Okay guys, need some advice here. I know that I'm a planner, but it makes me feel like I'm more in control (which I'm seriously not). My daughter is 14 and doesn't know that my wife and I are going to be getting a divorce. We'll be telling her when she gets back from summer camp. My wife wants me to wait until she's 22 to tell her that I'm gay (not going to happen, but not telling my wife that). I don't want to make some grand coming out gesture until I tell my daughter, because I would hate for her to feel like she's the last one to know. But at the same time, her counselor (she's in counseling for self-esteem and ADD issues) has advised that we not tell her what the divorce is about. So, when do I tell her? Do I wait a year, get my life in order and then tell her? Do I wait until I'm dating someone? She's going to an arts academy, so she's going to have plenty of experience being around gay people and she and I have already talked a number of times about homosexuality, etc. (Thank you Supreme Court). Any suggestions? Thanks.
I would wait until things are settled with the divorce and you have your own life together. I am waiting to come out to my family until after the divorce papers are signed (and not a minute later than that) as I believe that the combination of a divorce and coming out is just too much for a child to take in one shot (especially given the psychological issues that she has). No need to wait until she's 22 though, that's ridiculous and unfair to her (especially if you have a BF).
I'm not sure about timing. Honestly I would say as a child whose parents split quite young, what I wish had happened most of all is theyd just been honest straight up with me. I'm still finding out stuff to this day that they didnt think I needed to know/etc.. Your relationship with your wife (on one level) is coming to an end. she'll always be around because she's your daughter's mother, but... your relationship with your daughter is what you should focus on. I would seriously consider telling her straight up. It does depend on her psychological state a little, but dont think your issues are going to effect her that much compared to what's going on in her own life. I think its more important she have a father who she can trust/share anything with. Especially given your wife's views on the matter. What I'd be afraid of is her thinking its somehow her fault, or her unreasonably blaming you or your wife because she doesn't know the full story. Or her not trusting you because you lied to her just to protect her from something you thought she couldnt handle. Make sure she knows you love her and value her relationship/trust and that will have a far better long term impact than avoiding any temporary stress it might cause her. She'll get over it because it's not a serious matter. What I've come to realise is honesty is always the best policy. Especially with relationships. I wish my father had been that way.
I'm really suspicious about a counselor saying you shouldn't tell your 14 year old the reasons for the divorce. The counselor should be helping you say the reasons in an age appropriate way. 14 is pretty old. I would be mad as could be - for years- if I found out when I was say 16 or 17 that my parents didn't trust me with the truth at 14.
Maybe you could wait till her is 18 pr 16... But 22 is too much. Actually the earlier ahe is ready to lnow the better, tell her as soon as possible but make sure shenis ready.
I would say, you know your daughter best. If you feel she can handle it (and that obviously depends on how you (and your wife?) bring it to her), I would not stall too long because kids are smart and often find out things before you have a chance to tell her. That would be worse, because she would feel that she was not trusted or taken seriously. Kids are resilient and yes, at that age also vulnerable (especially given the history you mention). Be honest but also show your love, trust and understanding. I'm sure she will respond in kind. Good luck and being a father of two daughters who are still in the dark (as a divorce is not yet in the making), I understand your struggles all too well.
Thanks everyone. The counselor's rational was this. If it was someone cheating, would we tell her? No. If it was for financial issues, would we tell her? No. In reality, the reason for our divorce is none of her business as long as we stress that it wasn't her fault. She also recommended that I get settled in my new life before I tell her. The age 22 thing was something someone told my wife.
Your counselors examples, I'm sorry to say, are insulting. There is no equivalence. I work with kids as a school psychologist and after almost 30 years, I can tell you, in most cases, maybe not all, it is best to find a way to be truthful. Your sexuality should not be equated with issues like cheating or financial problems. This is about who you are. Also, the other thing that happens, always (!) is that the kids find out by word of mouth; they do and it shouldn't happen that way. I came out to my teenagers recently and at first it was really hard, but a few weeks later, it's like not a big deal at all. Also, if your daughter doesn't know the reasons, she will imagine reasons, which will be more anxiety provoking than the truth. ---------- Post added 11th Jul 2013 at 06:22 PM ---------- Sorry about the dancing banana; it mysteriously appeared. Must have accidentally touched something.
