Hello everyone - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

Thoughtsrus · 7th Dec 2011, 02:01 PM

Hi everybody,

I'm looking for ways to totally accept myself as a gay man and I went through this website. Although I seem to be older than most members, I give it a shot.

On the path of acceptance, assuming that the stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, it's been like this:

- 20-year old - denial stage: I stopped denial and accepted the idea of being gay when I was 20.
- 23-year old - anger stage - I came out to my family and my anger unravelled: I didn't speak to my mom for 4 years, cut all my former friends off my life. The anger was directed at everything including my native country - France - so I went abroad.
- Now - 34-year old: bargaining - I'm reconciled with my mom and former friends but still bargaining about my sexuality, still not accepting it completely. I only fell in love once with a guy - and I'm still not completely comfortable with the idea of being gay.

I was confused about who I was during so many years: I chose studies that I probably wouldn't have chosen had I known and same thing for career choice.

At 34, I feel I should have gotten over it - but I'm not totally. As I made it to this day, I think I can survive pretty much anything because I've been through a lot. I'm sure I will be done with it one day but it would rather be sooner rather than later! Why is it on earth that these ideas we're brought up with have to be so sticky?

I would do anything to be comfortable with myself because I owe it to myself: I just don't know what to do and/or read and/or think and/or experience right now and I'm not in contact with many gay people as I live currently in a small town! Please, help me!

Mirko · 7th Dec 2011, 02:10 PM

Hi there! Welcome to EC!

You have come pretty far in your journey to self-acceptance and your coming out. Don't lose sight of that. Congrats on your journey thus far.

It is okay to still be uncomfortable with being gay and it is also okay to take your time in working on becoming comfortable. I don't know if you have given it a try but have you tried participating in some LGBT social groups or support groups. Sometimes, being part of LGBT support and/or social groups can really help in becoming more comfortable because you start sharing your experiences and also learn about others' experiences that can help you to gain a new perspective. This in turn allows you to become more comfortable with yourself. How far do you live from a larger urban centre in Ontario?

Also, hang out here on EC for a while. EC has helped me to become more comfortable as well. Write about your experiences and try to share them with others. That alone could help.

Take your time in becoming comfortable. Maybe try exploring the feelings around not being comfortable and try to understand and address them slowly.

Doctor Faustus · 7th Dec 2011, 02:24 PM

Salut! J’espère que tout va bien!

Je suis heureux que vous avez trouvé EC. Tout le monde va faire leur meilleur effort à vous aider

. Je m’appelle Gah-Kai et je suis né ici en Angleterre, bien que mes parents soient d’origine chinoise. Parmi les familles chinoises, on attends à ce que l’on se marie, aie des enfants &c. donc je sais exactement les difficulties auxquels vous devez faire face en ce qui concerne votre sexualité. Je suis certain, après avoir passé du temps ici, que vous devenez plus à l’aise avec votre identité. Je suis devenu plus à l’aise en dépit du fait que j’ai commencé à m’accepter il y a 18 ou 20 mois et je n’ai que passé deux mois ici sur EC.

Écrivez-moi si vous avez des questions.

Amitiés,

Gah-Kai

Artemicion · 7th Dec 2011, 02:42 PM

Hello and welcome to EC! I'd follow with what Mirko mentioned (and I have no idea what Doctor Faustus posted above as I have extremely poor French xD), stick around EC, it has helped me a lot just by reading what other people have posted.

Nazo · 7th Dec 2011, 02:56 PM

Heyo, welcome to EC!

silverhalo · 7th Dec 2011, 03:14 PM

Hey welcome to EC.

thecat06 · 7th Dec 2011, 06:43 PM

Hello and Welcome!!

alan t · 7th Dec 2011, 07:15 PM

hi!

Hanging out with other gay people is a great thing to do. I don't know where your small town is in Ontario but are you able to travel to Toronto, Ottawa, Hamilton, Kitchener or any other city? There are queer social groups in all those places. you should definitely try to go to some if you can make it.

welcome to EC, I hope you enjoy it here

Thoughtsrus · 7th Dec 2011, 08:07 PM

Thank you everyone! I'm really grateful for your support - it's like a breath of fresh air.

@ Mirko: I used to participate in a LGBT center a few years ago, and looking back on this experience, I think it helped me a lot to understand what I was going through. I live in Northern Ontario and it's very far from the bigger cities. There is a local LGBT community on Facebook though; I guess I could post there for a start. Also, I'm going to post on EC as you suggest - I need an outlet to express my feelings and thoughts - and read other people posts is gonna help too.

