Hello Ladies, This is really a question for those of you who have been out for a while and have had some experience with grown-up relationships. I've just started dating a woman for the first time. We've been seeing each other a month, and she's mentioned that usually two lesbians would have had sex by now. Usually, she said, it happens on the second or third date. She was speaking for herself as well as her friends. Is this generally true or only true of her friends? I know everyone's an individual, etc., but I'm speaking in generalities here. Heck, for all I know, it's common for hetero couples to have had sex by now. What do I know? I've never really been able to figure that out. Thanks- Zoe
Uh, that'd be a stereotype. Maybe it's true to some degree, but maybe she and her friends just go for those kinds of relationships (relationships in which sex happens quickly). I think both are likely, but in general, I'd say it's not that true. To be honest, I'm surprised that people would have sex by the second or third date. That's... very interesting. Hm. Of course, it is presumably their choice. As for what you should do... Do what you're comfortable with. If that means waiting for sex until you feel you have a connection with this person, then go ahead and do that. Especially for matters which can be meaningful and personal, you sometimes shouldn't budge on such things. I apologize in advance. I do recognize that I'm still young and am not a lesbian...
Yes, if you don't want to have sex with her right now, then you don't have to - it's entirely your own choice. Maybe your girlfriend and her friends do that, but not all lesbians do that - it's more of a personal choice than due to one's sexual orientation. If you were looking for something to say, then "I'm not comfortable taking that step yet, but I'll let you know when I'm ready" could be a good response. Good communication is usually the best way to address these situations. Hope this helps.
I was very comfortable jumping into bed with my girlfriend fairly soon into the relationship because we had talked about it for awhile, in detail and with certain expectations that I was very comfortable with. I have not regretted that decision at all and we have found mutual fulfillment ( :icon_redf ). However, suffice to say that it is a matter of being comfortable with the decision to enter into that aspect of a relationship. Lol, I initiated, she responded so yeah... I have done both early and later physical relationships with men and, because of my internal orientation, was not really happy with any of it. Don't know if that helps any. Just be cognizant of your heart and what it is expecting.
Thank you all for your input. Biotech, I alway appreciate your willingness to speak candidly about your experiences. Just to clarify--she isn't putting any pressure on me. I know she's interested in getting more physical, but completely understands that I'm new at this and isn't pressuring me at all. If she were, I'd take that as a very bad sign and hightail it out of there. I don't care if it is a man or a woman--anyone who pushes you into physical intimacy before you're ready is a bully and not worth sticking around for. --Z
I'm glad you clarified Zoe. I didn't like thinking about her telling you "everyone else is doing it" to get you in bed. I have no idea what's normal. But both partners need to be on the same page and not pressuring the other.
I think it totally depends on the two people concern, their experience and so many other factors. I think there are lots of people straight, gay, lesbian that would have had sex by now but there are also lots that would wait longer.
Hey Zoe, I am so not a lesbian with experience in dating, so sorry to be spamming your thread, but I wanted to check up on you. Regardless, I think you should stick to your personal boundaries. The girl was maybe not a bully (although maybe she was, I don't know her) but sometimes two people just have different expectations. The wise thing to do then is either both compromize or realize this and move on to the next thing; the hard thing is that you never know when (or who) that is going to be... On the other hand: look at you! Dating?! That's so crazy. I'm happy you've already gotten this far and hope you are doing well.
Hi, I know you brought up wanting lesbians with experience, but I haven't really dated that many girls, and I know that due to my lack of experience I would not feel comfortable with sex on the 2nd or 3rd date. Of course, what always held me back with guys was fear of pregnancy; with girls there's not that issue so it makes it easier to jump into things. But if a girl pressured me to have sex on the 3rd date I'd feel really uncomfortable. That'd be on her, not on me.
With my first girlfriend we took a long time to have 'sex' because it was our first time (with sex with anyone), and I still remember the day we actually 'had' sex - it was well into our relationship, maybe months. The entire journey was beautiful and lovely. With my second girlfriend, the first night we kissed we had all sorts of amazing sex that night itself
I am a late bloomer, and haven't really been dating lately. I did have a brief relationship with a girl, who was my same age, who has been out for a very long time and had a couple of previous long term relationships. Anyway, I am just totally speaking from my experience with her. When I started dating her, by the second date she was "pushing" me into having sex with her. She explained to me that "most lesbians do it by the second or third date". I felt really uncomfortable when she told me that, because I just wasn't ready yet. I wanted to hold hands, cuddle, and talk and those kinds of things first. She did accept my "I'm not ready yet" for about two more weeks. Then she said that she wanted me to take a shower with her, and that "most lesbians do that by the second date as well." Well, I wasn't ready for that either. I was still nervous and just not ready. Finally after being "pressured" I gave in, and had sex with her. I did enjoy it, but I was a little sad afterwards that she had pressured me and that I had allowed her too. Anyway, we are no longer together...our relationship only lasted about six months. She became a bully and I got out of there. But all of this having been said, I felt and still do feel at times, that there is something seriously wrong with me, because I was not ready for the sex part. I really prefer cuddling, hugging, holding hands, kissing over sex. I do a past of childhood sexual abuse, and sometimes I think that plays a big part in everything. Am I weird?
