Hello, confused guy here (also newb)

[fuzzburden]

Hey everyone, I found this site (I can't remember where) and decided to join because I need to have some support from people who know and understand what I'm going through. I suppose I should first introduce myself.

You can call me Fuzz, I'm a 19 year old male who was very homophobic when I was young. From an early age, I was attracted to men and women and by the age of 12, I watched pr0n, both straight and gay. Although, I felt incredibly guilty over being attracted to men and viewed it as both sinful and unnatural because of the way I had been led to believe through both my upbringing and the world's tolerance and culture as a whole. After many years of praying to God, and crying, and hoping for the attraction to go away, I eventually began to accept it. (the story of how I learned to accept it is very long, and I will not go into that here) Eventually my homophobia faded as well. I realized that it was simply my mind responding to what I knew was true about myself.

I just started to be more open about my sexuality to myself and I also realized that I have always been more attracted to guys. Three months ago from when this was posted, I told my parents how I felt (and I really need some help with this because it's not going so well) Then I began to, slowly, tell all my closest friends. As of writing this, they all know. For the most part they are very accepting. I'm not quite sure in what way though. Would they be accepting of me if I got a boyfriend, or are they just accepting like- "Everyone in the world is disturbed some way, so I don't care if you struggle with male attraction as long as you don't get a boyfriend."

To make it more confusing, I don't even really know if that is what I want! Most guys are unattractive to me, but compared to hot girls, hot guys are much more appealing to me. I'm afraid that maybe porn might have stained my view of sexuality as a whole. When I was younger I always imagined growing up to be married to a woman, and so it just feels more right to me to be with a girl.

I feel really lonely right now, and I kind of have been toying with the idea of having a boyfriend. But when I actually look for who is available on dating sites, nobody is attractive to me or fits my interest. I should add that most things about the whole "gay community" are very alien and unappealing to me, sometimes even revolting. I'm easily annoyed by guys that act feminine or flamboyant. I like manly men (NOT "bears" *shudders*) just regular guys, ya know. A few other things really disturb me, and I feel like LGBT people are not fighting against this like they should, but: the way it seems so many people treat sex as though it is a game. IT ISN'T. It's a serious and emotional thing that should be between a monogamous couple. The things I listed above are some of the reasons accepting my sexuality was so hard in the first place, and why it still is hard for me to really know what I want.

woah this is getting long, I'll cut it off here as I'm sure there are many other places on the forums where I can discuss stuff.

Anyway, feel free to say hi. I have like, a hurricane of emotions, and could really use some help right now.

[J Snow]

Hello and welcome to the site =) Forgive me if this is brief, but its 4AM here and I'm passing out whether I want to or not lol

I could relate quite a bit to your experiences. I grew up in a strong Catholic environment, in fact I went to Catholic school for 13 years, so I know a thing or two about how that can effect someone. Just like you, I used to stay up and pray, usually begging God to turn me into a girl, but often to confirm that it really is okay that I like men.

I think you are stressing out a little bit too much about the future, which admittedly is something I'm guilty of myself. No one's asking you to get married and settle down with either a guy or a girl tomorrow. You are 19, and you've got time so don't worry about it so much. Go with the flow, and don't be a slave to a label. Words are wind, and things like straight, gay, and bi only have the meaning we as people give to them.

You might have better luck asking about these kinds of questions in Support & Advice.

I'm glad you are here though, it shows a step forward in trying to accept yourself for whoever you may be, and really you already know most of it. Who you wanna go to bed with doesn't necessarily determine a very significant part of who you are.

Well I'm just rambling now, best of luck. I hope you find the answers you are looking for

[Hana Solo]

Coming from a Christian household, I can say that I've seriously struggled with religion. But there is one thing I learned that I hope helps you... Religion is not what God says. Religion is what MAN says about what God says. God will always love you.

Welcome to EC!

---------- Post added 23rd Dec 2011 at 12:19 AM ----------

I still do seriously struggle with religion too.

[silverhalo]

Hey welcome to EC, you will find lots of people here some who are going through similar things, some who have been through similar things and others who are just awesome, supportive and always know what to say so stick around and im sure you will find some comfort.