@Gah-Kai: Merci beaucoup de ton accueil et bravo pour ton français impeccable!
Ma famille est aussi très traditionnelle et a des vues conservatrices et l'homosexualité était trés mal vue, c'est-à-dire, comme pas naturel et aussi comme perversion. Les attentes de mes parents pour moi étaient donc aussi un mariage et des enfants. Cependant, même s'ils ont eu un choc initialement, ils l'ont accepté lorsque je leur ai dit que j'étais gay.
Je vais passer du temps sur EC car j'ai beaucoup de choses à exprimer et parler de nos expériences respectives est probablement la chose la plus importante que je puisse faire pour m'accepter comme je suis: il y a souvent une part de nous-même qui est révélée dans les expériences intimes des autres.

@ThinksTooMuch: I think it's going to help me to read the posts effectively! The fact is that I used to think that I would accept myself if I worked on 'having' more things rather than on my way of 'being'. I tried very hard to have more stuff and it didn't do much in terms of acceptance so I want to focus on 'being' now.

@Nazo and @silverhalo: thanks a lot for making me feel welcome here!

alex2020 · 7th Dec 2011, 08:47 PM

Bienvenue!!

7th Dec 2011, 02:01 PM	#1
Thoughtsrus Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Ontario, Canada Age: 34 Posts: 38 Join Date: Dec 2011	Hello everyone Hi everybody, I'm looking for ways to totally accept myself as a gay man and I went through this website. Although I seem to be older than most members, I give it a shot. On the path of acceptance, assuming that the stages are denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance, it's been like this: - 20-year old - denial stage: I stopped denial and accepted the idea of being gay when I was 20. - 23-year old - anger stage - I came out to my family and my anger unravelled: I didn't speak to my mom for 4 years, cut all my former friends off my life. The anger was directed at everything including my native country - France - so I went abroad. - Now - 34-year old: bargaining - I'm reconciled with my mom and former friends but still bargaining about my sexuality, still not accepting it completely. I only fell in love once with a guy - and I'm still not completely comfortable with the idea of being gay. I was confused about who I was during so many years: I chose studies that I probably wouldn't have chosen had I known and same thing for career choice. At 34, I feel I should have gotten over it - but I'm not totally. As I made it to this day, I think I can survive pretty much anything because I've been through a lot. I'm sure I will be done with it one day but it would rather be sooner rather than later! Why is it on earth that these ideas we're brought up with have to be so sticky? I would do anything to be comfortable with myself because I owe it to myself: I just don't know what to do and/or read and/or think and/or experience right now and I'm not in contact with many gay people as I live currently in a small town! Please, help me!

7th Dec 2011, 02:10 PM	#2
Mirko Molitva Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out and about Location: British Columbia, Canada Age: 35 Posts: 10,058 Join Date: Apr 2008	Re: Hello everyone Hi there! Welcome to EC! You have come pretty far in your journey to self-acceptance and your coming out. Don't lose sight of that. Congrats on your journey thus far. It is okay to still be uncomfortable with being gay and it is also okay to take your time in working on becoming comfortable. I don't know if you have given it a try but have you tried participating in some LGBT social groups or support groups. Sometimes, being part of LGBT support and/or social groups can really help in becoming more comfortable because you start sharing your experiences and also learn about others' experiences that can help you to gain a new perspective. This in turn allows you to become more comfortable with yourself. How far do you live from a larger urban centre in Ontario? Also, hang out here on EC for a while. EC has helped me to become more comfortable as well. Write about your experiences and try to share them with others. That alone could help. Take your time in becoming comfortable. Maybe try exploring the feelings around not being comfortable and try to understand and address them slowly. __________________ ~ Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are ~

7th Dec 2011, 02:24 PM	#3
Doctor Faustus EC's resident Philosopher at Large Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Not straight. But only interested in men. xD Out Status: People who ask me. People whom I trust. Location: Basingstoke Posts: 1,610 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: Hello everyone Salut! J’espère que tout va bien! Je suis heureux que vous avez trouvé EC. Tout le monde va faire leur meilleur effort à vous aider . Je m’appelle Gah-Kai et je suis né ici en Angleterre, bien que mes parents soient d’origine chinoise. Parmi les familles chinoises, on attends à ce que l’on se marie, aie des enfants &c. donc je sais exactement les difficulties auxquels vous devez faire face en ce qui concerne votre sexualité. Je suis certain, après avoir passé du temps ici, que vous devenez plus à l’aise avec votre identité. Je suis devenu plus à l’aise en dépit du fait que j’ai commencé à m’accepter il y a 18 ou 20 mois et je n’ai que passé deux mois ici sur EC. Écrivez-moi si vous avez des questions. Amitiés, Gah-Kai __________________ "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Teresa.