The correct response is "Well if most lesbians started blowing guys, would you!?!?!?" No but seriously, just because it's a girl pressuring another girl doens't make it any less skeezy than a guy pressuring a girl into sex. I've been pressured many time by guys and regretted it. I hate the double standard that some supposedly feminist lesbians have about being immune to being sexual abusers. Abuse in same-sex relationships is still alive and well, and you have every right to say "no" and not compare yourself to other lesbans. Because you're not "most lesbians". You're "a lesbian", in fact the only one you should be concerned about.
LOL, I love your response, Wandering Girl!! Zoe, I'm new to girl-girl relationships but sex in a relationship is a totaly unique thing. Personally, in my hetero travels, I have been known to have sex on the first or second date... I even had a relationship with a man I had casual sex with in a toilet cubicle! (Yes, I was a right slut). BUT all of those relationships were disasters so I don't know whether what's "normal" (or common, at any rate) is desirable. On the contrary, I have a friend who made her boyfriend wait 6 weeks (FYI they're both over 30) and they're now in a very happy and stable relationship. I'm sure she's keen to bed you because you're hot and she's horny, but take your time. She'll want you all the more for it!
Zoe. I agree with what all has been said. It is your body and you are in control. No one else has the right to touch u in anyway that u don't want them too. It reminds me of logic kids often use " Jimmy's parents let him do it" well your not Jimmy's parent otherwise you wouldn't be letting him do whatever it is either. Likewise, just because every other lesbian does it (probably she's overgeneralizing) does not mean you have to. Let your gut instinct be your guide. Its better to be more cautious than have regrets later. Pippi, you are not weird. 1 in 4 women have been sexually abused. And the statistics are nearly the same for men. You are not alone. Make sure you know what u are comfortable and not comfortable with and communicate with your partner. In a healthy relationship those involved will respect each others boundaries.
Thank you to everyone who's jumped in on this thread. I couldn't agree more with that you all have expressed. No one--male or female--has the right to pressure you into sex. I do want to clarify, however, that she was not pressuring me at all. I think my first post was really unclear and misleading. She knows, of course, that I'm new to the world of lesbianism. I've been very open with her, and she's been very supportive and has been opening to answering questions I have about social norms in the LGBT world. Yes, at that point, she was interested becoming more intimate, but she was not putting pressure on me. Her comment about "most lesbains" having had sex on the second or third date was in response to my asking her if it was common for lesbains to have sex early in a relationship. It was not a way to convince me to become physically intimate before I was ready. And the reason I asked the question in the first place is that from what I've read and heard, women in lesbian relationships tend to form strong bonds very early in a relationship (What's a lesbian bring on a second date?), and I wanted to know if that translated into early sex. But of course, as you've all pointed out, there is no "early"--every couple and person has their own "schedule" and their own reasons for waiting to jumping right in. Thanks for your words of support. You all are the best. -Zoe
im the weirdo in the gay world i personally wouldnt feel comfortable sleeping together so soon, but its up to the two people involved. yeah in my friendship group/the people i know 99% of people would of slept together by now, but im the odd one out lesbians do tend to move so quick in relationships, thats not my style though. everyone is different though. but in answer to your question, yeah its is somewhat common. but its okay, to go slow/keep on doing what you are both doing
Hmmmm that's a good question. I'm not really sure if that's common. Although, when you think about it, a lot of people these days have sex very early on. I say early loosely, as it's really between two consensual adults and not my place to judge. My personal style isn't rushing like flyinhernikes. If I ever date a woman, I'm sure I will take it very slow. This is because it takes me a long time to open myself fully to others, and I'm a verrrry committed person. I need to know we're best friends before I take that step, and even then I need like 1-2 years with someone before I even consider sex as I was abused like another poster and require patience. I realize I'm an odd woman out though. I'm more traditional. I'd love to meet someone's parents/family and do the whole nine yards before all that stuff. I'm a gentleman LoL