[Sunsetting]

fuzzburden, thanks for your post, i just joined too and feel the same as you in so many ways. i am attracted to women...and i'm attracted to dudes. porn really has twisted me in the way i look at people. i haven't been down that path in a few weeks, and its been kul. i don't want to use people for my own pleasure, i want to love people.

i hope you can talk with an understanding adult who can give you solid unbiased counsel. i went to a super liberal school and everyone was shoving people out of the closet into some warped concept of who they thought i should be. i don't want to change me because of a community, i want to be the me i was created to be.

anyway, great to read what you wrote, peace and talk soon

[NoName114]

Hello welcome to empty closets

[Artemicion]

Hello and welcome to EC. Although I would love to provide my views on some of the points that you brought up...but i'm in a bit of a rush at the moment...again. Welcome to EC.

[alex2020]

Bienvenue!!

[Robert]

Originally Posted by Hana Solo

God will always love you.

You dont believe in hell?

[J Snow]

Originally Posted by Robert

You dont believe in hell?

Theoretically, God could still love those ze sends to hell. Just because ze feels someone deserves it doesn't mean it doesn't pain hir to send a person there.

I don't believe in a hell exactly, but I do believe in an afterlife, and I think that the evil likely get hung up or "stuck" due to their own feelings of guilt or shame and in a sense torture themselves.

Of course I do believe the main point of Hana's quote was to say that being gay will not effect the amount of love which God bestows upon a person, which I think if you believe in God is either true, or that god is operating off of nonsensical morals, is therefore not perfect, and as such is not worth worshiping. Or maybe that's just how I see it.

Can you say run-on sentence?

[Robert]

Originally Posted by J Snow

Theoretically, God could still love those ze sends to hell.

If God loves everyone, all the time, then he does send people he loves to hell (or sends them to eternal shame or whatever - its still hell however you spin it). And if he does that, what is his love worth?

[Hexagon]

Originally Posted by Hana Solo

Coming from a Christian household, I can say that I've seriously struggled with religion.

Same here. Then it occured to me that god didn't exist, so I was fine.

[Sunsetting]

Originally Posted by Robert

If God loves everyone, all the time, then he does send people he loves to hell (or sends them to eternal shame or whatever - its still hell however you spin it). And if he does that, what is his love worth?

Question is, does God send us to hell or does he give us an option of how not to go to hell and gives us an alternative to go someplace better?

[CandyClouds]

Originally Posted by Sunsetting

Question is, does God send us to hell or does he give us an option of how not to go to hell and gives us an alternative to go someplace better?

sounds more like it

[fuzzburden]

Originally Posted by J Snow

Hello and welcome to the site =) Forgive me if this is brief, but its 4AM here and I'm passing out whether I want to or not lol

I could relate quite a bit to your experiences. I grew up in a strong Catholic environment, in fact I went to Catholic school for 13 years, so I know a thing or two about how that can effect someone. Just like you, I used to stay up and pray, usually begging God to turn me into a girl, but often to confirm that it really is okay that I like men.

I think you are stressing out a little bit too much about the future, which admittedly is something I'm guilty of myself. No one's asking you to get married and settle down with either a guy or a girl tomorrow. You are 19, and you've got time so don't worry about it so much. Go with the flow, and don't be a slave to a label. Words are wind, and things like straight, gay, and bi only have the meaning we as people give to them.

You might have better luck asking about these kinds of questions in Support & Advice.

I'm glad you are here though, it shows a step forward in trying to accept yourself for whoever you may be, and really you already know most of it. Who you wanna go to bed with doesn't necessarily determine a very significant part of who you are.

Well I'm just rambling now, best of luck. I hope you find the answers you are looking for

Thank you for your response. Although, I can't say that I relate to you in wanting your gender changed. The advice you gave me about not worrying as much about the future is most helpful. I'm not a slave to a label at all. I just have so many aspects of this problem effecting me right now that It's kinda breaking me down. I need to simplify it and take it one step at a time. Thanks

[Youngbutproud]

Hi good luck

[fuzzburden]

Originally Posted by Robert

If God loves everyone, all the time, then he does send people he loves to hell (or sends them to eternal shame or whatever - its still hell however you spin it). And if he does that, what is his love worth?

