Later in Life Issue

I felt compelled to post regarding my situation which I cannot believe is unique. It is quite frustrating to hear gay friends tell me after listening to my story that I was either in denial or a closeted gay all along as if what I am telling them makes no difference. Here is my situation I hope that it helps anyone else with a familiar problem.
I was married for 24 years to my college sweetheart, we have two wonderful children and had a great life. During all those years I never once thought about guys other than as friends. Several years ago my then wife became involved in a fundamentalist group that in the end caused our relationship to fall apart. Prior to that time we had a very full and happy married life and I was completely satisfied
After our divorce I started seeing another woman and dated exclusively for almost two years again we had what I would consider a great relationship on all levels . A little over two years ago I attend a party given by a business associate at his home. As part of the evening entertainment he had engaged a sketch artist to do casual cartoons of the attendees. The artist was a very attractive guy, I guess you would define him as a "metrosexual" type. Everything about this guy seemed prefect from his hair to his clothing. Some of the women were quite taken but our host informed them that our artist was gay. During the course of the evening as these things go I was getting a cocktail at the same time Marc was. I complimented him on his skills as an artist. As he was done for the night we sat down to chat. Marc was indeed not only good looking and talented but a very accomplished person. He had been a dancer but studied physical Therapy,after practicing for a while found it not creative enough so became an artist. We also discovered we played tennis at the same center. We agreed to meet to play tennis the next week. Over the next few weeks I played tennis with Marc many times, afterwards we would then go out for a drink. He was a pleasure to converse with. He was into everything and had done remarkable things so far. Much to my astonishment and confusion I found myself attracted to him in more than just a friendly way. This was distressing at the time as I had never even thought along those lines but the more I saw of him, the more I wanted to see him and be with him. I started to think of him sexually and this really scared me.
While this was going on I found my attraction to my girlfriend waning on a sexual level. This could not be happening to me. I stayed away from Marc for weeks but it only got worse. I thought of him constantly. Finally I gathered up my courage and called him. We met for a drink at his apartment. He wanted to know why I stopped calling him to play tennis and with my stomach in a knot told him how I was feeling. Marc told me he already knew, he leaned over a kissed me on the mouth. At first I pulled back ready to bolt, but in reality I wanted more. That night I stayed with Marc. I had could not imagine being intimate with another guy could have as erotic,sensual and pleasurable. I knew that night I had crossed a bridge and there was no going back. Waking up in the morning next to Marc just seemed so right. That morning I told him I was sure I was now gay and I wanted very much to be his boyfriend. Marc apparently felt the same way. I decided as Marc was out I could not allow him to be in a secret relationship that was not fair to him. I told him I would have to come out too but it would take some time. Of course he understood and encouraged me to go slow. I remember kissing him good-bye that morning and thinking I want to be with guy always. It was very frightening while at the same time exciting.
The next several months were a mix of emotions, problems, and pleasure. Shortly after my night with Marc I broke the news to my girlfriend. Needless to say she was devastated and I was miserable for cause her such grief. She is a beautiful, funny, woman and I love her as a person I just wasn't sexually attracted to her any longer. Telling my children was not pleasant either, they are still coming to terms with it.
I was so lucky to have Marc. He was very patient and helpful as I transition to a gay life style. It was not as easy as signing on the doted line. Frankly there is lot to "learn" having been straight for a lifetime.
I offer my story because when I tell them, most seem to dismiss it as I was a closeted gay or in denial. It simply wasn't the case I was 100% straight until I meet Marc. I have no clue why this happened, I certainly wasn't looking for it but it did! Perhaps when you find the right person it doesn't matter, I have no clue and have stopped trying to figure it out.
Two years down the road I am a 48 yr old ,100% gay, 100% happy, in love with the "guy". Even now I find it hard to come to terms that I was once straight ,as I don't miss being straight, no desire to be straight and can't imagine being with a woman again. My story cannot be a unique one. Please let me know.

 

Thanks for replies. I understand the denial issue but still do not believe that was the case. Yet I feel that some how I am being disingenuous to all the gay people out there whom seem to have it all figured out. I accept that I am gay now. I am not ashamed of anything not my past present or future but I can't pretend that all those years were somehow a complete lie to everyone including myself.

 

Interesting question. I think death of my ex wife's father started the ball rolling. She was religious but nothing like this. She changed not only to me but to our children because they did not agree with her now fundamentalist belief system. Somehow sex was a never a problem issue for us until the end. I don't think it had much to do with what happened two years later

 

Thanks all for your replies. I can see some validity to the total denial side of the discussion.
Of course at this time I am not sure it matters as I am 100 % gay ,happy and out. If I was in denial all those years how sad because while I was happy before life after coming out has been fantastic. Not of course without its share grief, sadness and confusion but in the end I found out gay is part of what I am and love it.

 

Almost two years now and still together. Marc has taught so much. He made my transition to gay life so much easier. I had a lot to learn about being gay , coming to terms with myself, becoming comfortable with every aspect of gay sex (this for me while being absolutely enjoyable took some time to develop both comfort level and skill), and most importantly being openly gay. I feel free to express my affection for him in public and in general letting everyone know I am gay. As for him I have helped him come to terms with issues he had with his father, encouraged him to return to taking ballet lessons,his first love.(he might not dance on stage again,but he is extremely happy just practicing,not to be mention he looks pretty good in tights,a side benefit for me!) I have also provided him with an honest, open, loving relationship. I never thought it could be this good with another man.Shows you how much I know. I encourage everyone who is questioning their sexuality to explore, you may like me, find not the pot of gold but the rainbow itself.

 

I am not sure if this is the right forum but it seems like to follow up for me to previous posts. EC has been fantastic for me. It has come to make me realize that perhaps all was not I always thought it was. It is great read others stories and challenges.
I have a couple of issues and frankly am somewhat embarrassed to ask some of my friends that be out and gay since teens. Here goes, I would appreciate any comments you might have.

After two years with my boyfriend I find sex still as wonderful as ever but we seem to have fallen into a certain roll. He a bottom and me a top, while I am good with that I also enjoy the pleasure of being a bottom. Only once in a while does he seem interested. I have tried gently to push the issue but he doesn't seem to get the message. It was our first sexual encounter when he was the top that convinced me that I was gay and wanted more of him. Intense and pleasurable are not strong enough word to describe that night. I would like more of that, how do I get my wishes out without harming a wonderful sex life?
On another front when I first came out after years of being straight I still found women to be attractive and thought that if the circumstances were right I would still be intimate with a woman. Over the past 24 months I have changed. I now find the whole idea gross. I don't mean to imply that I anti woman in anyway. I enjoy there company, respect them, etc. However the mere idea of being with a woman sexually is repelling. About a month ago I meet an attractive woman at a function, she didn't have clue about me and I needed to check to see if this change in my outlook was real. To make a long story short this woman kissed me and frankly not only did I not feel anything for her in anyway, the whole things seemed gross somehow. Is this a normal reaction? I somehow feel guilty about feeling this way as I have know many wonderful women including my ex GF and just feel I am disrespecting them somehow.

 

Skiff, I think you hit it. Bottoming seems more of an emotional connection. I understand why some prefer to only bottom. It is connection unlike anything else I know of hetero included. For me it makes me feel truly liberated, truly gay and truly connected.