I'm a divorced dad with 2 daughters. They were 4 and 6 when my wife and I separated, and I didn't tell them at the time that I was gay. Our counsellor also suggested that the kids didn't need to know the real reason - at least not at that age - but they were just to be told that the reasons were 'grown up' reasons but that mommy and daddy still loved them, it wasn't their fault, and that they would be OK. I told them, with my wife, a couple of years later. At 8 the older one already knew what 'gay' meant, while we had to explain it to the younger one. And it has been a non-issue. So I get the suggestion that she not be told right away. One thing at a time. I think a bit of a gap is OK. But maybe not even a year. What will be important (critical!) is your attitude towards being gay, and your wife's attitude towards you being gay. The fact that my wife was supportive was SO helpful. My daughters didn't have the opportunity to get any kind of negative signals. The fact that they learned it separately from / outside of the divorce process maybe helped that. But waiting to 22 is rediculous. If your wife things that's appropriate, she's dilusional. Is she going to have the whole 'birds and bees' conversation with her at 22 as well? Because it will be a little late at that point... The 'ideal' age to tell kids is between 7 and 12. They are old enough to understand the concept and young enough that they are still taking their cues about moral issues from their parents rather than their peers. That's what I was told. But kids today are more and more positive about homosexuality. The fact that 'Same Love' is being played on the radio (at least here in Toronto) suggests that most young people are perfectly OK with gays. My kids are - they like having 3 dads now. Good luck!
Tell them sooner then later... If they are really young, they have not learned that being "gay" is a bad thing so telling them now will be a non-event. If they are older, it is hip to be ok with gay people and so you will be even cooler then before.. What I do know is that nothing is worse then having a BF around your kids and not being able to be honest with them about who this guy is and what he means to you
I think the major thing I've learned through this stressful, difficult, confusing, overwhelming process of coming out at age 55 is that you can't escape the truth in the long run. And, falseness, however well intended, doesn't work and doesn't protect anyone. There's just no point and no advantage of putting off the truth.
If this news may harm your daughter don't tell her. Wait till she is more confident in herself and has higher self esteem having a gay dad may unfortunately bring up more doubts about herself, since homosexuality isn't fully accepted in our society. I am not saying there is a problem with you being gay and a biological father, because there isn't, it was a natural birth, natural conception, nothing wrong with it. BUT SOME PEOPLE do find problems with this, especially bigots. Therefore your daughter who seems to be emotional fragile at the moment, should have more confidence in her self as a person, because she can use the fact you are gay as another reason to have low self esteem. I know it's sad but it's true. I believe 22 is too old but waiting till her life is more together and calm; maybe wait till the divorce is over, you can tell her. She will be more mature, and able to understand your decisions then, I do believe if you wait till 22 she may be hurt you waited that long, so maybe in 3-4 years tell her, after the divorce has subsided and her confidence is higher. It's not always about you, though people tend to think that way, and sometimes you have to really consider something from someone elses standpoint and how it will effect them.
Always be honest to your kids. If she asks, tell her the truth. Maybe not the whole truth at first, but if she wants to know more, tell her the whole thing. All of it. If she asks as soon as you tell her you guys are divorcing it might be too much though, if she asks why first thing, say something like, "ill explain everything once things settle down, and you ask me." or something like that. So she knows you are honest and open, but you need time. If you do it that way, she knows she can trust you and can tell you anything when she needs to. (something i really wish my parents did :? ) I hope that helps Cheers!
I don't know that I agree with the counselor either. If she didn't have at least some idea of the reasons for the divorce, I'd think she would be pretty likely to try and take some of the blame herself. Stress that it's not her fault, absolutely, but unless she has a little something more concrete than that, she may not buy it. You probably have to observe her normal behavior and how she handles tough situations to know for sure. My kids are 12 and 15 and I know for a fact that not only would they want to know, but (at least in some respects), they already do.
I say 17 or 18 if you're worried about her response. That's more of a liberal age. For her not to know why will kill her more than knowing. I think the sooner the better if you can gage her personality and feel like she can handle it. I know that i would be torn up if my parents divorced out of the blue and wouldn't tell me why. In the end, she's going to want you to be happy.
The longer you wait, the worse it will be. She'll resent you for not being open, not telling her the truth. Think about how much the truth of who you are made the pieces come together for you. You need to tell her, and sooner rather than later. And for the sake of your relationship with her, too. I think the counselor is full of it. Do you have a gay therapist to talk this stuff through with? My suggestion is to -- and take it from there. Good luck and hugs. /Pete
The sooner the better. Prolonging this issue may make it worst. By telling her she'll start to get used to the thruth and will adjust to the facts of life. She may resent you a bit if you wait too long. My friend was In The same situation as you. He was married for almost 13 years , divorced because he couldnt continue to live as a closeted man. He eventually told his wife, who was devastated, and 2 girls before someone else did and now him and his kids are living a normal life where the whole issue of his homosexuality is truly irrelevant.
if she's gona have these two huge events in her life and they are related, why not deal with them at the same time? think, would you rather have your house burn to the ground and then have to rebuild, or have part of it burned then fix it then have it catch on fire again a few months later? weird analogy but you get my point
Gotta agree with most posts, kids are amazingly smart and figure things out. I did youth work with teenagers while in college in a Lutheran Church, and you would be amazed at what 14 and 15 year old kids told me about their parents. Mostly, what their parents didn't know their kids were doing. IMO, keep the trust going, tell her.