In response to both of you, I do believe in Heaven and Hell, and I do believe that God loves me. I believe that God loves all of humanity. I know that might be hard for some people to understand so I'll put it this way.
When I say that God loves humanity, I mean that He loves humans in the unstained state he intended for them, the goodness that God has blessed in all of us. Yes, it is true that all humans are born in sin, but here's the truly great part, God sent His Son to Earth to sacrifice Himself for us. All the sinners (EVERYONE on Earth) could have been wiped out if God wanted to but instead, Jesus Christ died so that humanity could be saved and given a second chance. So we could redeem ourselves by following in Christ's footsteps, accepting Him as our Savior and freeing ourselves from the eternal enslavement of sin.
God doesn't "send" people to Hell, people choose to live in sin and as a result, put themselves there. Now, granted, I don't know all the answers, nor am I trying to sound like I do. It is very complex and hard to understand, even if you devote your life to studying it. I believe in Hell because the Holy Bible speaks of it, I don't know what it entails, and it most certainly IS hard for me to believe that people with minor transgressions, or unbelievers could be sent to such a horrible place, and like I said earlier, I don't know all the answers, and neither does anyone on this Earth.
But there is one thing I know for sure, and that is this: If a person accepts Christ as their savior, they are making a commitment to live the way that God would want them to. They will still sin as all humans do, that is unavoidable. But they will strive to stop doing it, and will ask for God's forgiveness. If they do this, they are guaranteed everlasting life in Heaven.

You see, the Holy Bible isn't a fire and brimstone story, but a message of hope for all humanity. God doesn't want to hurt people. He wants to save them.

As far as homosexuality's compatibility with the Holy Bible goes, it's still something I'm trying to figure out. In my opinion, it seems like something awfully small to end up in Hell for.

In either case, my faith is concrete. I am a Christian above all else because it is what I truly believe. If God were to come down from heaven and tell me Himself that homosexuality is wrong, I would obey his will, and forfeit my earthly desires because of my immense love for him. But, from what I am beginning to understand, I believe that God did make me this way, and the desire and love I feel for having a relationship with another man is so real that it almost must be true and good in His sight. Again I don't know this for sure, I can only go by faith.

If anyone read all this, Congrats to you! I'm sorry it was so long and it would probably be better off putting it in a different section of the forum besides my introduction.

---------- Post added 24th Dec 2011 at 12:34 AM ----------

Originally Posted by Sunsetting

Question is, does God send us to hell or does he give us an option of how not to go to hell and gives us an alternative to go someplace better?

Amen to that!

[Aeon Magus]

Hello, Fuzz, and welcome to EC.

[Doctor Faustus]

Hi Fuzz, welcome.

Hope you've had a good Christmas. I identified completely with much of what you said in your first post, so do feel free to message me if you want to.

Take care.

Dr. Faustus.

[drifter]

I am a mid-50's heterosexual white male and if that told the whole story, what would I be doing here? I could go in a lot of directions but first of all, the only way that I can give any meaning to what I have to say (write?) is if I position myself. I have a degree in biology with a mix of a lot of other stuff and then I went back and completed coursework to be a high school teacher, I even taught for a couple of years. My education is not significant other than to establish that I have a basic formal background in subjects that helps me to evaluate the opinions and information generated by "experts" to define the roles of nature (what we are born with) and nurture (what we are exsposed to in our environment) in our behavioral and social "interests".

There is not a fine line drawn between the influences of nature and nurture. I believe we have very little control over the things that arouse us and probably no control over our orientation. I was married to a woman for 18 years and we had two children when she came out of the closet as a lesbian, not as bisexual but a lesbian and of course that takes the steam out of a marriage. That was 15 years ago and for establishment of my perspective.

Nine years later my son came out as being gay, it wasn't really a surprise and I was grateful for his trusting me enough to be honest. I had been wise enough not to be critical of his mother for being a lesbian. My foster brother (who came to live with us when he was 2 years old) came out as gay after two marriages and two children. I had a high school friend who was gay back when that was not acceptable at all.

We live in a sea of grey with little islands of black and white. Orientation is not the only set of issues but the challenge that we all face is to accept the differences of others as we would have them accept our differences. In reality none of us can afford to be too judgmental because we all have things we like to do in private that we do not talk about in public. I have my own perversions and I am proud of the fact that they do not involve children, they do not involve non-consent, they do not involve animals, nor do they involve dead people. If you think about it, that still leaves a lot of room.

The subject of God and guilt comes up often and it application is tragic. If you believe in God and believe that he made us then you have to believe that he considers us perfect for his purpose. My grandfather used to say "God will tell you what is right for you and he is the only one you need to listen to". "be still and know that I am God". "we are fearfully and wonderfully made". If you have questions, ask God and listen.