Just turned 39 been married 10 years three amazing kids 8,6 and 4. I have been struggling with thoughts of being a girl since I can remember. My wife has no idea how I feel. Contemplated suicide several times in my life and still I have this secret. I finally came out to a friend at work as she saw me having a complete breakdown. I know she loves me but we are not the best at communicating (for obviouse reasons) no I have to contemplate turning everyone's world upside down, and feel so selfish for considering it. However if I keep denying who I am they may lose me forever. Wish I knew how others like me handled this. If not for my kids I would come out. I just don't want to lose them. :tears:
I can imagine your confusion and you just feel like the world is closing in around you, support is the key factor here and you have made the right decision joining EC. It's very hard but you will find the more you talk about it and the more posts you read or create then the more confident you will become and this in turn will hopefully help you overcome your fears. Don't feel frightened to show your feelings here, it will get better and I hope that things work out for you (*hug*)
Thanks. Really in a bad place today. I just wish we had a bad marriage, would make things so much easier.
Hi Robin and welcome to EC! You've come to the right place. You're here in Ontario (as I am) so there are resources that you can draw on. Do you have an employee assistance program at work of any kind? One that offers counselling services? If so, call them right away and make an appointment to speak to someone in person. Carrying this around has become too heavy a burden to do on your own. Sharing here helps, but starting to work with someone will be a bigger help. If you're in the Toronto area, there might also be counselling available to you through The 519 Community Center on Church Street. There might also be support groups. And I know for a fact that there is a Gay Fathers Of Toronto support group which might also be helpful... You have a great relationship with your wife and your kids are still fairly young. You're actually in a much better situation than some other people might find themselves in. Until you talk to your wife, you'll never know how supportive and understanding she might be. And your kids aren't going to the first in the world to have a transgender parent. (There's an organization based in the US called COLAGE for kids of LGBT parents. Look them up.) This can, in time, be explained to them and you could continue to be a part of their lives. It's natural to fear the worst, but rarely does it come to that. See what resources are available to you, make and appointment, and go talk to someone. You don't want to be falling to pieces at work or at home, so get the help you need and that you deserve. Your wife and kids love you, and always will - no matter what. Good luck!
I can't even imagine what you have been going through..I don't believe you will lose your children. Maybe you should seek therapy and process your inner feelings and sort everything out in a safer enviroment..Really take time to deal with who you are and not worry about who you may become in anyone else's eyes.And maybe you will find courage to tell her what is going on inside of you and do so with the support of your therapist. I am very sorry you are going through so much..But you are in the right place especially when you need to vent..hope things get better for you.
Thanks everyone. I just started therapy yesterday and I am better than last few days. Would just like to see a hint of the light at the end. All I see now is dark.
It will, try and be positive and strong and you will find that the future will get brighter. We all have our problems and it's only by sharing our feelings together that help all of us.
"Hello darkness my old friend," I know how you feel exactly even though my spin is a little different. Sorry to hear what you're going through. You are not alone. I have been trying very hard to build a life for myself as my marriage crumbles into the dust, but it is so hard. Right now my focus is my kids, who I am trying to be with as much as possible. I have told them and so far we are doing ok. I wish you the best and I don't think you will lose your children because of your sexuality. Hang in there, glad to hear you found a therapist.
How are you doing with this? I am intrigued because I, too, recall feelings of wishing to be female back to about 6 years old. Then I thought I was bi, then gay....then I realized that no, I want men but I want to experience them as a woman would. I deeply wish I could be a woman. And, like you, married 10 years with 2 children. However my marriage ended in a horrid divorce and after that I did some real soul searching with a therapist and ended up finally accepting that I identify so much more as a woman than as a man. Keep us posted, this is something you can definitely get through with support. You are certainly not alone!!
