bulimia Not sure if this goes in Support and Advice but I'm not looking for either really. This is my story about my struggle. That's it. (And its long lol) Well in the 8th grade I became a vegetarian because I was gaining so much weight and over eating when it came to unhealthy meats, I have been very happy with the results and I hope to never go back to eating meat. I had lost a lot of weight and I was perfectly healthy but I met this guy that I wanted to impress and I couldn't stop losing weight. There is where I found myself purging and starving myself and became sick. I was so skinny. I would stroke my hip bones and ribs while watching Americas Next Top Model and praise my thin, fragile body. Everyone was complementing me and my weight loss. And you know what's funny? I still thought I was fat. In the year of 2009 I found that the one I hurt myself for was abusive and he came and went but my eating disorder still stayed with me. All the way until I met another guy, stayed with him for years, and gained more weight. I was back at where I started. He came and went, I was devistated and fat. But with time, in the year of 2011, I found kick boxing and I was as confident as could be and I wouldn't take it so bad when I was rejected. That lasted 6 months and in October of this year, I met a girl. My eating disorder was acting up again, really bad this time though. I bowed down to the toilet and gave it my meals, I had meltdowns in front of the fridge because I couldn't have anything in it. My hair would fall out and I would get intense headaches. I just wanted to be good enough. I wanted her to like me. Now she does and she's my girlfriend and I found out she doesn't like starving girls. She loves my body and hates what's I'm doing to myself because she liked me the instant she saw me AND my body especially. So here I am now, I'm still struggling a tad but instead of focusing on getting skinny I'm focusing on just being healthy. I didn't realize that what people say it true, that you shouldn't change yourself because you're exactly what somebody is looking for. I feel bad that I let myself get here, my bones are visible again and its so hard to pick myself up, but I'm trying. All I did during that whole grueling process was kill myself. I may not be naturally great looking like my sister or take amazing pictures like models but I have other amazing qualities that are dieing with my body. My soul is near death, my confidence is down, my insecurity is up along with my envy and need to validate myself through others. So I'm glad I was slapped back into reality by someone who cares and am working on fixing this problem by myself for now because I know myself better than anyone else. Of course, therapy will come into the picture but for now I'm trying to work on this so I can be the best person I can be, for myself and the world. Anyways, I hope this works, congrats to you if you read all of that! Thanks for reading __________________ "The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially." Ernest Hemingway

30th Dec 2011, 01:20 PM	#2
Hexagon Bright Spark Full Member Gender: ?TM transguy Orientation: Panromantic Asexual Out Status: Pending review Location: Somerset, UK Age: 17 Posts: 1,051 Join Date: May 2011	Re: My battle with anorexia and bulimia You remind me of me. I self harmed as opposed to starved, but I struggled with it a lot. __________________ When god has low self-esteem, does that make him an atheist?

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