7th Dec 2011, 02:42 PM	#4
Artemicion :D :D :D Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Anyone who asks, but parents in denial. Location: Vancouver BC Canada Age: 23 Posts: 1,112 Join Date: Aug 2010	Re: Hello everyone Hello and welcome to EC! I'd follow with what Mirko mentioned (and I have no idea what Doctor Faustus posted above as I have extremely poor French xD), stick around EC, it has helped me a lot just by reading what other people have posted.

7th Dec 2011, 02:56 PM	#5
Nazo Janis Ian's Lesbian Crush Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Facebook, not hiding at college Location: Michigan Age: 19 Posts: 2,071 Join Date: Dec 2010	Re: Hello everyone Heyo, welcome to EC! __________________ are you feeling like a prisoner are you living life the way you want giving time to ones you love are you giving time to who you are

7th Dec 2011, 03:14 PM	#6
silverhalo EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: Quite a few Location: England, Age: 29 Posts: 3,166 Join Date: Dec 2008	Re: Hello everyone Hey welcome to EC.

7th Dec 2011, 06:43 PM	#7
thecat06 EC's Biggest LNJF and SNL fan!! Full Member Gender: Let's say Pangender! Orientation: Let's say gay!! Out Status: Out to parents, campus, and 75 friends on facebook Location: Central and Northern Ohio Age: 19 Posts: 2,504 Join Date: Jun 2011	Re: Hello everyone Hello and Welcome!! __________________ So many years have passed, since I proclaimed my independence, my mission, my aim, and my vision, so secure, content to live each day like it's my last, it's wonderful to know, that I could be, something more than what I dreamed, far beyond what I could see -Dream Theater

7th Dec 2011, 07:15 PM	#8
alan t EC Addict Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: A few people Location: ontario, canada Age: 27 Posts: 340 Join Date: Jun 2010	Re: Hello everyone hi! Hanging out with other gay people is a great thing to do. I don't know where your small town is in Ontario but are you able to travel to Toronto, Ottawa, Hamilton, Kitchener or any other city? There are queer social groups in all those places. you should definitely try to go to some if you can make it. welcome to EC, I hope you enjoy it here

7th Dec 2011, 08:07 PM	#9
Thoughtsrus Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: Ontario, Canada Age: 34 Posts: 38 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: Hello everyone Thank you everyone! I'm really grateful for your support - it's like a breath of fresh air. @ Mirko: I used to participate in a LGBT center a few years ago, and looking back on this experience, I think it helped me a lot to understand what I was going through. I live in Northern Ontario and it's very far from the bigger cities. There is a local LGBT community on Facebook though; I guess I could post there for a start. Also, I'm going to post on EC as you suggest - I need an outlet to express my feelings and thoughts - and read other people posts is gonna help too. @Gah-Kai: Merci beaucoup de ton accueil et bravo pour ton français impeccable! Ma famille est aussi très traditionnelle et a des vues conservatrices et l'homosexualité était trés mal vue, c'est-à-dire, comme pas naturel et aussi comme perversion. Les attentes de mes parents pour moi étaient donc aussi un mariage et des enfants. Cependant, même s'ils ont eu un choc initialement, ils l'ont accepté lorsque je leur ai dit que j'étais gay. Je vais passer du temps sur EC car j'ai beaucoup de choses à exprimer et parler de nos expériences respectives est probablement la chose la plus importante que je puisse faire pour m'accepter comme je suis: il y a souvent une part de nous-même qui est révélée dans les expériences intimes des autres. @ThinksTooMuch: I think it's going to help me to read the posts effectively! The fact is that I used to think that I would accept myself if I worked on 'having' more things rather than on my way of 'being'. I tried very hard to have more stuff and it didn't do much in terms of acceptance so I want to focus on 'being' now. @Nazo and @silverhalo: thanks a lot for making me feel welcome here!

7th Dec 2011, 08:47 PM	#10
alex2020 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Everybody important, and anybody who asks. Location: Florida Age: 19 Posts: 1,437 Join Date: Aug 2011	Re: Hello everyone Bienvenue!! __________________ “Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe, shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish.”